Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Fact: If you bind together the receipts of things you buy in an airport, it makes a tiny book that tells the tragic story of how you have no money anymore.

I feel a special bond w/ ppl that always pop up in my ‘May Know’ Facebook window. Like u see me,I see u &we’ve both agreed not to be friends

No one is more hated than those two people who start a standing ovation.

saw a garbage truck with the tagline “our business stinks, but it’s picking up!” pretty good imo.

[inventing tupperware]

make it with a material that never lets them forget that one time they made spaghetti

My birthday’s 9 months after my dad’s. So I have to live with that knowledge.

Me: I want you to have this bracelet. it belonged to my grandmother.

Her: why does it say “do not resuscitate”

Pro revenge tip: Paint a Jesus-shaped stain on your hated neighbor’s driveway, then alert local churches.

My grandfather just figured out what instagram is so now he says “#nofilter” after every casually racist comment he makes.

my wife’s friend is so pissed i made fun of his lazy eye he’s having a hard time even looking at me

pregnant wife: what should we call it if it’s a girl?

me: herbert

pregnant wife: but what if it’s a b-

me: himbert

If they stole your tweet they probably need it more than you do.

Hi, I’m Ben. You might remember me from such dates as “Hey, your friend is cute.” and “I forgot my wallet at home”.

My wife working in our garden: How does it look?

Me: Well that’s the last place I ever expected to see throw pillows.

*arriving home as my house burns down*

Firefighter: I’m sorry ma’am. Your boyfriend didn’t make it.

Me: I know. It was built in the 80’s.

babies ‍ gremlins
‍🤝

getting wet after midnight makes more

Girl: that’s a fine-tooth comb

Guy: *combing teeth* thanks

barbie’s story is actually so sad like her parents left her with her 3 sisters and she had to take up 200 jobs to take care of them then on top of that her boyfriend is gay and won’t get a job

August 9th is Book Lovers Day! Not to brag but I once wrote a book on pizza. My publisher suggested I use paper next time.

If you’re in Burger King longer than 5 minutes, you’re the manager

You’re right. My money don’t jiggle jiggle. That’s the folds of my dad bod. Yea. They wiggle wiggle too.

TRAINER: you know what they say
ME: no pain! lo mein!
TRAINER: it’s “no gain”
ME: (eating Chinese food) i like this better

you should get a pension for having to go to school for 12 years

Whenever somebody asks me what my hobby is, there is a long uncomfortable pause and then I back away until I can’t see them anymore.

Sometimes I’m sandpaper and sometimes I’m chapstick and sometimes I’m bad at metaphors.

When you think about it, Jesus really accomplished a lot in the four months between Christmas and Easter.

At jury duty they said, “You do not have to be fluent in English.” So what you’re supposed to do is just guess if the guy is innocent.

*yawns so wide a bird flies into mouth*
*closes mouth*
*looks around to see if anyone noticed*
*swallows bird*
*acts like nothing happened*

Of all the cheeses, sharp cheddar is the most difficult to deceive.

Grocery store

Me: reach something for me?

Tall guy: sure thing!

Me: I have an itch right under my left shoulder blade.