Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I ordered a bed from IKEA and they sent me a tree trunk and a saw.

[holding baby] haha oh whoa i thought he’d be slimey but he’s really dry

Told the assistant at the eye doctor’s I thought my eyes got worse, but they haven’t. My glasses were dirty.

I’m out here scooping up street salt and repurposing it to margaritas as God intended.

WHAT DO WE WANT?
AN END TO AUTO-CORRECT ERRORS!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
COW!!!!

Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first

Not wasting my time reading anything an author puts in parenthesis. If it’s not good enough for the main text I don’t need it

You know what’s better than therapy? Nothing. Go to therapy.

ME: On the one hand, I have this weird rash. And on the other hand

DATE: ??

ME: It’s on both hands, I should probably see a doctor

I’m not heartless. It’s just in a different purse at the bottom of the closet.

I’m going to subtly spread my brownie crums across your car because I silently resent you for changing the song.

if your brain produces saliva you have a patooey-tary gland thank you

BREAKING: The BBC declares war on Italy

{first day as a dermatologist}

DOCTOR: what brings you in today?

PATIENT: psoriasis.

DOCTOR: hey if your peepers are hurting you should prolly see an optometrist, fella.

Day 3 of quarantine: I haven’t showered for weeks

Just got myself some new
memory foam shoes.

Maybe now I’ll remember
why I walked in the room.

Local news : box full of kittens mistaken for a bomb. I have to go to this town. I may be mistaken for Megan Fox.

waitress: what can i get you to drink?
me: house margarita.
waitress: [slowly] margarita good

me: they’re having a retirement party for my coworker

my father, an immigrant: what’s a retirement party? you mean a funeral?

My kid asked me for a boomerang so I handed him the apple that has gone back and forth in his lunch for the past week

you would not believe that one of the reasons i’m most excited to move out is so i can own a bean bag in every room of my house

My biggest fear used to be accidentally saying “love you” to a customer when hanging up the phone

Now my biggest fear is that it will happen a second time

This entire pizza told me thigh gaps are for queers.

Hobo-looking dad with preschooler who won’t stop seeks similarly afflicted for caffeine, playdates.

Dog: *Asleep
Dog: *Totally sleeping fam
Dog: *Don’t worry bout me
Dog: *Down for the night
Me: *Gets comfy in bed
Dog: *I gotta pee yo

The 5th dentist couldn’t answer because she was eating a delicious chimichanga.

DOG: where do you go every day?
OWNER: to work
DOG: i don’t know what that is, but sounds sad
CAT: you leave? really?

“can you explain the gap on your resume” can you explain the gap on your staff?

5: this one time i slept in till like 7am!

Me: *holding back tears* I remember