2020: I’m so glad I stayed home. That coughing guy had COVID and made everyone sick.
2021: I hope that coughing guy doesn’t have COVID that will make me sick.
2022: I hope that coughing guy has COVID but the same variant that I had last month so he won’t make me sick.
“Funerals are for the living”? Dude you’re doing it wrong
Mugger: Give me your money
Me: Get ready to see some karate!
Mugger: Oh yeah?
Me: I have tournament tickets in my man bag
it’s not been my year
Daffodil totally sounds like an insult, you blooming daffodil
Fact: ants can lift 20 times their body weight, more if a bro is spotting them.
[speed dating]
Her: I’m a little bit country.
Me: I’m a little bit ready for the next person.
“Ben Carson makes stuff up” said Donald Trump, self-proclaimed zillionaire, demigod and unicorn owner.
8: *gives me a pen*
Me: *takes it*
8: thanks! I found it in the urinal!
Playdates were invented to force parents into cleaning their home.
Husband: I love you.
Me: Bullshit name 2 of my albums.
i was one of the palm trees waving around in the background of every 16 bit game in the 90’s so yes random guy you do know me from somewhere
Me: Do you want to sign up for dance in the fall?
7: Yeah!!
Me: Which classes do you like best?
7: I don’t really like any of them. I just like dance because you get free costumes at the end.
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: *blinks* I’m sorry, did you say free?
[first weekend away from the kids]
ME: lemme sleep 5 more minutes
PRISON GUARD: ma’am your husband posted bail Friday
My dog and I are not cleaning up after you, you sick cannibals
My wife is my rock.
Not only is she always there for me, but she looks just like Dwayne Johnson
How to create a weight-loss program: (1) Take a before picture. (2) Eat like a pig. (3) Take an after picture. (4) Switch the pictures.
it was the best of times (adding to cart) it was the worst of times (seeing the total plus shipping)
ME: I have very bad gas
BRITISH LADY [holding her nose]: omg what
ME: sorry I have very bad petrol
Me: *stomach rumbling*
8: Why is your tummy making those noises?
M: I’ve not sent anything it’s way for an hour, it’s checking I’m still alive
I’M COLD my 7yo screams as she sits next to the AC vent in her underwear
My 3 year old has been on the other side of the door knocking and making me “guess who” for five minutes. I’m usually pretty good at acting surprised time after time, but the glass door is really straining my theatrical skills.
Rey: I want to be your Jedi student.
Me: Did you hear what happened to all my other Jedi students?
Rey: No.
Me: Good. Let’s get started.
Not sure if I should be more concerned about the son who locked me out of my bedroom today, or the one who showed me how to pick the lock.
Clearly I have no shame but thanks for asking. You must be new here.
Hey, thanks for having me over… But, It smells like something died in here and I’m pretty sure it was the housekeeper…
okay actually I asked them about this because I legit needed keys cut, so I said excitedly “oh do you all do key cutting???” and the cashier was like 😐 “no???” and I was like “then why do you have this sign then??” and he just shrugged and looked at me like I was the crazy one!!
Why drive 6 minutes for food when I can order doordash for $93
if they go extinct, would they be goodbyenas?
[job int]
“& what are your strengths.”
Me: lions
“Lions?”
Me: I’ll take [lion walks by the office] I- [quietly] I’ll take on any lion
[Morgue]
Cop: Sir, I know it’s tough but we need you to ID the bodyMe looking at corpse: *takes deep breath* Are—are you over 21?
