Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Hello, my name’s Drew and I’m an addict”

“Sir, this is a cheese counter”

Instead of a sock on your door, hang a doughnut. Not only is Doughnut Disturb hilarious, you provide a snack for your now homeless roommate.

me: head, shoulders, knees and toes, eyes and ears and mouth and nose

CDC: no

I think my girlfriend’s a secret drug dealer–
I just answered her phone, and this man said “is that dope still there?”

I just start doing the Macarena when I want to end conversations now.

CW: Who’s the more the foolish: the fool, or the-
Me: Ted, I don’t have time for this, so I’m going to slap you hard then take myself to HR.

To keep people on their toes, when offered food at an event, I ask “Are there bees in this?”

Libra: Many good things are in store for you! Unfortunately, the store is closed for repairs.

Cop: can u describe your attacker
Me: super aggressive, with a big nose & powerful arms
Cop: u just described a seagull
Me: he took my chips

To bye at an auction you should bid adieu

Tried to pull up my sleeve and accidentally punched myself.

It’s okay, I’ve had it coming for some time now.

Me: Goodnight Moon
Moon: Well hi there. I can’t hear you because I’m 240,000 miles away and sound doesn’t travel in space. Die in a fire.

[writing last will and testament] and to Oliver i leave my “Why I Taught Bears To Use Swords” memoir

BEAR: [from outside] FIGHT ME U COWARD

[McDonalds board meeting]

CEO: We need some mascots that cater to children. Kids love clowns, criminals and eggplants right?

Yearly reminder: unless you’re over 60, you weren’t promised flying cars. You were promised an oppressive cyberpunk dystopia. Here you go.

teacher: are u a visual thinker, auditory thinker, or kinesthetic thinker
me: oh im not a thinker

LAWYER: ur dad’s estate—
ME: who called it executing a will instead of splittin heirs
L: he said if u made a dumb joke u get nothing
M: shit

Pooh on Cold Callers:

These are very kind people who call you to ask if you’ve been injured at work. They are so thoughtful they ring several times a day just to make sure you’re all right. I keep telling them I don’t know what work is but they still keep calling me anyway…

A friend wants me to be friends with her friend. I now have one less friend.

her: i like a guy that can last long 😉

me, a piece of flavored gum: shit

*Santa lifts a rug while sweeping and finds a dusty, crumpled note*
“Please keep my family safe, love Bruce Wayne.”
*Santa grows very pale*

I spilled red wine on my white pants. So I decided to sprinkle blue glitter on them too. I’m now a top seller on Etsy.

going ballistic.

anyone need anything?

I couldn’t remember the word tumbleweed

I was really excited to see the Wicked movie until it got shoved down my throat in product placements. Now I just want to drop a house on the marketing director. And steal their shoes

Jane Fonda as bottles of hand wash.

A thread.

Thanks, baby Jesus, for helping me get that new job instead of helping millions of children find water and food. I know it was a tough call.

Humans were not meant to have this many passwords

“Sorry, are you…?”
“Oh… no! No, I’m not, sorry…”
“Ah! That’s ok, haha, thanks, sorry”
“Sorry”

Transcript of a Brit asking another Brit if they’re in the queue

Wife: Let’s get my mom a special gift; one that will make her lose her mind!

Me: How about a guillotine?

Wife:

Me: I’ll be on the couch.