2020 is like going to a wedding and finding a cash bar kind of year.
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Toddler: *babbling nonsense*
Me: Ok, got it!
Narrator: But she did not “got it” And this would make the toddler very angry.
It’s not often I get to relive my youth, but today one of the guys at the gym said he drank so much protein shake he felt sick so I said he got wheysted and then he stuffed me into a locker.
If you put holy water in a humidifier it turns the room into a gas chamber for vampires.
My kids don’t enjoy cleaning so much as they enjoy spraying cleaning supplies everywhere
*Making friends at the playground*
My 6yo: How old are you?
Other kid: I’m 13. What about you?
6yo: Oh I’m almost 13 – I’m 6.
My 4yo: *casually* I’m 15.
Jesus died for our sins.
But then he came back to life.
Pretty sure that breaks the deal.
every time a random fucking website asks if it can send me notifications i imagine a guy i’ve never seen before in my life running out of a building i just walked by and chasing me down the street demanding to know my full name and email address
My coworker just proudly announced that he doesn’t believe in Santa Claus because he an athiest. Uh, sure bro, but also how about because you’re 34?
To the people who tell expectant parents to “stock up on sleep while you can,” please know that’s not how sleep works.
Him: Why are you watching WWE all of a sudden?
Me: I’m trying to learn new holds for when I have to floss the kids’ teeth
My daughter has a middle school government test today. So I figured the best way to help her study was to weave the material into our convo when she complained this am
Beer before liquor never been sicker. Taco Bell before wine no 69
him: I think we should see other people
me: is that on hulu or netflix
Hey man do you like my costume? You only need photographic memories of every movie scene you’ve ever watched to get it.
It’s never going to work out between Mario and the Princess. Most of the time she’s on a whole other level.
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
My wife makes us recycle everything.
*empties condom into sink*
Her: is the game almost over?
Me: this is just the first half
Her: uggghh how many more halves are there?
Me: you’re pretty
Let’s Go
That lamp looks PISSED.
When you get angry at someone count out loud to ten.
When you get to eight, throw a punch. Nobody expects that shit.
I would like to see “artificial intelligence” assemble this tuna melt.
[at punchbowl]
Me: You go ahead.
Lady: No, I insist.
Me: Together, then?
*we both pour vodka from our purses in*
No, please, let me give up my subway seat to your 6-year-old child who must be bone-tired from a life consisting mostly of playing & napping
I’m going to donate these clothes I don’t wear anymore to charity after I drive them around in the trunk of my car for eight months.
I don’t do weights but my 4yo refuses to walk sometimes so yeah I lift
how do we even know zombies only eat brains? it’s not like anyone has ever tried to offer them a hotdog or something
If you start making a voodoo doll at Michael’s, you get to meet the manager.
Javascript is when your doctor writes you a prescription for more coffee. Everyone knows that.