2020 is the worst Choose Your Own Adventure book ever
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[Concert finishes]
Me: *taking a bow*
Violinist: Hey, give that back
Told my 18yo we’re out of mac’n’cheese, so he’d have to do something else for lunch for once. He says, “I’ll just break into my personal stash.” Goes into his room, rummages around, comes out with two boxes of Annie’s mac’n’cheese.
?????
Just tried to move my cursor and took me a beat to realize my mouse was upside down and doing the exact opposite of what my brain was telling it to do. Drunkest three seconds of my life.
*blowing up your phone at 3am*
I get it now. Skeletor is the hot one. Not He-Man.
This probably isn’t good
It should’ve been a red flag when my ex told me that he got his futon mattress/bed out of a dumpster, but then I married him for 20 years.
If you wish me a happy thanksgiving don’t be surprised if I whip out a ziplock bag and ask you to bring me home some leftovers.
A 5 day juice diet. They said I would “feel it” working in just 5 days. They were right, I’ve never felt more hungry in all my life.
NO SCREENS FOR THE WHOLE WEEKEND just fell out of my mouth and if divorce were a facial expression my husband just asked me for one
When you find out your hotel has a waffle bar.
My college kid makes a Hot Pocket nearly everyday, and still reads the directions every time he cooks one.
If I’m grilling and I can see you grilling, we will engage in a ceremonial tong click and bow.
My boyfriend is being so nice to me since I showed him how easy it was to remove blood from carpeting…
Nose
Hmm. Nissan Altima TV commercial boasts NASA inspired zero-gravity seats. But if you’re in zero gravity, you don’t need seats
My father (68, white, straight, male): “Hey, can you explain this bear in the woods thing to me? I don’t understand. Obviously, women would rather meet a random gay man in the woods. But why does he have to be a bear?”
Tuesday
oh frick my wife just asked me to bring 10 pages of my best “husbanding” to the living room for a review
When I picked up my 5yo from school, she had on a construction paper hat that she made. I asked if it was a jellyfish. The joy in her eyes slowly turned into disappointment, “it’s a spider!” I failed her.
[date doesn’t cry at the beginning of Up]
“I think we should see other people.”
Ok, seriously men… You can’t hear yourselves snoring, but the slightest crinkle of a chip bag, and you’re suddenly wide awake?!
ME: *so high I’m screaming*
WIFE: I told you to just call someone to clean the gutters!
Me at a rave: Where the fuck are the chairs
In China it’s considered bad luck to be eaten by a lion.
Save some Fritos for later by keeping them stuck in your molars.
“TGIM!” – My liver
I tried using that face app which makes people look old, and apparently it’s called a mirror.
Any bar is a karaoke bar if you’re drunk enough.
guys, i almost wrote an inspirational tweet what is happening