Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*sees that all the leaves have blown into the neighbour’s yard*

*buys all the lottery tickets*

2022 Jesus turns water into gasoline.

If she holds your hair back while you throw up in a McDonald’s bathroom, that’s a hurlfriend.

tums is missing out on selling pumpkin spice flavored antacid and calling it autums.

All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all french toast.

my father: enjoying the marching band?

me: yes 🙂

my father: when you grow up will you be the savior of the broken, beaten, and damned and defeat your demons & nonbelievers? cuz one day i’ll leave you, a phantom to-

me: feels like youve got some of your own stuff going on here

Baked beans are like regular beans except they can’t stop laughing, love munchies and sleep on your couch.

I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.

love that every recipe article begins extended background context now. i came here to learn how to cook, but now i’m 6 pages deep into pancake lore. it’s the lord of the rings’ appendices for the modern age.

WIFE: I love the oaky, earthen taste of this wine.
FRIEND: Mine is both crisp and full-bodied.
ME: [corks on my teeth] I am Count Corkula.

Me: why aren’t you studying?
My kid: I didn’t see you coming.

Bro what is this

You know what they say about a guy with big hands?

He can carry more cheeseburgers.

Can’t party the way I used to. Two rounds of Pin the Tail on the Donkey and I’m spent.

Interviewer: so where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.

My wife’s stance against me deep-fry a turkey may be influenced by a recent incident when she was on a trip to TN and the backyard camera alert kept going off on her phone because the pork belly on the grill burst into flame and the waves of dark smoke kept triggering the camera

According to tinder, every guy is at a lake holding a fish & every girl is on top of a mountain & that’s why it’s so tragically hard to meet

If Christian Bale’s voice as Batman were any more throaty, that dude would be talking Arabic.

When I was much younger, my father giving me a sip of some Budweiser beer hoping to somehow sway me from drinking beer. All it did was teach me what beers to avoid.

me: my friends:

When I was 20 my hairdresser pointed out my first gray hair.

It’s weird how she was never seen or heard from again.

That awkward moment when a zombie is looking for brains and he walks right past you…

bigfoot

the abominable snowman

chupacabras

the loch ness monster

a unicorn

mermaids

restful sleep

dragons

a super walmart

werewolves

happiness

cyclops

a 2,000 calorie diet

santa claus

It hurts when someone you love says mean things like, ‘Mom, wake up’ and ‘Mom, you need to get out of bed and make breakfast’

therapist: what’s on your mind

me: why would a bull be in a china shop to begin with

[on a date]
*don’t let him know you’re a bird*

Him: I’ll drive us. I just had my car cleaned and detailed.

Me: *poops all over windshield*

You can’t scare me, I grew up on ‘80s horror movies and still took a job as a camp counselor on a lake.

Me: It’s America’s birthday!
Kid: Like Brave?
Me: Yes! Home of the brave. So smart!
Kid: I like her orange hair.
Me: …ok let’s start over.

[first time seeing Godzilla]
ok so where’s Jesuszilla

Digging through a box in the closet, I found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was almost a year ago.