2020 is vacuuming a penny, then a quarter, then a cat.
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‘NO NO NO NO NO NO’ – My brain, every time words start coming out of my mouth.
[Interview]
“You were arrested for armed robbery?”
I had no choice. It’s silly to try and rob a bank without your arms.
“We’ll be in touch.”
A water balloon fight but the balloons are filled with meaty chili
You can always count on me to bring my famous recipe of “bag of ice” to your summer cookout.
Me: And thus concludes homeschool. I’ve literally imparted all of my knowledge to you.
Kid: It’s been an hour.
Me: You’re free to go.
Kid: Like, go play?
Me: Like, move out
Kid: I’m 7.
Me: And what a head start on life you’ll have.
If you judge how good or bad someone is at breathing are you aspi-rating?
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me: Idk how dark is it?
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
How do stick men play fetch with their dog?
Me: Can you tell the girl in the white dress I think she’s hot?
Priest: Absolutely not
Please take the smartphone away from your pets, they are spamming your Facebook with selfies.
#ChangeAConsonantSpoilAMovie
Snapes On A Plane
Surgeon: We’ve successfully removed part of your intestine
Me: That took guts, LOL
Patient: Who is that guy?
Surgeon: I thought you knew him
OH. COME. ON.
I wish my doctor would put down a little treat to distract me like my vet does for my dog.
Real women have curves!!! Real women have spirals!!! Real women are plump and covered in a creamy sauce wait nope thinkin of pasta
If you see a baby locked in a car break the window and put another baby in there, he’s probably lonely.
the Lord of the Rings is mostly a bunch of really old guys walking around telling some 40 year old Hobbits “yeah this place used to be really cool but it sucks now”
*Handed a baby*
Awww he’s so cute. Do you have anything quieter?
Weird how people say that gay marriage will lead to people marrying dogs, but the 2nd amendment is never gonna give dogs guns.
What do I want to do to your body? I don’t know. Identify it, I guess.
i am in another room with the door open and she has food and water, and yet, my cat is out in the hallway meowing like she’s wandering through a post-apocalyptic wasteland and is the sole survivor
[poking you repeatedly in the shoulder] I’ll keep this up until you acknowledge me. I’ve got nowhere else to be.
“This is why I hate fancy restaurants, I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
How are you supposed to buy a gift for your mom as an adult? It’s like, oh you gave birth to me? Please enjoy this fancy candle.
When a fancy lady told me she was from an upscale neighborhood, I stared at her, mouth agape and said, ‘Oh shit! I’m so sorry. Are you okay?’ She didn’t like that at all.
If my husband doesn’t start helping with the housework soon, we’ll need a crime scene cleaning crew.
Daughter:What’s a whore?
Me:Not now.
Daughter I’ll ask my aunt.
Me:You’re getting warm.
Daughter:Mom will know.
Me: You’re on fire!