Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I want to learn scuba diving but I’m terrified of the orchestral music in underwater documentaries.

Choose your pet name wisely because you’ll be yelling it out in your neighborhood if you lose them.

*uses falsetto voice*

MR. SMOOCHES!!

Just saw a squirrel jump about 15 feet from one tree to another. He is now my new emergency contact.

gf: where’s that parcel from

me: amazon

gf: what’s in it

me: *bleeding* piranhas

ME: *staring into my lover’s eyes in the midst of a warm embrace*
HER: What are you thinking?
ME: *caressing her cheek* I forgot your name.

I’d be that girl in the movies that can’t successfully hide from the killer because my stomach growls.

Please pray for my friends’ 4-year-old. They found out today 7 minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or videotaped and put on Facebook.

My husband keeps insisting we try 69, but I think we should keep the thermostat at 72 degrees this winter.

Quick! I’m doing my taxes. Is it normal to get $76,000 back when you make $60,000?

Sometimes I worry about my daughter getting the wrong ideas about romantic relationships, but as we were eating, I overheard heard her mutter “I’m gonna marry this burrito,” so…nah, she’s good.

Girls, if you’re gonna shave your eyebrows off just to draw them on again, at least make them interesting. How about drawing two umbrellas?

4-year-old: It’s not fair. Boys can have beards but girls can’t.

Me: Well, girls can have babies and boys can’t.

4: Want to trade?

[at Taco Bell]

Me: TWO SOFT TACOS AND A BEAN BURRITO BOYEEEEEE

Speaker: ˢᴵᴿ˒ ᴾᴸᴱᴬˢᴱ ᴾᵁᴸᴸ ᵁᴾ ᵞᴼᵁ’ᴿᴱ ᵀᴬᴸᴷᴵᴺᴳ ᵀᴼ ᴬ ᴸᴵᴳᴴᵀ ᴾᴼᴸᴱ

[house hunting]

Loved that one. Great price & the owner seemed trustworthy

HER: It was next to a sewage plant & he had three eyepatches on

[over megaphone]
“Police! We have you astounded!”
“Jim, it’s ‘surrounded’.”
“No, I know but look at his face.”

fedex guy: here’s your package

me: thanks

fedex guy: sign please

me: [blushing] Pisces

The only reason i’m not practicing bungee jumping is because i refuse to be weighed.

Who would of thunk it folks, having a mask, rubber gloves, bleach and hand sanitizer is now acceptable to have in your vehicle.

peanut butter toast, simultaneously an underrated food and the majority of my genetic makeup

So apparently if someone invites you to dinner at their home, it’s impolite to create a negative Yelp review about it the next day.

when everyone else grabs a partner immediately and the teacher says “why don’t you come up and dance with me”

Me: [takes bite of PBJ sandwich]

6yo: Mommmm! Don’t eat my lunch!

Me: [giggles] I’m just testing it first to make sure there’s no poison!

6yo: yeah ri-

Me: [collapses]

My only crime was love. And 6 different murders in 3 different states. Also some criminal mischief. Tbh it was a pretty rough week.

When you pick a name for your kid, type it in Microsoft Word first. If the red squiggly line shows up, please reconsider.

Kids: Yay! Summer break!

Me: Not so fast. Let me introduce you to…THE GREAT SUMMER CHORE CHART OF 2017!

*3 kids faint, 1 runs away*

A key difference between keeping a cat & chimp as a pet, is a cat will eat your face off when you die. But chimps lack that kind of patience

A coworker just told me that “it is what it is” and I have never felt so enlightened.

If alcohol kills millions of brain cells, how come it never killed the ones that made me want to drink?

I dunno, I guess it started when my parents got married in a gazebo

[stabbing you with a knife]

I’m just being sarcastic, lighten up.