2020 is not Jumanji, it’s X-files.
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Leo: *names his child Oscar*
Doctor: “Would you like to hol-”
Leo: “Say it like we rehearsed it.”
Doctor: *sighs* “And the Oscar goes to…”
My favorite part about wearing a romper is getting completely naked in public restrooms.
One advantage of looking creepy is people tend to avoid conversations with you.
#wecanlandonacometbutwecant let a comet land on us. – Yakov Smirnoff
confuse your coworkers today by telling them you’re going to the restroom to do a “number 3”
Interviewer: Can you explain this 5-year gap on your resume?
Me: That’s when I didn’t have a job. Do you not know how resumes work?
My friend told me he weighs himself before and after going to the toilet to see how much his shit weighs and honestly that’s so much better than my method
I just pulled a muscle tearing up my gym membership card.
You don’t need flavored coffee. It already has a flavor. Coffee.
What kind of country do we live in when an artist like Sia won’t take advantage of the freedom to change her last name to Lateralligator?
You know how some women ‘walk into’ their perfume? I’ve just done that but with a lamp post
All I’m saying is waking up at night because you have to pee in a dream is better than actually peeing in the dream…
My dating profile just says, “High risk, high reward”.
“By the way, actions don’t speak!” — Words.
[portrait studio]
ARTIST: I charge $50 per limb, because limbs are difficult to draw
ME: How much to draw me from the side?
ARTIST: That’ll cost you an arm and a leg
“Welcome to the jungle”
Thanks.
“We’ve got fun and games”
Cool.
“You’re in the jungle”
We’ve established this
“You’re gonna die!”
Wait what?
I’m 32 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 26 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
“Call me crazy bu..”
You’re a freakin idiot!.. I mean, you’re crazy.
*hears someone breaking in*
*grabs gun and walks down hallway*
*cord drags*
*realizes I grabbed Nintendo gun from Duck Hunt*
*gets shot*
My dating checklist is down to “not the Unabomber”
Are all the non essential oils out of work now?
Sure sex is great, but have you said that perfect comeback at the exact best time instead of thinking about it two weeks later in the shower?
Clubbing in my 20s:
Spills beer *everywhere*
Clubbing in my 40s:
Everywhere is so sticky!?
Hate being a funeral director
“why’d u take the job?”
I inherited it from my dad
“You could’ve just declined it”
And lose my first customer?
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first.
My dad was very upset when our bunnies escaped. It’s his worst fear – hare loss
You look like you would fail a DNA test
3yo: I have counted my shoes. One, two.
Me: That’s right. For your two feet.
3yo: 😠 I want to have three feet.
Me: Buddy. Nobody has three feet.
3yo: YES THEY DO
Me: Where have you ever seen someone with three feet?
3yo, who has never been out of the country: IN 😤 ENGLAND 😤
Caught my kid wiping their boogers on the couch which is gross because I don’t want our boogers mixing.
Current anxiety level: kindergartner who can’t unbutton his pants