2020 is like your cat offering to “help” with your jigsaw puzzle.
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The worst thing about dating is bringing a nice guy home after dinner, only to find your husband home early from work.
My co worker managed to get the first two lines of a Christmas carol in before I pushed her out the window
My kids wanted to know what it’s like to be a Mom so I woke them up at 2am to let them know my sock came off.
Why do paintings of Adam and Eve show them with belly buttons?
3yo: Wipe me!
Me: What did you do?
3: Only pee and poop.
Me: [wondering in terror what the other options are]
[showing colleague a pic on phone]
“NO! Don’t scroll left!”
My face falls as he sees my erotic photo collection of donuts on plates.
Growing old is a process of saying “it’s probably nothing,” with increasing frequency and increasingly being wrong.
“President Clinton, can you respond to rumors of renewed infidelity?”
The only woman in my life is my darling *squints at notecard* Hitlery
Good morning to everyone except my baby, who already said good morning to me at 1 a.m., 3 a.m., and 5:46 a.m.
The deadliest weapon is the mind. Unless you got a sword or something. Or a gun. If you have a gun, that’s definitely the best choice.
Can. I. Help. You.
My kids told me to stop using teen lingo because I’m “SO old”, so I’m going to show them just how old I am and start talking Valley Girl.
[God creating me]
And then we sprinkle in just a touch of anxiety
[the lid pops off and the whole jar spills in]
[God shrugs] He’ll be fine
The Theory of Relativity: Time moves more slowly when you are with your relatives.
Granola Bars, for when you’re hungry & also want to teach your mouth a lesson
lost dog
I’ve reached that age where I don’t have to drink to forget because it just happens naturally now.
wife *sees chair* [thinking] That would look great with the new rug in the living room
me *sees chair* [thinking] Chair
*mom puts teen’s clean clothes at bottom of the stairs*
Mom meaning: Take up stairs, put away
Teen meaning: Obstacle course on the stairs!
[first day as diving instructor]
Guy [from the back]: what’s the signal for a shark
Me: sharks don’t really give signals they just show up
Me: nice car
Friend: yeah 400 horsepower
Me: that’s like 7000 ducks
Friend: what
Me: what
“I hate fancy restaurants. I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
If I had to choose one word that encapsulates me, I’d say skin.
What’s an appropriate gift for a gender reveal party? A personalized fire extinguisher?
technically you’re not on fire, the fire is on you. but yes i’ll get some water
[HS reunion]
FRIEND: Heard from Billy Adent? He vanished after grade school. Do you know if he moved?
ME: [flashback to not unfreezing him during freeze tag because he said I smelled like milk] HE BETTER NOT HAVE!
I want what every guy wants: To be involved in a rooftop chase.
*gets mustard on my shirt trying to get mustard off my shirt*
[job interview]
“Tell me a weakness.”
I never finish what I start.
“Care to elaborate?”
*grabbing my stuff* Nah, I gotta get going.
The world is full of people who just need to hug a cactus.