Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: “Your baby looks just like you.”
-“Thank you!”
Me: “Funny you took that as a compliment but ok.”

Doctor: he broke his legs saving a baby from a house fire

Wife: what really happened?

Me: I thought the cat was trying to teach me parkour

I’m trying to pretend these kids aren’t mine, but it’s so hard when they are sitting at the same table as me in this restaurant.

Did you know a tornado with no debris is called a naked twister?

Related: This evening is not going how I imagined.

“Have you seen the cat, Sam?”
“The what now?”

Me: The new guy’s a lumberjack?
Boss: Yep
Me: He seems nice…
Boss: STOP
Me: I’ll bet he’s good at…
Boss: DONT
Me: random axe of kindness

Single and childfree like Jesus

My 30 yr old called me this morning to ask when he had the chicken pox…please, I can’t even remember if I took my pills last night

*whispers to dog wearing a ‘working dog, do not pet’ vest*
psst what time does your shift end?

I wonder if Eric Clapton really thought she looked Wonderful or was it just the 20th outfit she’d tried & he just wanted to get to the party

Engineers: “okay, so we agree the space between the seat and the console will allow people to see what they dropped but never retrieve it”

[After kidnapping]
ME: Don’t worry I have a particular set of skills
..

ME [making mice tuxedos] admittedly I don’t know how this will help

Stop telling men beards alone will make women love them when everyone knows they need to play the guitar too.

My wife asked me to get the house ready as her friend is sleeping here tonight so as an optimist our bed now has 3 pillows.

I hang crystals in my window as a warning to other crystals

ME: I’d like to return a defective boomerang

SHOPKEEPER: Ok. Where is it?

ME: I have no idea

Lately I have the attention span of wait what

I hate it when I’m having a relaxing shower & the mall security guard screams “Get out of the water fountain” & “Put your clothes back on”.

Me: What do you say when someone shows you a pic of their ugly baby?

Friend: Just make a comment like “Look at all that hair!”

[looking at pic later on]
Me: Look at all that nose!

We’ve had far more storms since we started naming them. We’re giving them the attention they crave. Just call it needy wind.

My dogs have learned that whenever they hear the f-word in the kitchen, there’s now food on the floor.

Life would be so much simpler if you could just smack the stupid out of people instead having to reason with them.

twitter: you don’t owe ANYONE an explanation. ghost him. it’s called SELF CARE

twitter the next day: ghosting is literally physical abuse. DO NOT under any circumstances ghost ANYONE because they will likely decide to take their own life and you will be held solely responsible.

“Ooh go on then, I’ll just have one!”

*eats many, many, many, many biscuits*

Mark Wahlberg will star in 6 films over the next 14 months meanwhile Donnie Wahlberg just placed 7th in a Donnie Wahlberg look alike contest

WIFE: He’s too literal and unromantic

THERAPIST: Tell her something that comes straight from the heart

ME: [whispers in her ear] Arteries

If you see my kid on zoom in the same clothes he’s been wearing the past five days mind your business our homeschool has a uniform.

Discuss

I just opened a Capri Sun in the dark, sup ladies