2020 is like going to a wedding and finding a cash bar kind of year.
You Might Also Like
[buying food when i’m full]: I need but half a carrot and a thimble of cottage cheese in my pantry
[buying food when hungry]: give me 8 jars of lard. bring me a cow
My toddler puts his pants on just like everyone else.
One arm at a time.
The fact that they call it the Food Pyramid and not Food Triangle implies it has at least two other sides. So maybe this much taffy is OK
Why did they call it painting your toenails and not graffeeti
Honey, why do these IKEA sofa instructions show a hammer, two allen keys and a divorce lawyer’s office?
date: so you work from home
long armed steve: technically yes
Torturer: I’ll cut your fingers off
Me: I’ll NEVER tell you the passcode!
Torturer: I’ll burn your skin
Me: Never talking!
Torturer: I’ll read the poems you wrote in high school
Me: It’s 2547
Sold my parents’ house today. It was really bittersweet and brought back so many memories. My parents are gonna be pissed when they get back from vacation though.
Cargo pants? Uhhhh no buddy, car go beep beep. You feeling alright man?
I’d hire this kid in 10 years.
“Yeah, well your dog isn’t a rescue, your snacks are processed and everyone knows you’re vaccinated” – how a kid talks shit in 2015
Is your meth contaminated with coronavirus? This Florida police dept. will test it for free
*Han thaws and smashes to the ground in a massive heap, after being frozen in carbonite*
Han Solo: Who are you?
Princess Leia: Someone who loves you… but let’s you thaw and smash to the ground in a massive heap after being held frozen in carbonite.
Can’t believe this needs to be said but giving two shots of vitamin B6 doesn’t mean you gave a shot of B12.
If this doughnut and ice cream are going to take years off my life, could I have them remove 2001-2003?
The worst part about insomnia is having to eat spiders while conscious
Them: I saw someone who looks just like you!
Someone:
Batman could have used his wealth to help Gotham’s poor and disenfranchised. But no, we really needed another violent leather fetishist.
me *sneezes*
cw: Bless you
me *sneezes*
cw: Allergies?
[flashback to me snorting pepper because my kid dared me to]
me: Yeah, I guess so
me: it’s an egg dying party!
8yo: why are we celebrating dead eggs?
i used to side with chief brody but now i’m team mayor because the shark’s only gonna eat 1-2 more people & he’ll be stuffed. we’ll sell soo many shark toys
I don’t usually accept blood pressure medication as payment but these old dudes are desperate and I’m sober.
Shrink: How many true friends do you believe you have?
Me: Define “true friend.”
Shrink: Someone you feel you can tell anything.
Me: 11,419.
2016: Everyone you love in entertainment will die!
2017: Everyone you love in entertainment is a sexual degenerate.
2018: The dog from Air Bud is the Zodiac Killer.
be myself? the person who got me into this mess????
Found a great app on my phone that I’d forgotten about that shows what you’ll look like as an old person.
It’s called “Camera”.
If I’m so smart, explain to me why I can start the washing machine then five minutes later wonder where that running water sound is coming from.
Friend: What do your kids like to eat?
Me: Anything that is on my plate, even though it’s also on theirs.
The Count of Monte Cristo is my favourite book about French Sesame Street.
“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life”
Ok Brenda but watching Netflix and eating Nutella straight out the jar isn’t gonna pay my bills is it?