Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The outskirts implies the existence of the inpants.

Felt so bad for this dude.
Imagine showing up to your son’s high school football game and he gets killed by Hitler.

employer: if you’re sick don’t come to work so you don’t spread the germs!

employee: i’m sick

employer: how sick?

Whoever decided to make Peeps flavored Pepsi and NOT call it Peepsi committed the biggest fumble in the history of sugar

[watching The Avengers]

7YR OLD: daddy, why does Hulk get so angry?

ME: probably because his kid won’t stop asking questions during movies

Someone once told me “If you love something, set it free”. I told them not to mind about those noises coming from the basement.

“How can I improve my cooking skills?”

Reddit: ummm methinks it was too hot in the kitchen for someone

Quora: Practice , avoid getting divorced that where it went down hill for me … [1/50]

Google A.i search result: Leave the gas burners on over night and kill any witnesses

For this Halloween I’ve trained my eyebrows to leap off my face & destroy those who’ve angered me.

Wife: Can you take the kale chips out of the oven?

Me: Sure. Can you hold the trash open?

😅🤣😂

Luke: Lightsabers cut through anything.

Ninja: So does a samurai sword.

L: But does it make a cool noise?

N: *cuts off Luke’s other hand*

Me: Hello, can you force an update on my computer that will affect most of my vital programs in a negative way?

Microsoft: Actually, we were just about to push an update to do that.

Me: Can you also offer no help to fix the issues?

Microsoft: Have we ever not let you down?

Walk into a random building, go to a random floor, step into a random meeting, and take a donut. Best donut you’ll ever eat.

The person who came up with the word onomatopoeia woke up one morning and chose vowelence.

ME: hey guys what’s the herps?
HIM: u mean haps?
M: oh, haha yea. what’s the itch?—I mean sitch
H: uh
M: hows it herpin?
H:
M: I have herpes

My cat just brought me my purse and car keys not sure what he’s trying to tell me.

1. Stand in sauna
2. Add 30,000 strangers
3. Take 2 steps every 30 seconds
4. Repeat for 12 hours

Congratulations! How was Disneyworld?

enough about microplastics. wanna try some macroplastics. i’m eating a frisbee

me: lord if you’re up there, give me a sign

booming voice from above: LOG OFF

me: that could’ve been anyone

maybe there is no I in team but I see there is a goat in go team, so that’s fun

I took my family out to an authentic Chinese restaurant. My wife and I had chow mein and my daughter built 3 iPhones

Wife: honey the kitchen really needs an update

Me: consider it done love
*hanging this year’s calendar on the fridge*

Nurse: You can come inside now.

*Stands up*

*Dusts off jacket*

*Straightens bow tie*

*Fastens cufflinks*

*Ahem*

“That’s what she said”

ME: I wish I had antlers
GENIE: You’d look pretty weird being the only one w/ antlers
M: Fine, I wish everyone had antlers
G: Oka-
M: But my antlers are demonstrably superior
G: You know you can wish for non-antler things
M: *Sees my awful neighbor Carl* I wish his antlers sucked

I hate it when you’re about to sacrifice a baby, and you notice one of the other satanists is wearing the same robes.

[gazing into The mirror of Erised]

Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*

Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*