Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This egg could use more egg

– guy about to invent hollandaise sauce

Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling

Of course I will guard your Easter basket from any pillaging by your sisters. Bring it here, honey.

[at the hotel california]

me: i’d like to check out

desk clerk: alright, you’re all set

me: great, bye

desk clerk: oh, but you can never leave

me: then why did you let me check out

desk clerk: *shrugs*

Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.

Mothers just don’t eat their young like they used to.

I forgot the term “kidney stones” so I called them pee pebbles.

Before you start pushing and shoving “older” folks in a crowd, remember Gen X perfected the mosh pit, and you’re gonna be in for more than you bargained for

“Fake news,” I whisper to myself, as the scale shows I gained another pound.

humans can accomplish so much, unless it’s parking at a shopping center during the holidays

The wife & I fought last night. Saying things that can’t be taken back. Like perishable goods. Baby food. DVDs with broken seals. Underwear.

‘Noah’ plot hole: THE FOOD CHAIN.

I made my son a grilled cheese with three pieces of cheese and he said that’s too much cheese.

Now my wife is mad at ME for ordering a DNA test.

I saw a guy pushing a stroller with a kayak balanced on top, like he had traded the baby for it. And clearly he hadn’t planned this. He didn’t have the car with him, so it must have been a spur of the moment baby trade. Some amazing kayak salesman was willing to make a deal.

I pet my dog and he didn’t wag his tail. Is he seeing someone else? Is the magic gone? Do we need to spice things up? I’ll dress like a cat.

The chef asked me how I liked my eggs and I accidentally said uneasy instead of over easy. Now I have some uncomfortable eggs staring at me.

Saw this yesterday lol

Smells like a challenge to me

i love misspelling a word so hard even MS Word is like “this is between you and the Lord now”

I don’t mean to alarm you but today is Friday the 26th, which is twice as bad as Friday the 13th

Grab and smash, smash and grab such is time spent in a mammogram

Her: For once I’d like a man to just sweep me off my feet.
Me: *slowly ties Karate Kid headband around forehead*

Thank god that racist basketball guy showed up or we’d still be talking about how we’re not finding that airplane.

My teenage niece and nephew refer to everything before the year 2000 as “the 1900’s” and, while technically correct, it still makes me want to slap them.

I filled my brother’s shampoo bottle with olive oil and glitter last night. Have a great day in court, counselor!

[crime scene]

ROOKIE COP: but why would a chicken kill himself?

DETECTIVE: *lowers shades* to get to the other side

*rookie cop vomits*

That if you love them set them free thing, what if they all come back at once

Whenever I get a midnight “Hey” dm from a woman on the weekend, I always reply

Maybe she’s inviting me to church or something fun like that

878 dead bodies lay there.

Liam Nesson “Are we done?”

Police: “Sure, I don’t see any reason why we should arrest you.”

I would’ve thrown a coin in the water fountain and wished for all the money in it, but I just waited ’til it was dark instead.