Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

sometimes i miss this memes

Are you happy to see me, or is that a banana? Are you covered in bananas? Are you, in fact, a banana tree and incapable of happiness no matter what?

What are you hiding in your locked instagram? sandwiches? Sunsets???? let us see your nephew!!!!

[climbs a Tibetan mountain for 6 days & stumbles out of breath into a Buddhist monastery] please. please tell me u have wifi

This might not be true but we have house centipedes so I was looking up how to get rid of them and ppl were like don’t, they’re apex predators so they’ll eat all the other bugs, then the other centipedes and eventually you’ll be left with just one extremely powerful centipede

All conclusions should be drawn in crayon.

The idiot’s diet is just biting your tongue.

Witches’ brews are full of newtrients.

(pretending to be well-read to impress a girl)
War and Peace? Yeah I loved that one
“What was your favorite part?”
I’d have to say the Peace

And when you saw one set of footprints, that must be when you started paying attention cause I got tired and went home a while ago

Me: You can’t honestly expect me to believe this house isn’t haunted; I can see the ghost walls from here.
Realtor: Those are windows.

I got sunburned at the beach and now my husband won’t listen to anything I say because he doesn’t “take advice from tomatoes.”

Björk is my favourite singer-songwriter/IKEA side table.

An adult trying to be mean has never hurt my feelings as much as a child just asking questions.
Yesterday a 5-year-old saw me without my glasses and, horrified, said “is that what you look like in real life??”

I have always wanted to do this 😭😭

I’m at doc’s office & they have 3 designated areas: flu like symptoms, stomach virus symptoms, & kids. I don’t want to catch any of the 3.

Gummy vitamins for dads called Dadgummit.

Oh no Facebook user numbers are down for the first time ever. At this difficult time our thoughts are obviously with Mark Zuckerberg. Those thoughts are:
1. Ha
2. Ha
3. Ha

You learn early in life not to play around in your mom’s purse. Especially things that look like a little can of silly string.

The mace stays in your lungs and eyes for life.

I called my 2yo handsome today and he proceeded to stare at his hands for the next 5 minutes.

I said hi to someone and a bug flew into my mouth. Lesson learned.

Does Rapunzel use the shampoo “Head & Shoulders, knees & Toes.”

I was just reading a list of 100 things you should do before you die.

I am surprised that “Yell for help” is not one of them…

Never figured out why animated movies always showed a witch brewing some boiling hot Mountain Dew in a big cauldron.

coworker relationships are crazy because we don’t hangout or talk outside of work, but i know you tried to poison your husband once

Saw a friend I haven’t seen in over 20 years tonight. She asked if I had any pics of my kids. You don’t realize how many pics of Harry Styles, Louis Tomlinson & dogs you have until someone is hovering over you. The scrolling I had to do to get to pics of my real children. 🤦🏼‍♀️

In case you’re having a bad day…there’s this.

i ain’t victim blaming, but why tf would you tell a wolf where your grandmother lives

Finally had ‘The Talk’ with my kids last night.

Told them some animals eat their young, so they’d better get their shit together before dinner