Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

if you have never had a true email job, you might think – “it’s an email job, surely that means everyone at least checks their email and replies somewhat promptly when needed” but you would be stunned, stunned I say, to find the truth

i love dating profiles that are like..

Tooth 32
4 Miles Away

About me:
my name isn’t tooth, i don’t know how to change it

*finishes reading a long, magical tale about the trials and tribulations of a young family coming to america and settling in the new west*

Me: *wiping a tear* oh heck this recipe is for sugar cookies not chocolate chip

every time you say the word “turnt” a baby gets run over by a smart car

Itching, flaky skin? Burning sensation while urinating? You’re probably on fire!

Just going to bring my sleeping bag and camp out in the candy aisle at Dollar Tree. Wait. That sounds insane. Like I own a sleeping bag. I’ll just bring my blanket.

DOCTOR: I think you have a curvature of the upper spine
QUASIMODO: That a diagnosis?
D: We need an X-ray to confirm. Right now it’s a hunch

You come into my house on this, the day of my dark chocolate soy milk’s expiration?

I don’t drive a flashy car, but the cop behind me does.

Just heard a person at the thrift store ask for something in a different size…

Really? Still no Kate? Has anyone even tried yelling Marco?

9: I don’t get why that words with friends game mom plays is fun

13: it’s only fun because she’s old

The Airbnb reviews never tell you how comfortable the toilets are for falling asleep on

*Shakespeare resetting his password*

“Enter new password.”

Fortnight

“Your password is two weeks.”

If two people on opposite sides of the world drop a piece of bread on the ground at the same time the Earth briefly becomes a sandwich

[first day as a cop]

me: i found the body

other officer: any id?

me: *pulls out badge* yeah dude, it’s me, your partner

“Veggies?” The subway sandwich artist looks at me smugly. He knows I only want meat & cheese. He knows I fear the judgement of the line behind me. His hand hovers over the pale, wet lettuce. A bead of sweat drips down my forehead. The air between us crackles

one time when i was like 20 one of my best friends said he liked his name because of how unique it was. his name is jason

Doctor: Your children are very healthy

Me: Good

Doctor: They’re getting bigger and stronger

Me: I know

Doctor: And they’re going to get even bigger and even stronger

Me: *trembling* I know

detective: dammit *slams fist on table* tell me where he is

me: [confidently] the Fourth of July picnic

detective: but where exactly?

me: *holding where’s waldo book* oh i’m gonna need more time

I don’t know where this squirrel’s husband is but he’s in deep shit

Last night my wife got pissed because I kicked the ice cubes I dropped under the refrigerator. But now it’s just water under the fridge.

Me: *reading headline* Man Plunges to his Death

Also me: that could be the result of a terrible accident or overzealous plumbing

this guy with binoculars has been watching me watch him with binoculars and i don’t know who’s winning

Me: I’m so over him
Vodka: No you’re not, you should text him
Me: Really?
Vodka: Yes! 25 times

[1hr before date]

Me: (to waiter) So when I order the extra spicy chicken you say ‘brave choice sir’ and then bring the Lemon Herb chicken

ME: hey buddy you should wear a mask

CLARK KENT: but the glasses have been working fine

Oh panic attacks,I thought you said pancake attacks because I have those all the time.

Still laughing at this stupid meme