2020: I’m so glad I stayed home. That coughing guy had COVID and made everyone sick.
2021: I hope that coughing guy doesn’t have COVID that will make me sick.
2022: I hope that coughing guy has COVID but the same variant that I had last month so he won’t make me sick.
Me: What should we grow?
4-year-old: Tomatoes!
[1 week later]
Me: Look, the tomato plants sprouted!
4: Ugh, I hate tomatoes why would you grow those?
It’s a beautiful morning. Lots of people out walking their phones.
My first job in retail taught me that the customer is always right. Until they’re out of earshot.
Probably the worst thing you can do when your wife gives you a disapproving look from across the room for being on your phone is finish typing this.
Realized I never said “unquote” after reciting a famous poem in 10th grade. Sorry if you thought everything I’ve said since is Shakespeare
HILLARY: i’m sick and tired of these baseless accusations
THE MEDIA: aha! you see?! she admits it! not only is she sick, she’s also tired!
[First day as an undercover cop]
Drug Dealer: You got the money?
Me: … *into cufflink* Line?
I got you a bath bomb to relax. It’s a toaster
A person’s true character is revealed when the shrimp tray comes out at a party.
I vacuumed up a huge spiderweb & then heard a thump in the workout room.
The spiders are lifting weights before they attack me aren’t they?
Terrifying if taken literally – if these walls could talk.
the thing where a kid draws a scary picture and shows it to his teacher, alerting her to a terrible situation happening at home, but it’s my kid drawing a pic of me eating an entire box of donuts
God: so you shoot them with the arrows
Cupid: yes
God: and then they fall in love
Cupid: right
God: with other compatible people
Cupid: uh well-
God: who will love them back
Cupid:
God:
Cupid: sure
Special shout out to the CIA, who were pouring cold water on people BEFORE the “ice bucket challenge” made it cool
Hey Alaska wilderness show person who is about to freeze to death with no hope in sight, maybe just cuddle up with the crew filming you…
Whales go days, sometimes weeks at a time without giving anyone their opinion.
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars. Like I’m really glad you can see 92 miles ahead but the rest of us are blind now.
I’m done – Now even the damn ouija board is asking me who I’m voting for in the election
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
[arguing with my wife]
WELL AT LEAST I DON’T BRING UP THINGS FROM THE PAST LIKE YOU DID LAST MONTH
isnt birdbox bandersnatch the guy who plays dr. strange
($800 for an iphone)
oh no problem here you go
(99 cents for an app)
HA I DONT THINK SO PAL MONEY DOESNT GROW ON TREES YA KNOW
how did this penguin get in my apartment??!?!
[me adjusting paintball mask] it’s too bad we aren’t on the same team
date: yeah
My favorite part about sci-fi movies is when all aliens and people from other worlds only speak English
I bought one of those bodybuilding spray tan machines so I look like mahogany furniture year round
I went fishing today/ am having chicken for dinner tonight
