2020; January, February, Quarantine, December.
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I only like to read about non violent historical events. I’m a pastifist.
I had to call some kid’s mom last night to tell her he’s selling pot, and that it’s waaay overpriced.
I once accidentally broke up with a girl on a broken-down train, when I said “I don’t think this is going anywhere.”
Everyone knows there’s no such thing as a zombie army. The proper name is the Marine Corpse.
i cant believe ashton kutcher made the apple computer and iphones. thank you ashton
Me: So, let me get this straight. It’s cute for the toddler to wear her flannel jammies to the grocery store but it’s embarrassing if I do it?
Husband: I have nothing to say. I knew what I was getting into when I married you.
The opposite of a backhanded compliment is a blessing in diss guise.
Women would be all over Bruce Wayne if he showed them the bat cave, but when I say… “hey wanna check out this cave under my house?”…. I get karate chopped
A great summer prank is to park your car just outside the mall with a fully cooked ham in baby clothes strapped into a child seat.
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
Do not stop by my house unexpectedly then act surprised when I answer the door in my underwear eating baked beans straight from the can.
Her: Have you sold anything since you became a writer?
Me *stares around my empty house* everything
I called the cops on my own party once because I was ready to go to bed.
(Me giving a Rorschach test) What do you see?
Patient: A house and
Me: Wrong it’s Batman. Ok this one?
Patient: I se
Me: Nope. Batman again.
Really, every section of the greeting card aisle could be called “Societal Obligation.”
Every great and accomplished chef had to start somewhere.
I am looking properly as I cross the road my child said as her face disappeared completely inside her hood each time she looked left and right.
“We’re taking it to another level.”
-escalators
every four years, people report on fencing, and every four years, they say the weapons are sharp. they’re not sharp dude. everyone would die. first place would get a gold medal and second through last place would get buried
Ever look in a mirror wondering about the stranger staring back & then realize it’s your neighbor’s window and they’re calling the cops?
I wish I could call my dad’s therapist and be like “hey what exactly are you working on over there???”
Teen horror movies taught me one thing. Vampires really want to hang around with us.
“What skills would you bring to the apocalypse?”
Me: Um, brooding real hard.
Did someone text back with just “K”? You know what you should do? Stop texting them dumb shit.
“Some people say I’m an animal in the sack.” – baby kangaroo
Bloke outside my window has had his car engine running for about 20 minutes now, while jazz plays loudly on the radio within. Just in case you were wondering what I’ll be citing as “mitigating circumstances”.
😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
When people say “To be honest…”, it means that up to that point they’ve been lying.