Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

DATE: I’m really into *bites lip & lowers voice* S&M

ME: Well, I *trails finger sexily across the table* like all of the letters

Now that I’ve raised teenagers it’s hard to look at babies the same way. They’re cute in the sense that a baby lion is cute, because I know what’s coming.

Me: [watching news]
Child: Why do you watch the news?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child: I asked-
Me: I’M THINKING

i thought i was gonna watch the craziest cooking show in history

The world is my oyster. Too expensive to enjoy every day.

angel: whatcha making?

god: *sharpening a fly* bee

[leaving a party]
HOST (holding 2 identical coats): which is urs
ME: does 1 have a corn dog in its pocket
H: ya
M (suspiciously): mine had 2

[reptile house]

Zookeeper: Would you like to pet the snake?

Wife: Sure!

Me: Oh, so it’s okay when HE asks?!?

I get a bunch of targeted ads asking me to donate my sperm. and I’m down as long as they don’t use it for making babies.

Been escorted out of the building of Global IT for unplugging something so I could plug in my George Foreman grill

Our scariest president was probably Rushmore, because he had four heads

For security reasons, I highly recommend that you leave one of your children home during the holidays to set elaborate booby traps in case of intruders.

For the record, saying somebody of the same sex is handsome or pretty or attractive does not make you seem gay at all, but prefacing that statement with “I’m not gay but…” kinda does

I hope this email finds you. And when it finds you it will make you pay.

Bruce Willis in a lot of action roles he’s played:

Bruce Killis

I was filling out our census, and under “Any additional comments?” I wrote “Reese’s eggs should be available year round.”

adam and eve had first world problems

Priest: Do you take this woman to be your wife?
Me: “I do”
Priest: Ok can you say it again without using finger quotes while you do it

“Thanks, you’ve been a wonderful host!”

– Viruses

“Mom how do you say ‘thank you’ in Asian?”
-my friend’s kid, so loudly, at a sushi restaurant in Frankfurt

ME: it’s a dream come true i never thought my team would sweep the world series

OTHER STADIUM JANITOR: sooner you pick up the broom the sooner we go home

Judging by all the cracking and popping noises my body makes when I work out, I’d say I’m about 74% Rice Krispies.

god: did you give the dinosaurs more muscle like I asked

angel: wait what

god: I told you to make them meatier

angel: oh MEATier

Husband: *trying to thread a needle with far too thick string

Me: That’s not gonna fit, it’s way too big.

H: You’ve said that before, but I have a 7 year old who proves otherwise.

Me: *giggles

7: You guys are being weird again.

I sign off with “kind regards” but secretly all my regarding is malicious

When my husband and I first moved in together we lived in a shady part of town. My dad told us we would be probably get robbed. The worst thing that happened was our neighbors having sex directly across from our balcony with the window and curtains open.

i dont care if people dislike me, but if a pet ignores me, i will hit them up nonstop & keep changing my look drastically until they love me

I love when a company announces it “parted ways” with an executive, like they wistfully waved goodbye to each other at a foggy train station, instead of the guy being marched out the door by security with a box in his hands.

Hell hath no fury like that of a woman waiting for you to reply to her text all the while she sees you’re continuing to send tweets.

[first day as a bartender]

*garnishes all vodka drinks with a raw potato slice*