2020 is not Jumanji, it’s X-files.
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“yeah that IS strange they only filled the fries and shakes halfway” I say about the food I brought home for my kids.
DOCTOR: You’ve gained a lot of weight
ME: I’m getting older and my metabolism is slowing down
DOCTOR: [slapping chicken wings out of my mouth] I mean since you got here
[Playing piano to impress a Russian girl]
“Do you like it?”
Her: That’s sheet music
“Yes, it is.”
Her: Now excuse me, I huv to take a sheet.
💀💀💀💀
CarefulWhere’s your shoesPlease stop cryingMaybe eat somethingYou dropped the bottle- things you say to babies & drunks.
Buying a smart car seems like a good idea until you hit a squirrel and flip over a few times.
Don’t get how mosquitoes can be so buzzy and annoying but also bite me 10,000 times without me noticing
YOU ASKED IF YOU COULD PET HER, NOT IF SHE BITES, MEGAN.
The Heimlich maneuver doesn’t work when you choke on your own words…..I know this now
adulthood means having ice cream for dinner and regret for dessert
Avoid the horror of watching your children’s nativity this year by using a condom approximately six years before you have to attend.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He was allergic to bees. His shoes smelled like old bananas.
Chores are important for teaching kids the value of working just hard enough to mollify people with actual power
*sees “The customer is always right” sign*
*the waiter sees me looking at it and mouths “not you”*
We’re all 60% water, so get off your high horse “aqua” man
9yo: Who took my hair tie?
Me: I didn’t.
9yo: I did not ask who didn’t.
Our ‘thoughts and prayers’ go out to all the vegans and innocent cabbages everywhere.
[at the zoo]
Llama spits in my face
I spit in llamas face
Llama slaps me
I grab llamas hair
Scuffle ensues
Llamas gf shouts “leave it Gary!”
Me: “Don’t piss me off, I can rip a phone book in half.”
10yo: “A phone what?”
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
my kid: hold my cheerios
my kid: *drops cheerios*
i was just roughed up by a hipster bully. he gave me a knuckle sandwich, but also offered a gluten free alternative
Trains are just sideway elevators.
Me: “daft punk broke up”
My gf: “i didnt know they were dating”
I love when men go on diets they will be like let me go for the healthy option.. the buffalo chicken quesadilla
Friggin’ narcs ruin everything
I ordered the chick on page 3 in the Victoria’s Secret catalog…
But all they sent me was her underwear.
[at the playground]
“Welcome to Swingers Club. Sorry if you thought this was about spouse-swapping. Now who wants to give me a push?”
I try to live my life everyday as if it were my last. And who wants to do laundry on their last day? Not me…
This LSD may be taking a turn, but I think this pony rabbit is a piece of shit insurance salesman.
*alien probing me
Me: Ok a little to the left
Alien: I SAID STOP THAT