Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The real reason why they don’t make affordable jet packs for people is because they might start sky fights.

Them: lastly what’s up with this gap in your résumé?
Me: ah that was the year we got fitted sheets and I…
Them: …yup, say no more.

I accidentally made eye contact with someone on a zoom meeting. I quickly looked away dripping in discomfort. Then I remembered it was zoom and we didn’t make eye contact at all, she looked at her camera.

[first 2 hours of meeting]

Coworker:

[last 2 minutes of meeting]

Coworker: I just have a quick 6 part question involving a complicated and controversial problem that was almost nearly resolved also this isn’t time sensitive at all but I’d still like an answer right now thanks

I’m not drunk, I was driving erratically because I had to rescue the cheese that was melting off my Egg McMuffin

[watching The Silence of the Lambs]

Me: Hear that?

Her: No

Me [trying to impress her, leaning in close]: That’s the lambs

give it to me straight doc what can i do to be healthier besides changing my entire lifestyle.

Really not a fan of the wind. Why is the air in such a hurry? You’re outside already, where else are you even trying to get to?

WIFE: Oh darn I have a loose thread on my sweater.
ME: (waiting for the right time to tell her I bought a sword) Allow me m’ lady.

*nose hairs growing out of control

*buys tiny scissors

*jam them in the eyes of whoever I catch staring at my nose hairs

Learning how to square dance in grade school helped prepare me for all the square dance battles you get into as an adult

You were all Pluto’s not even a planet and now you’re watching it from your space car all slow and creepy like. Jerk.

If the floor is lava, that couch isn’t gonna help you, kid.

You politely tap a jogger with your car one time, and suddenly you get labeled a hero.

Therapist: so next time we feel that rage, we stop, we count down from five, and then we….

Me: …sweep the leg?

waiter: *sets down plate* dont touch. it’s hot

me:

waiter:

me: lmao

waiter: lmfao ur gonna touch it huh. is something wrong with u

me: oh definitely

I’m just a Whole Foods girl on a Walmart budget.

A good rule is to check the recall list before opening a bag of romaine lettuce. Check it again after making the salad. Check once more tableside.

[Watching “Alien” with my son]

Son: You can let go of my hand, dad. I’m not scared

Me: *shaking* Just a few more minutes, please.

[portal opens]

dark lord: FINALLY! EARTH’S TREASURES ARE MINE!

gary: what if the REAL treasure is our friendsh-

dark lord: not now gary

I’ve been a YouTube creator for almost an hour, yet somehow I haven’t been monetized yet?

Oh no. My girlfriend sold her hair to buy me a pocket watch chain and I also bought myself a pocket watch chain.

Started sex work and one of my clients came to my house, she complained that it’s too hot. She asked “don’t you have AC?”

I said no… OnlyFans

Oura Ring: “Time to stretch your legs a bit?”

I’M IN BACK TO BACK ZOOM MEETINGS LEAVE ME ALONE HEALTH DEVICE!

I should start a wine company and name the bottles things like “don’t be sad” “he’s not worth it” “you deserve better”!

Make bowling your first date. If he rents small shoes and jams his fingers in the wrong holes don’t bother with a second.

I just used Quandary in casual conversation, like some sort of philosophical genius, and everyone laughed and then I ran back to my computer to make sure I used it correctly and I did, so you may call me Professor.

Tom and Jerry fooled me into thinking dogs bullied cats when it’s the opposite in reality

People think it’s embarrassing Elvis died taking a shit in the bathroom but it’s way less embarrassing than if he died taking a shit in the kitchen or something