Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The biggest problem with prison is that you can only rearrange your cell in so many ways because of where the toilet is.

I have CDO. It’s like OCD, but the letters are in alphabetical order. Like they should be.

Doctor: you’re not going to make it

Me: give me a number doc

Doctor: 8

Me: *pees into a cup 8 feet away*

Doctor: damn son

Pretty excited about making a huge Thanksgiving feast so my daughter can eat a roll.

When the app is running smoothly, no one acknowledges the developers. But when it glitches for two seconds, suddenly we’re the most popular guys in the building.

Don’t go hunting down relationships or looking for love. Let it find you. Naturally.

You know, like a jogger finding a body on the trails.

Griddle me this!!

– Batman villain ordering breakfast.

I want to learn scuba diving but I’m terrified of the orchestral music in underwater documentaries.

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

Don’t talk to me about multiple universes I have enough trouble keeping this one running.

Me too, tin of tuna. Me too.

I bet most people learn their neighbor kid’s name not by proper introduction, but by the parents yelling it in a loud voice over & over.

My vet just texted me and asked for me to bring a sample of my cats “first pee of the morning” to her appointment tomorrow and I just have…so many questions. First of all: how. Second…what is morning to a cat??? Cats just..sleep whenever???

My 4yo said he was playing at lunch with a girl from his class at school.

Me: Which game were you playing?

4: Lava Queen and Assistant!

Me: Let me guess. You were the assistant?

4: How did you know, daddy?!

Daddy knows.

i like how every TEDtalk ever is just like “organize your time better” and everyone says “revolutionary, thank you”

History: delete
Pics: delete
Texts: delete
Kik: delete
“Why yes, you can use my phone for a second.”

Now she’s falling asleep, and I’m calling a crab.

Librarian: Shhh!
Me: *changes blender to low setting*

we need to take away the covid variant naming rights from the nerds trying to make it sound cool

I didn’t say I don’t believe in god, I’m just asking if he has any control over the powerball

Fun fact: Taking a box of condoms to the pharmacist’s window and asking for the fitting room will get you thrown out of Target.

Old people like to get up at 4am so they can go sit in chairs and fall back asleep

Aw! She reminds me of me when I was in college!

[serving dinner]

ME: What’s is called when chefs set food on fire?

WIFE: Flambé?

ME: I’ve flambéd your soup

[wife calls]
“What time will you be home?”
“About 6.”
“Good, my parents are here &-”
“Actually there’s been a fire at work & we all died.”

Difference between stoners and drunks are ..5 drunk will start a fight…5 stoners will start a band

MOVIES: Ok, time for bed kiddo.
*child kisses parents and goes to bed

MY HOUSE: Time for bed.
*mixed martial acrobatics is now a sport

I fail to see how his relationship status is of any relevance

In the Flirtatious Period, the dinosaurs did a hell of a lot of winkin’…

my daughter told me that I am eating my elderly era. I’m not sure what that means and if I should thank her or ground her