Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*finally finds comfiest position in bed*

bladder: so you’re not going to believe this

someone tried formatting these windows in a Word doc

Replying to all emails with “ya think?”.

Chickens are proof that God loves us by creating a tasty bird that can barely fly.

So, when we talk about history repeating itself are we talking just fashion trends or can I start prepping for a pet dinosaur ?

I picked up a couple nice slabs of fresh salmon from the local fish market. Lovingly rubbed it with dijon mustard, coarse salt and black pepper. Smoked it low till it reached a beautiful 140°.

Kids: “WE WANT FISH STICKS!”

A crab has one big arm because that’s the one he uses to bring all the groceries in.

[company meeting]

Manager: $5000 in office supplies have gone missing. We are making some changes.

Me: [in paper clip chainmail, sweating]

My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.

Meeeee too!

Me: I took two naps today and was just falling asleep again.

Him: I can think of something to wake you up. *wraggles eyebrows*

Me: Is it food?

One day my daughter will walk into the kitchen when I’m sneak-eating cookies and there will be a reckoning

*Checks typos in the mail before sending*

*Checks again, to be sure*

*Clicks on Send*

*Goes to sent mails*

There’s a typo in the Subject

*gets bitten

*becomes shy shy

We just upgraded our iPhones so now I’ll be able to do the exact same things I did with my old phone but for an extra $23 a month.

6 yo student: It’s hot. Why didn’t you wear shorts today?

Me: Teachers can’t wear shorts to work.

6: Is it because you’d show all your mosquito bites?

If people winked in real life as much as they do on the Internet, the world would be about 542.67% creepier.

HER: can I take a quick peek at your privates?

SERGEANT: *looks into barracks* ok but most of them are asleep

[rolls down car window]

“Sir there’s a baby on your roof!”

Wait, if the baby is there… [sees coffee strapped in car seat]
Oh thank god!

[creating eyelashes]

God: Give them a row of stiff hairs to protect their eyes.

Angel: Alright.

God: But make the hairs occasionally turn traitor and try to destroy the very thing they’re supposed to protect.

Angel: Dude, wtf is wrong with you?

There is a football player named Drew Sample?

He missed his true calling of phlebotomy.

Not wearing glasses anymore. I’ve seen enough

My son just asked me why anyone would want a “house phone” because they don’t even have any games on them. And then I died of old age

what’s something i can do besides get married where i can be the center of attention and everyone cries and tells me how beautiful i am

a bathrobe is being naked with plausible deniability and pockets.

Nerds were always ugly or goofy looking. Then from nowhere emerged the hot girl nerd and the limitations of Nerdom crumpled before our eyes.

Today our 4yo insisted on a large bowl of Golden Grahams, banana, and milk for breakfast, so long story short, my breakfast was 99% of a large bowl of Golden Grahams, bananas and milk

Why does Minnie Mouse wear heels? She is the only female mouse Mickey knows. Pressure’s off, girl. Your boyfriend doesn’t even have a shirt.

It turns out that you can only spray so many people down with Febreze before they fire you as a Wal Mart greeter.