2020 has lasted five years but October only lasted a week.
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My twins’ pre school taught them both how to sing Baby Shark in French so I’m just checking do I sue for double the amount or…
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count socks with sandals.
As we head into 2025, remember that 1980 is 20 years ago. We all agreed on this.
The date was going so well until he called me gorgeous and I blew a bubble out of my nose on accident.
me: *donates two bucks to guy outside gas station*
guy: *takes off mask to reveal he’s actually wikipedia* i got you i finally got you
Keep your friends close and your flamethrower closer.
I like to help my wife cook by standing in front of whichever cabinet door she needs to get into at any given time.
No I don’t want to ride in a basket beneath your giant flying fire tent.
thats my bad
Celebrating christmas in another country, santa leaves a chicken cutlet in my boot. “Is that good?” No one will make eye contact with me.
WAITRESS: Would you like to try a quesadilla?
ME: I can barely eat one dilla, let alone a whole case.
True freaking story!
Sisyphus rolling the boulder up the hill and watching it roll back down again but it’s me muting advertisers on this app.
Fact: an Owl’s head can rotate up to 840°, before it comes off in your hand.
Indiana Jones: [screaming as his hand is crushed under a door] ARRGGHHH! WHY? WHY DID I REACH FOR MY HAT? I OWN SO MANY HATS!!
Guys, my heart is broken. Utterly broken.
I’ve been married more than 10 years. A whole decade and I guess even that’s not enough to fully know a person
I came home early today from work to surprise my wife. I opened the door and walked in on her watching “twilight” on Netflix
me: [makes a wish and blows out the candles]
guy sacrificing a goat: [massaging his temples] who invited this guy
If you’re not suppose to eat late at night, then why is there a light in the refrigerator?!
Me: I just want to swaddle you in a baby blanket and rock you to sleep.
Son: Can you just say bye to me like a normal mom?
Me: *grabs his head and rubs it like a crystal ball* the spirits say no.
My kid found a Disney movie marathon on tv and I found Captain Morgan in the freezer. Life is about balance.
Husband: How did the toaster break?
Me: I have no idea. I only dropped it once.
Leonardo DiCaprio playing me in the movie of my life, but in the scene where I’m watching Titanic, it’s me playing him.
My son only asks my opinion so he can do the opposite, apparently.
Sometimes when I travel I toss a flashlight into my bag and when I open the bag later it’s turned on. So no lightsaber for me thanks.
For cardio, I attempt to swallow vitamins, while holding a cup of piping hot coffee.
(On a date)
Her: the last guy I dated was really immature, so I ended it.
Me: haha yeah that was a good call…
*deletes ‘funny goat sounds’ app from my phone under the table*
I drove by two different First Baptist churches today.
One of them is lying.
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
This edible ain’t shit.
*5 minutes later
Is it just me or is it hungry in here?
they need shows for grownups like they have for kids that teach us lessons like how to share and how to deal with our feelings and maybe throw in some math too