2020 is not Jumanji, it’s X-files.
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can’t get enough of this specific type of Olympic event. happy to hear arguments for others
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
Don’t we all.
Probably the best newspaper correction ever
#BritishSausageWeek
Next door’s newborn has a really distinctive cry it goes “VVVVRRRROOOOOOOOMMMMMMM!”
It’s not a breastfed baby – it’s a formula one.
Westboro Baptist Church Founder Fred Phelps Dies At 84.Who wants to protest a funeral?
English is a strange language. Extraordinary should mean something that is exceptionally ordinary. Noisome should be a thing that is noisy. And of course a humanitarian should eat humans.
You ever released wind at the bank and accidentally deposited loose change?
I could have been the favourite Mistress of the Sun King at Versailles but nooooooooo I had to be born into late stage capitalism
Everyone buries their problems in different ways.
I bury them alive because killing people is wrong.
HR says that we are no longer able to say to anyone “if ignorance is bliss you must be such a happy person” even if we smile as we say it.
Cheese makes everything better…
*sprinkles parmesan on broken leg*
Brain: I’m manifesting abundance.
Body: here’s another chin
the gender neutral urge to point out a cow while on a road trip
Fun fact of the day: Hugh Hefner took so much viagra in his lifetime that his coffin lid still hasn’t closed all the way.
When I use my grandmother’s cast iron skillet I feel close to her. Even though she’s way, way up there repairing the space station
ME: i don’t trust salesmen
SALESMAN: OH MY GOD LOOK OUT FOR THAT CAR
ME: oh shit where
SALESMAN: right over here isn’t she a beaut
I’m opening a restaurant called “It doesn’t matter, whatever you want” since every girl alive wants guys to take them there.
I had to walk behind my teenager during his zoom class in order to go to the bathroom and now his peers know that he has parents. THAT HE LIVES WITH. He’s obviously very upset. Please send him your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
[inventing the pelican]
god: ok so we ran out of beaks but i found this traffic cone
Oracle: Beware the Ides of March
Caesar: I’m in danger?
O: Yah, but I meant in, like, 2k years the US will depend on the wisdom of ppl in FL
Bread pudding is not a dessert. it is just wet bread. do not fall for this scam. Resist.
When a stranger changes in front of you, they’re either interested or you’re friend zoned.
It’s hard to tell from this tree.
brace yourselves, the orthodontist just died
I bought and named a star after you.
If you look to the west on a clear night you will see Sociopath.
Wife: “How did your first day as a lifeguard go?”
Me: “Amazingly well, thanks. Everyone was so friendly and waving at me.”
I think my life would have turned out differently had I forwarded those chain letters in the 80’s.
I am a landlord and my 1 tenant is the spider who lives in my car side view mirror. The rent is free but sometimes there is a great storm in which survival is not guaranteed. For that I’m sorry. I have to wash my car bro
*releases helium-filled heart balloon*
Me: You’re free now
Balloon: Ima choke a bird
You know a guy is a creep if he shelves American Psycho with “how-to books.”