Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Once upon a time, a woman kissed a frog and found a prince.

*I whisper to myself, filling out another application at the cat shelter*

Legal notepads imply that illegal notepads exist

getting the worlds most powerful noise cancelling headphones so i can go to concerts and listen to the studio version of whichever song theyre playing currently

Wife: Your resolution this year should be to listen to me better.

Me: Bacon would be great, thanks.

Age is just a number, like 100 hours of Community Service.

My Chihuahua every time someone knocks on the door

Thanks autocorrect…clearly “I am fantasy” is a better answer than “fantastic” when asked how I’m doing…

SOCIALIZING IS EASY FOR ME BECAUSE I AM NEVER TEMPTED TO FEAST ON MY HUMAN FRIENDS

Never let them know your next move 😂

ME: I love u

GF: omg

ME: and I wanna be with u always

GF: *crying*

ME: [gets down on 1 knee] will u–

GF: U ARE DISRESPECTING THE FLAG

Having a tea party is fun until your daughter tells you that she got the water from the toilet

I walk into the bathroom only to be greeted by my dad’s masterpiece

[me, a people pleaser]: “no doctor that’s okay, whatever type of blood you have is fine”

Sorry, can’t. My husband is having a snoring contest with the dog and apparently I’m the judge.

ㅤ

Brain: Don’t make this weird
Heart: Puts an excessive amount of ketchup on my tacos

life is over at 7. no more endless playtime, no more baby food, forced to go to school, and you cant even throw tantrums anymore. at that point you should just give up

Trapped in a crevice. “Go on boy, get help.” The dog chews off my one free arm. “Ok yeah bring that back to town I guess”

whenever I feel bad for not wanting to get out of bed I remember it took animals like 150 million years to leave the ocean for the first time and I can relax again, like what’s the rush

My kids think they’re way cooler than me like WHATEVER nerds by your age I’d already had my license, sex, and a visit by the FBI.

Today on “Dora the Explorer”, Dora and Boots learn there are some places they can’t explore when Map leads them to an armed border patrol.

has it occurred to anyone that the reason dinosaurs are extinct is because purple is way to flashy in the wild?

I want a president who promises no jobs. I don’t want to have a job

My 4yo: Let’s play a game!

Me: Is it you throw toys around the house and I pick them up?

4: No. Yes.

When I find someone else’s grocery list in a shopping cart I use it….see where it takes me.

DO NOT PRESS RED BUTTON

“When are you due?”
Insulted, she flashes me a glare and relocates to another seat.
My eyes stay fixed on the library book she left behind.

INSPECTOR: do you use growth hormones?
ME: our cows are completely organic
*ground trembles & alarms flash*
ME: Oh no! Steakosaurus Rex has escaped!

Some fancy kids just egged my house with quail eggs. I went out to yell, and one of them garnished me with chives.

The worst part of being named Michael is repeatedly being broken up with via a text that states *drops Mike*