2020: Tidepods ‘the sequel’
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Thoughts and prayers to everyone in Hawaii who finally came clean w/ a spouse or partner thinking the missile was on its way.
I still can’t believe someone stole my neighbours wind chimes tomorrow morning
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
If your cat brings home a dead bird and presents it to you, don’t be rude. Take a little bite.
Me: Forgive me father I have sinned
Priest: Get out of my house
M: But it’s a big sin
P: *sigh* Speak child
M: I broke into your house
“No way.” -Jose
An app that detects itself running on other people’s phones, then both devices play Random Encounter music. What happens next is up to you.
Boy are you an automatic faucet? Just a slight hand movement and you’re spraying all over me.
We got caught Brian, just act normal..
Me: Can I take a peak?
Park ranger: You mean “peek,” right?
Me: *steals the top of a mountain*
I want my hearse to have ‘JUST DIED’ written on the windshield with cans tied to the rear bumper.
shit, they caught us—run!!!
“how’d your football team football today?”
those footballers footballed quite well…really good footballin’
*Hits rock bottom.
*Receives welcome basket from Twitter.
Somewhere there’s a bat that witnessed their parents murder who now dresses like a human.
This is one heck of a thing to drop on me at 3:30 AM, Google.
I can’t blame this generation too much for doing stupid stuff. My generation thought 7 Police Academy movies were a good idea
It’s not a beard, it’s an animal I’ve trained to sit very still.
Friend: I can’t believe we ever used landlines. Could you imagine your phone always being connected to the wall?
Me, phone always at 4% battery: haha no way
“Awwww, that is so sweet! I think you’re outstanding too!”
me, to the collection agency
Yeah, no, I don’t have a FitBit. I’m pretty sure I have a solid grasp on how inactive I am. I don’t need like bells and alarms and stuff.
Before crowbars crows drank alone
Him: how did your duel with your nemesis go?
Me: *kicks stone* we were approaching each other from a distance and I drew my sword too early and had to hold it out for ages like a doofus
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
I feel melancoll, meloncholl, melancholl, meloncholy, you know what, I’m good.
I’ve noticed you keep tiny pictures of family members in your wallet. Nice, I didn’t know you played. I’m looking to trade my Nana card.
*Middle of dinner*
My kid: Can I have a snack?
You’re telling me I’m paying nyc rent prices just to be on the same tectonic plate as Philly and Boston? I’m feeling sick
Why do they call it alcoholics anonymous if you introduce yourself?
Yoda telling a girl she can join the school marching band
March, April May