2020 is like your cat offering to “help” with your jigsaw puzzle.
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guys: women are a mystery.
women: Here is what we-
guys: LITERALLY WHAT DO THEY WANT?
women: well for start-
guys: Guess we’ll never know!
Forever 21 has gone bankrupt.
One more Forever that didn’t last.
Anyone who has biological children can call themselves a body builder
“Deb, every year I tell you I don’t want to do a holiday card, you tell me it will be fine, and then Junior does something obnoxious in the photo that you claim is ‘cute.’ And look, we’re right on schedule.”
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son: dad sing me a song
me: alright *clears throat* SHAWTY HAD THEM APPLE BOTTOM JEANS
wife from the other room: JEANS
me: BOOTS WITH THE FUR
wife: *shows up, grabs both door handles and drops it low* WITH THE FUR
me: THE WHOLE CLUB WAS LOOKING AT HER
I never scrape my back window so when I back out of parking spots I let Jesus decide if I’m gonna kill anyone
If you know someone who effortlessly falls asleep every night, that is a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
I have my binoculars ready for the upcoming solar eclipse. This is going to be amazing.
wife: Why is there a broom in the driveway?
me: So your mom doesn’t have to borrow the car
I hope Hell freezes over soon. A few women have promised me dates when it happens.
Divorces should just be reverse weddings where you get pushed out of a church while your friends steal appliances from your home.
We should remove the warning labels from everything and let the stupidity problem take care of itself.
We need to put an end to all these motion activated Halloween props displayed in the stores. I prefer to do all my leaping and high pitched fear shrieking at home.
Whatd I do for Halloween, I hear you ask?
Cleaned off the porch & fed the birds.But like, scarily. Or whatever.
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
You know IT have given up when the error message reads ‘Something went wrong’.
McDonald’s has spoiled all of us with their super-charged carbonated soda. I don’t want just any Sprite. I want the Sprite that will make me see God.
Waiter: Would you like regular or decaf?
Me: Do you want me to tip you with real money or Monopoly money?
She was rare. Like a rap collab in a pop song that made sense.
Green Shell Koopa Dad: If your friends jumped off a bridge, would you?
Red Shell Koopa Son: No
Dad: This is the problem with your generation
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
Yeah….so is a grenade
Job Posting: local pond looking to hire tadpole, must have previous experience as frog
Told my husband I was going hiking with our 10yo and he replied “If you don’t survive, who gets all your books?” when he knows very well the correct response was “Who are you and what have you done with my wife?”
this is my brain when people are trying to explain card game rules to me:
I bet you’re all super stoked about election year coming up
The difference between looking at a kaleidoscopic as a kid vs as an adult.
The migraine that follows.
imagine being a young up-and-coming actor starring opposite a film legend. how do u keep a straight face while doing some weird lines? like you’re in a movie about england and u have to look meryl streep in the eye and say “bollocks, i’m more chuffed than a bloody crumpet innit”
The next time my husband asks me where something in the house is, I’m turning it into a scavenger hunt.
The thing they don’t explain in 27 Dresses is how Kathryn Heigl affords to be a bridesmaid in 27 weddings on a personal assistant’s salary. Did that company have unlimited PTO??