Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*lady shares a wallet photo of her son*
*i pull out a 20-part accordion wallet photo set of my dogs*

People with pretty privilege?

You mean the gourgeoisie???

NASA is launching a new mission to say sorry to the aliens, they are calling it, “Apollo G”

Her: So when you said you were going to make me happy using just your mouth…

Me: *putting down microphone* BEATBOXING IS A GIFT SARAH

Kids: “Mom watch this. Watch this. Mom. Mama. Mama watch this. You’re not looking. Mom look. Look at me. You’re not looking.”

Me: merging onto the highway

People are shitting on gorilla kid’s mom for not watching. My mom had three kids under 5. I could’ve run a terrorist cell outta my treehouse

My favorite part of parenting is watching the same tiny human that just happily ate what he pulled out of his nose, gag over my homemade lasagna

The new options on Facebook look like the life cycle of every relationship I’ve ever had

Fiction has to make sense.

Cow Teacher:
Did you regurgitate enough for the rest of the class?

Heifer *chewing cud*
No

Teacher: Swallow it again then please

[My funeral]

Boss: *Solemnly placing his hand on my casket and sobbing* how could you do this to me after I told you you’re essential

when my four year old asked “mommy does a snowman have 3 balls?” I realized my biggest problem is im just not, nor will i ever be, mature enough to have kids

I’ve named my cat “Before” & my chihuahua “After.”

It works better if I introduce them wearing a lab coat and clipboard, giggling.

as an adult I encounter ingrown nose hairs far more often than random quicksand and that’s bullshit

[cloud watching]

GIRLFRIEND: That one looks like a ring.

ME: I think it looks like two people taking it slow despite the pregnancy.

Bookternity leave should be a thing. Like maternity leave but for when you have new books to read

Me: If you could sleep with —

Wife: Ryan Reynolds!

Me: –the window opened a little bit, I would appreciate it.

I just lost all my tabs. Only now do I understand the tragedy that was the burning of the Library of Alexandria.

If evolution isn’t real, then why are my hands the perfect size and shape for carrying Starbucks cups?

Did Ace of Base ever do another song wherein it was explained what happened to her original baby?

ROBOT TEENAGER: I’m grounded?? That’s so unfair! *You’ve* been smoking for years!

ROBOT DAD: How dare y– That is a medical condition!!

“This is literally the worst beer I’ve ever tasted.”

*finishes six pack*

Which of the f’s in ‘Jeff’ is silent?

Cops hauled me away for drawing faces on potatoes and makin’ em kiss.
“It’s just too sexy” one cop whispered to me on our way to the jail

i thought crypto and bitcoin were x-men characters

Me: What time are we leaving?

Wife: In 3 or 4 hours

Me: Ok, I’ll be waiting in the car

Is it “butt” naked or “buck” naked? Either way, this dentist appointment is making me very uncomfortable.

[reeling in big fish and turns to friend]
you got the net?
“yes”
ok, google how to get this thing in the boat

My boss accidentally muted himself on this zoom meeting 20 minutes ago and none of us have told him

Kid being grounded in 1978:

YOU CAN’T GO OUTSIDE. YOU MUST STAY IN YOUR ROOM.

Kid being grounded in 2018:

YOU CAN’T STAY IN YOUR ROOM. YOU MUST GO OUTSIDE.