Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I need a vacation by myself.

Me, alone on the beach for 5 minutes with my thoughts: not like that.

I’ve been standing here for 30 minutes and it hasn’t even moved.

My husband just asked me “what are you eating now?” He’s officially declared war

My Girlfriend says I have a tendency to get ahead of myself.
Well she’s not my girlfriend yet….

My insurance company said if my tent is stolen while I’m camping, I won’t be covered.

Date: Do you want to go upstairs?

Me: Sure.

Date: Do you have any protection?

Me: Who’s up there?

My daughter turns 3 today. Due to our tight budget, we’re not telling her.

6 year old: Daddy, what if the plane goes down? Me: Don’t worry, your mom is with us. She never goes down. 6 year old: What? Me: Want candy?

barista: room for cream?

me: oh you must be new *puts hand on his shoulder* that’s called a refrigerator

What kind of doctor are you?
-Apathologist
A… pathologist?
-No, apathologist. People come to me when they need medical don’t care.

My husband and I now have an app that tells us if the garage door is open or closed and this effectively gets rid of 90% of conversation during car rides.

Whatd I do for Halloween, I hear you ask?
Cleaned off the porch & fed the birds.

But like, scarily. Or whatever.

friend: you’re saying a huge alien lifted you onto his ship, examined you, and sent you back?

fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying

Can I put on a tinder account that I’ve never lost at Wordle, or is that too hot?

Not everyone in my family follows Apple news, my sister included

“The lights are on but nobody’s home” is such a brutal way to say somebody’s dumb 😭😭😭😭😭

This total stranger wanted to have a spontaneous tickle fight on the street and…oh…nope, never mind I’m being robbed. Guys I’m being rob

I saved a ton of money on a security system by hanging a bunch of shitty wind chimes through out my house.

Maggi is the girlfriend of the food world. It says 2 minutes but never gets ready in less than 20 minutes.

Wife: Sarah’s husband gives her flowers EVERY day. I wish you’d do that!
Me: uh ok

[next day]
Me *giving Sarah flowers* no I don’t get it either

I’m an Easter egg in the streets and a deviled egg in the sheets.

What does a Thesaurus eat for breakfast?

A synonym roll.

*Strong man rips a phone book in half

Me: That’s amazing, where did you get a phone book?

HEY UNCLES – KEEP YOUR GODDAMN WIVES UNDER CONTROL

[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]

‘But that means…’

[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]

“Have u seen my cat?”
“I saw a cat down the road?”
“Really? [shows me a picture] was it this cat?”
“No, the one I saw was dead.”

I wonder how many baptisms by fire were performed before someone switched to water.

A guy came up to me and said he loved my car selfies. Well, it was a cop and his actual words were “This ticket is for distracted driving.”

*Opens Twitter*…..scrolls 4356 tweets….*checks for abs*

magician: “think of a letter, any letter”
me: “ok”
magician: “now double it”
me: [visibly confused]