Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 01: so they just bake?

ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 10: alice better mind the claggy weather if she’s to produce a biscuit with a proper snap after disappointing paul with an garish proof on her loa

Pat Sajak: I’m Pat Sajak.

Me: Jack.

Pat Sajak: No, my last name is Sajak.

Me: Jack

I made my 4-year-old sit at the table till she finished her lunch

It took her 3 hours

She was so excited to be done

Then I served dinner.

CEOs are in danger, we need to put all of them in a submarine until we know it’s safe

STEPS TO FOLD A FITTED SHEET

1) PUT SHEET ON BED

2) FOLD BED

My daughter put a horse’s head in my bed this morning. It was from an animal cracker but conveyed the message pretty clearly who is boss.

Butterflies have 1,200 eyes. That means they spend 7 months taking out their contacts every night.

WIFE: I can’t take your immaturity. Sign these divorce papers

ME:

WIFE:

ME:

WIFE: Fine! You win. “Simon says” sign these divorce papers

Made a special running playlist that’s nothing but zombie moans & shuffling feet. I’ve lost 20 pounds & can run a 4:30 minute mile.

According to the latest statistics, most accidents with toasters and bathtubs happen at home.

If you think about it, Santa really has the best job, he works one day a year and spends the rest of his time judging people

Question: You know how cocky you need to be to put a billboard up for an establishment that is nearly 600 miles away in the opposite direction?

Answer: You need to be Buc-ees-level cocky.

⛽️ 🦫

other job applicant: good luck
me: im gonna tell the boss you hate his hair
other job applicant: what
me loudly: I actually like his haircut

Small ad: Discreet chicken road-crossing service. No questions asked.

my wife: “we should go to that buffet where you slipped on fettuccine alfredo you spilled while running to the cheese fountain”

me: “you’ll have to be more specific”

I just signed up for a gym membership and sprained my wrist

i haven’t exaggerated in like a million years

Does anyone know where I can hire a pirate ship, a sturdy crew and a young boy who can read haunted treasure maps? The reason? It’s… for a podcast I’m doing.

Life is not a sprint, it’s a Marathon gas station that’s always out of your favorite drink and someone is always in the restroom when you need to go.

I asked my wife suggestions for an exercise routine. She said, “Why don’t you try lunges?”

I said: “That’s a…big step.”

You look like you come from a long line of restraining orders.

horror movie
– but it’s just her throwing on the hallmark channel after handcuffing me to the bedposts

Me: this movie sucks

Boss: for the LAST time, this is a ZOOM. MEETING!

I feel like true love can be proven by whether you would stay with your partner if they suddenly started wearing a beret all the time

I was bored waiting for my doctor in the exam room but I had fun watching him trying to find the tongue depressor jar I hid.

At the grocery store some old lady seemed like she was hitting on me. Turns out we went to school together.

I impose tariffs on my children by taking a bite of each Poptart before I hand it to them, and let me tell you, the markets don’t like it

about to have the best blueberries of my life

The thought of two people colliding mid air while looking at their phones is the main reason I wish that humans could fly.