Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A case of yoo-hoos, canned spaghetti and xanax. I’m like a 6 year old with anxiety and a driver’s license.

What is the difference between a girl and a pool table?
You have a shot with a pool table.

[wine and cheese]

HOST: Welcome, can I offer you a glass of wine?

370 RATS IN A TRENCHCOAT: We’ll start with the cheese thanks

Everything is a big deal to kids, like the time a giant bird took my dad from the beach and dropped him way out in the water.

Me: you want to end the date night with some bubbly?
Wife: sure
*I pour vinegar and baking soda into the volcano*
Wife: this is so romantic

I get it, sauce, I also thicken over time.

I put on real clothes today. What more can my boss want from me?

Me: my imposter syndrome is pretty bad. I feel like I don’t deserve to be here, I’m not good enough

Satan: what

Tinder: Meet people within a few miles

Twitter: Meet people within a few thousand miles

Maybe she’s boing with it. Maybe it’s trampoline.

I can usually tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs.

Twitter fine art

Opening a package of cheese within 2 miles of my dog is the plot to A Quiet Place 2

Remember to not aim fireworks at anyone unless it’s that person who keeps microwaving fish at the office

After a week of helping the kids doing online learning we have decided that math is really not a necessarily life skill

Yes, we have some library patrons who are disinclined to receive assistance from a woman for twisted reasons, but don’t worry, they’re counterbalanced by the patrons who prefer to receive assistance from a woman for twisted reasons.

my future husband is probably fake laughing at his girlfriends Iame jokes rn. be patient king, a true clown is on the way.

[petting friend’s new guidedog]
so how did you get here?
“he brought me”
wow
[later in bed w/ wife]
did you know dave’s dog can drive a car?

My Favorite Chops:

1. Karate
2. Judo
3. Pork

team rocket: that boy’s pikachu is special

meowth: hey

team rocket: we need it

meowth: im literally the only pokemon who can talk

team rocket: that pikachu is so unique no other pokemon will do

Meowth: guys

team rocket: only that pikachu is deserving of love

*hands out free hug coupons in the mosh pit*

My son: Did you hear about the guy who got injured playing peek-a-boo?

Me: No

Son: he’s in the ICU

I’ve noticed that my parents talk about ‘the good old days’, they always seem to stop at 1979. Which is great, because that’s also the year I was born,wait… What?

me (checkin out at grocery store with 2 rotisserie chickens): hold up *i grab my phone although it didn’t ring* sure i’ll get 1 more chicken

oh nowwww everyone wanna know what introverts do for fun

It would be easier if they just reported which parts of the globe aren’t on fire and don’t have hurricanes.

“Honey, the baby sure is fussy. Why don’t we go see a movie after we goto a nice, quiet restaurant?”

We currently live in a house with one bathroom.

Therapist: That’s not what I meant by why do you cry at night.

Sorry for the way I acted at your dad‘s funeral. I just thought it was a little rude that he was wearing the same outfit as me.

I don’t know, but there is something strange in this decoration!😂