2020: My work here is done. Nothing will ever top my masterpiece.
2021: Hold my Mountain Dew.
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They put rubber bands on lobster claws to prevent them from being on their phones all day.
My cat is meowing loudly so I told her to use her indoor voice and she was like, “bitch, I’m an indoor cat. This IS my indoor voice.”
Florida be like…
Find out if they really listen to you by occasionally replacing please and thanks with squeeze and yanks.
Me, dry heaving and wheezing: Everest was a mistake! I’m going to die alone on this godless wasteland
The Sherpa: Miss? We are still in the parking lot
“Draw me like one of your Trash girls”
The indescribable pain of having a client read off the options they see under “Settings.”
To Doo List:
1. Cockadoodle
2. Yabba Dabba
3. Voo
4. Sea
5. Didgeri
I was raised by a single mother who worked 60 hours a week. Today I was too lazy to eat a mango.
“I traded my carpet in for bare floors” –coworker. “Oh, me too. I love the shaved look.”, said me. Apparently, she really meant carpet.
Robert Downey Jr. will always be my hero, not because of Iron Man, but because he broke into someone’s home just to take a nap.
Him: I’m a champion bull rider, baby. I know how to handle the ride.
Me: All I’m hearing is you last for 8 seconds.
[You’re at Gwyneth Paltrow’s house and the power goes out]
NO. DEAR GOD, NO!
Americans should be asking Santa for better presidential candidates and nothing else.
Our Alexa flashes every time we get an Amazon delivery, which is why there are 200 teens at the door thinking we’re throwing a rave.
shaved my legs in case there’s someone hot and single aboard the ufo
You’re an adult – you can eat the whole tube of toothpaste if you want to. No one can stop you
[being dragged off the plane]
Wait! Those are my 30-50 service hogs!
“hello pretty lady.” [i slide down the bar] “what’s your name?” i say as i casually toss a peanut in my eye.
[1st date]
HER: I love the idea of marriage. What are your thoughts on it?
ME: [trying to impress her] I have 6 wives
NASA : we were wrong , there ARE 9 planets in the Solar System
PLUTO: I’m back, baby!
NASA: because we found a new one!
PLUTO: SON OF A
If my mobile provider started charging 3 times as much as their nearest competitor but there was no voicemail, I’d still stay with them.
Give em an enchilada, they’ll take a milechilada.
I’ve got a great sense of humor *closes eyes and tilts head slightly upward* yes. there is humor nearby. 40, no, 50 yards from here
The next time someone sneezes, please don’t say ‘God bless you.’
I just…I just need a day off from the sneezes, is that too much to ask?
Sure I’d love a long chat. Let me make you more comfortable. *slides a cactus plant between us*
“White Purr!” – Ku Klux Kat
Me & my mate are Scots. We were visiting England & got arrested for being drunk and disorderly. The English cops really believed our names (in Scottish accent) were Ben Doon and Phil McAvity. We were only rumbled when the Scottish desk sergeant at the station burst out laughing.