2020: Tidepods ‘the sequel’
You Might Also Like
one time i slam dunked a basketball so good we were out of school for a week people just needed time to process
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
I attended a workshop yesterday on how to deal with election anxiety and we basically had to make a written plan and most people were like “stay off social media” and I said, “I won’t start fights in the comments”
Seriously guys, you have no idea how much nothing I can accomplish when I’m on Twitter.
Me: when I grow up, I want to be an astronaut
Dad: to find all the undiscovered wonders of the universe?
Me (thinking about the many breeds of space dog I haven’t pet): yes, exactly
Rey: I want to be your Jedi student.
Me: Did you hear what happened to all my other Jedi students?
Rey: No.
Me: Good. Let’s get started.
[playing hide and seek]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS L-
me: [exploding out of closet] BABY DON’T HURT ME
Tiger Woods? Do u mean the jungle?
Doughnuts alone won’t fill the emptiness in your soul…you’ll also need chocolate milk.
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter
Imagine being a fly on the wall in the closed court where Rupert Murdoch is suing his own children. You’d be the most ethical creature in the room.
College was the most expensive video-streaming service in last 2 years
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
Dude, I’d love to go out with you, but this one person 80s dance party in my living room isn’t going to host itself.
In time, the dust settled, and the dust took a job it hated and married someone it could barely tolerate
Barbie didn’t give me a poor body image; Barbie taught me you can’t reattach a head once it’s been removed from the body.
Stop trying to eat garlic bread with your elbow!
…and other things I never said before having kids
Are we not gonna talk about how Edward Scissorhands’ mom had sex with a cutlery drawer?
damn even trashcans have a better love life than i do
one taught me love
one taught me patience
and one taught me pain
it’s called “no YOU were supposed to pay the electric bill”
[samurai kindergarten]
Sensei: CHILDREN! We do not hit each other. What do we do?
Kids: *in unison* We use our swords.
The moment my toddler figured out how to open a door was a lot like the raptor kitchen scene in Jurassic Park.
[applying for a home loan]
Lender: how much is your car payment
Me: uhh
Lender: what’s your salary before taxes
Me: umm
Lender: do you know anything
Me: *smugly* a group of cats is called a clowder
Bring your kids to work day was a huge success. One of the children fixed our server.
There has to be a better way for smoke detectors to say hey, the battery is low. Currently, they strike in the middle of the night like a serial killer, playing a twisted game of which one of the seven in the house needs immediate attention, taunting us with its three chirps.
Current fitness level: my arm gave out while blow drying my hair.
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about two kids who break into an old lady’s house, steal her stuff, and murder her.
I’m saving myself for marriage.
Sorry, FROM. Saving myself FROM marriage.