2020 is like your cat offering to “help” with your jigsaw puzzle.
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Make sure to make eye contact with the hottest person in the room as you stuff a burrito into your mouth
I forgot to wear my glasses when I drove today. I didn’t even notice I wasn’t wearing them until the kid on my windshield said something
Never trust someone who acts as if nothing happened when you meet them right after you had an amazing dream about them.
Other than that, Mrs. Gloop, how was the chocolate factory?
Dating tip:
Walk up to a girl in a club, smile, look into her eyes, take her hand and walk away. If she wants her hand back, she’ll find you
I like in RPGs when you kill a wild animal and it has, like, $5 and a spoon on it for some reason
Spider bucket list:
1. Eat flies
2. Don’t get squashed by a crazy screaming lady when all I’m doing is eating flies
3. Meet Peter Parker
7 years ago today I swallowed gum….. and now we wait
“amateurs”
~ Mick Jagger browsing duck lip selfies
Back in the day my parents wanted me to marry only one of my own.
Now they’re like “That orangutan looks nice. That elephant looks smart.”
Someone stole the C and L off my work besties door, which I guess was probably pretty predictable in hindsight…
God: you’re man’s best friend
Dog: OMG! Love it!
God: yup
Dog: dynamic duo, partners in crime!
God: well..
Dog: two of a kind, 50/50! we make decisions together!
God: you live in a kennel in the yard
Dog: what
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
[walking down street with date after dinner]
him: i had a great time
me: yep… [gestures towards garbage truck] welp, this is me [jumps in]
I think when you get your photo taken for your driver’s license they should squirt you in the face with a water gun. Then your picture will have that annoyed and upset look to match when the cop pulls you over
Some people can’t sleep because they have insomnia. I can’t sleep because I have internet connection.
As a kid: I can’t wait to stay up late and no one can tell me when to go to bed
Me at 41: ope my fitness device just said it’s bedtime. I better go.
Whoever named the period of time before a funeral a “Wake” should never be allowed to name anything ever again.
Who the hell named it a ” Crop-Top ” and not a ” T-short “?
LinkedIn just texted me that people are looking at my profile. That feels ominous.
Jobs I’d be shit at:
-brain surgeon
-rocket scientist
-ventriloquist
-goat herder
-sober person thingy
*in the basement organizing LEGO by color and size*
My child: Can I help?
Me: *straight up hissing noises*
Clerk: we’re not that kind of mom and pop shop
Batman: *eyes welling*
The eighties were great except for all the spinning right ‘round like a record.
*wife offers me a sip of her water*
m: Am I gonna catch what you have?
w: No
m:
w:
m: Are you sur-
w: You’re not going to get my period!
Me: ‘I just want to do something spontaneous.’
Combustion: ‘We’ll see.’
Hey, people who act like they’re about to fight but are really friends, you are FREAKING the rest of us out.
*fire alarm goes off at typewriter factory, causing all employees to jump up at the same time and wedge together in the doorway*
“stop letting someone live in your head rent free”
other people: okay, you’re right. i will stop letting them live in my head.
me: I MUST FIND A WAY TO MAKE THEM PAY THE RENT
8YO: If daddy grows his beard, he’ll look like a wizard
6YO: No, he’ll definitely look like a panda