2020 is like your cat offering to “help” with your jigsaw puzzle.
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Just bit into a Pop Tart so hot that it caused me to involuntarily perform the falsetto “ah-ha-ha-ha-” intro to Stayin’ Alive
I know this is only our second date, but can I use your bathroom real quick?
Her: Of course…
*walks out 26 minutes later*
Thanks.
I had a dream I killed someone, and all I did was panic about being caught…and cry.
Now I know I’d be a terrible murderer.
dm room: tell your dad we say happy birthday!
Me: dad, my internet friends say happy birthday
Dad: internet people aren’t real friends
Me: *to dm room* he says thanks
Ahhh December 1st. Time to start using Santa as a threat.
My friend got a tattoo of his wife’s name so I guess he loves her as much as he loves barbed wire.
“Subpar accommodations. One star.” – Oldest known TripAdvisor rating for Bethlehem.
Jokes on you TSA my body is 70% water and I just snuck it onto the plane
Wife : A jogger was murdered in the park last night.
Me : Well that’s all the motivation I need. *Goes for a jog in the park*
Venus Williams should marry Bruno Mars and become Venus Mars.
A company has a patent to build a 20km high space elevator. Astronauts are now being trained how to avoid eye contact for the 17 hour ride.
Hey to all the girls with more than one person in their picture you’re making this VERY DIFFICULT.
When I go into a gas station I always make sure I look cute and whistful because it’ll be the last footage people see of me if I get abducted and go missing. They’ll be crying, “her hair was on point 😭😭😭” “of course she got a Dr Pepper 😭 classic Summer”
Right now somebody’s therapist is hearing about YOU
Whenever I see an unsecured WiFi, I just assume it’s owned by a chimpanzee sitting in a room and hitting a keyboard with a hammer.
when I say “I want a boyfriend” I mean that I want to magically wake up one day in a peaceful and balanced 5 year relationship, not that I want to date or meet people or put in the effort towards making it a tangible reality
It was the third time that summer they’d dug up her garden, and Barbara decided it was time to send the bunnies a message.
Not doing anything with my life is surprisingly time consuming
My mum is at end of life with Alzheimer’s, 99% non-verbal, but Coldplay just came on the radio and she looked me in the eye and said “turn it off”.
Date a photographer. Then when it doesn’t work out you have new pics for your dating apps.
I know it’s so bad but all the other restaurant names were taken. Anyways welcome to Feastiality can I get you guys started on some drinks
a guy told me his name was Drazen earlier and he did not appreciate me asking if that was short for dried raisin
The year is almost over, and I haven’t stabbed anyone. My New Year’s resolution is to do better.
We’ve all heard the peanut butter debate, but what about mayo? Smooth or Crunchy?
here’s my dating advice. Take your date to go-karts. everyone loves go-karts. I just solved your life. you’re welcome
WATSON: Here’s the weird thing. There’s only one set of footprints.
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe and squints]: That means God was carrying the suspect.
Based on how much my baby is attracted to bright lights and shiny things you’d think I birthed a moth.
as a kid, I used to think $1,000 was a lot of money. But now that I’m an adult, I think it’s a tremendous amount of money
Helena Bonham Carter eats eight spiders a day. Not in her sleep, just whenever.