2020: verb. When you screw things up beyond belief.
Example: Chad’s car hit a pole and knocked out power and, well long story short, he 2020’d and now a giant squid is destroying the city.
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Men think us women dream of finding the perfect man when really, all we want is to eat anything without getting fat.
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
There’s safety in numbers.
CDC: Uh, no.
Waiter: Did you save room for dessert?
Me: Not really, I’m stuffed
Waiter: Ok, I’ll bring the check
Me: I’ll have the chocolate cake.
Weatherman discovering his monitor has a touch screen
I wonder if the guy who coined the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
I hope I never have to produce an alibi…cause eating salsa in bed with my cat every night would never hold up in court.
[wakes up & turns to wife]
“I had a nightmare. You died.”
“Aw. It was just a-”
“Let me finish. You died & I had to make my breakfast.”
ORANGUTAN ADOPTS THREE TIGER BABIES
Me: I hope you pee your pants, teach you not to hold it in!
My daughter: You shouldn’t wish for that..you’re the one that does the laundry!
[doing a crossword]
friend: what’s a 9 letter word for phony
me: baby horse
friend: no like fake
me: unicorn jr
Life is like a box of condoms. If you don’t use one, you never know what you’re goin get.
My favorite part of football is when players “look to God.”
Because He’s all, “I can’t do shit for the Middle East but I’m rooting for YOU.”
Only rings I’m interested in are made from onions.
This could have been an email.
— me, while attending a wedding ceremony
me: I won two tix in the car on the way home today!
husband: cool, what for?
me: Speeding and Failure To Maintain A Lane.
If you tell Dad jokes and you’re not actually a Dad, you are a faux pa.
Been married so long it’s almost like a first date. Husband is always wondering if he’s even gonna make it to 1st base.
One time my dad got mad at hulk hogan and yelled “YOURE WASTING SHIRTS” at the TV
*dog comes up to me* “I think he likes me!”
Cop: “We are going to search you for drugs now.”
I bought a new BMI smart scale so that I could have a technologically advanced and detailed reason to cry every morning.
I don’t understand parents who always think their kids are blameless, I always assume mine are guilty and hope to be pleasantly surprised
[invents time machine and goes back to the dinosaurs]
“in a few years its gonna be really cold”
*hands them mixtape*
“you’re gone need this”
China spy balloon:
“We’re trying to contact you about your car’s extended warranty.”
WIFE: you need to stick to your budget
ME: the spatula broke we need a new kitchen
Survival Tip:
If confronted by a dinosaur while hiking, politely but firmly explain that it is extinct.
Options For My Knees Being Shaved:
1. Perfectly shaved smooth with at least one serious cut per knee.
2. No cuts but patches of hair left.
3. Sasquatch.
Reporter: He was strangled by a loved one
My Murderer: Whoa, love is a strong word
Him: “Age is just a number.”
Me: “Technically, age is a word….”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked.