Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: “Go to bed, the cows are already asleep in the field.”
Son: “So what?”
Me: “It’s pasture bedtime.”

My wife has just come home and asked how things went with the baby. Now in mild panic mode as I thought she took the baby along with her

Forget about my body count. The list of women who *haven’t* slept with me is really impressive

Next time I get a pat-down at TSA I’m gonna tear off my ascot, suggestively peel off my reversible belt, and yell, “IS THIS WHAT YOU WANTED, BRIAN? IS IT?”

Excitedly told everyone for Christmas I got the Bog Witch to remove the curse on our family and instead of being happy they’re just like, “what curse?” and “why do you keep angering bog witches??”
Like, who cares? None of our kids will be born with hooves now. Just say thank you.

Me: I’m here for my photoshoot

X-ray technician: Please stop calling it that

My Grandma would be pissed if she found out how many times she’s died so I could get out of having to go somewhere.

I love writing tweets but what I really want to do is direct and produce them

DATE: You hear that an ostrich escaped from the zoo?
ME: [from the kitchen] No
DATE: Oh. What’s for dinner?
ME: A suspiciously large chicken

bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs

I can’t believe someone had the audacity to tell ME *gestures wildly at self* that I’m dramatic

A: OMG what happened?
B: Worst dentist appointment I ever had
A: I mean are you okay?
B: oh sure, it’s not my blood

Always practice yodeling, suddenly, in a packed elevator.

I touched a sticky one dollar bill and now I have to chop my hand off.

I often choose gift bags instead of wrapping, not just out of laziness, but also because I have the fine motor skills of a drunken panda.

Me My dog

“Lets all start wearing weird ’90s mom jeans!” – girls now

I can’t stop watching this.

“Relax, honey. It’s more scared of you than you are of it.”

If I stay in bed too long my sheets eventually detach from the corner of my mattress like my bed is patting me on the back to let me know the hug is over.

A dating app for people who are shy called Mumble

When taking your driving test:

1. Fasten seatbelt.
2. Adjust rear view mirror.
3. Ask examiner if he dropped 20 dollars on the floor, you’re quite sure it isn’t yours.

[ undercover stake out ]

me, adjusting fake mustache: all clear, how bout you

donut wrapped in lettuce: *vegetable noises*

I used to think it would be cool to be able to read other people’s minds.
Then I joined Twitter and got over that real quick.

What I learned: the neighbors’ dog is not the neighbors’ dog

Why it’s important: the number of times I’ve put the dog back in their yard

Just got my results from ancestry dot com and it turns out I’m a quarter manatee.

No. I wasn’t being sarcastic.

I was being a giraffe.

@Book_Krazy @funTweeters 🙂

Reckon the first person to make popcorn by accident probably ran away for a while.