2020: I’m so glad I stayed home. That coughing guy had COVID and made everyone sick.
2021: I hope that coughing guy doesn’t have COVID that will make me sick.
2022: I hope that coughing guy has COVID but the same variant that I had last month so he won’t make me sick.
What if the 5th dentist was from the future and knew about the long-term tooth damage caused by Trident?
‘If you call me from a Private number… I’ll respect your Privacy and won’t answer.’ 💥
10:00: gets in hammock
10:00 to 10:20: relaxes in hammock
10:21 to 11:57: gets out of hammock
receiving reports today that there are “some men” who sit to pee. these men are not real men. real men lie down.
“Why is this food more expensive than it was this morning”
“Sir this is a Wendy’s”
“I’ll just iron my clothes for work in the morning,” he thought in stupid bachelor.
Aquaman is part fish, if you want to kill him just overfeed him.
Daniel slept in a lions den
Peter slept in a prison
Jesus slept in a stormNo matter the circumstance, you can always take a nap.
If I ever get burned at the stake, I’m filling my pockets with popcorn kernels to make a nice snack for the audience.
Her: You must think our relationship is some sort of game.
Me: Nope. Games are fun.
Never run with scissors. Unless…
• You stole them
• You’re running a 400 meter scissor relay
• You’re being chased by giant paper dolls
*hires sky writer to propose to psychic girlfriend*
WILL YOU MARRY ME
*2nd planes flies by 5 seconds later*
HELL NO
My boss said I have a lot of emotional intelligence which I think is his way of saying, “we’re worried about your actual intelligence”
Son: Can I have pizza for breakfast?
Wife: No.
Son: Why not?
Wife: You want to jump in here?
Me: Let’s see where he’s going with this.
Disney uses 1-ply toilet paper, so let’s stop with all the “happiest place on earth” lies
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered.
I relate more to “Rice, rice, baby” – because Asian
DATING TIP: PULL THE CHAIR OUT FOR HER. PICK THE CHAIR UP & FOLD IT. HIT HER OVER THE HEAD WITH THE CHAIR. GET THE 3 COUNT. NEW WWE CHAMPION
We’re all searching for that magical connection & mine came in the form of a chicken wing.
when will chicken evolve to the point where they hatch already coated in 11 secret yet oh so delicious herbs and spices?
6 yo student: It’s hot. Why didn’t you wear shorts today?
Me: Teachers can’t wear shorts to work.
6: Is it because you’d show all your mosquito bites?
The only life secret I’m not telling my children when they move out is the address to my new home
ME: I want the car’s brake lines to rust
SCIENTIST: I’m listening
ME: [slides over envelope full of cash] But make it look like an oxidant
Him: Productive conference call?
Me: Hell yeah. I painted my toes, posted 6 pictures on IG, and got in one solid nap.
Captcha: Click on every photo of a real tunnel
Wile E Coyote: oh no
I tried a onesome before, but I started catching feelings.
*getting attacked by a bear in France*
ME: Gnaw me like one of your French girls.
Doctor: How did you get this black eye?
Me: Walked into a door
Doc: Really?
Me: I was using my phone lying down and dropped it on my face
– Fred, Velma, Shaggy… Can you name one of the ‘Big 5’ African animals?
– Rhino
– We know you do, Scooby, but it’s not your team’s turn
Some church folks decided to knock on my door today while hosting my book club for a bunch of margarita drinking witches. Oops, wrong house 😆
