2020 was the worst escape room I’ve ever done.
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I caught a cute guy salivating and giving me sexy eyes at the restaurant today and I was growling and giving him kissy faces but it turns out he was eyeing the waitress behind me who was bringing out his food and so to save face I dropped to the floor and faked a seizure.
I made $12 in the cryptocurrency market. Learn how I did it in my new book, “How I made $12 in cryptocurrency market”.
I have $12 in winning lottery tickets in my purse, I might just up and quit my job, today
screaming into balloons for an extra surprise when the kids pop them
“Only real heroes run towards danger” I think to myself while hiding from my whining children.
My wife asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I winked at her.
She bought me eye drops.
I had a wonderful conversation sitting up front with a taxi driver. A great guy. Even let me try out my poor Mandarin on him. Then he said, “You look great. Really. Wonderful. Are you over 90?”
“I’m 83.”
“Really? You’re only 83?”
“Just drop me here. “
I’m married, but not “pass up the opportunity to sleep with Thor” married. Or Wolverine. Or Captain America. Or Jennifer Aniston…
to those of you shopping this week: please be polite and patient with shop assistants, it’s a stressful and busy time for them too 🙂
to those of you worshiping Satan this week: see you at the gathering in the woods, bring teeth 🙂
I delete my mistakes so now my kids live in constant fear.
i want enemies
I don’t care what bathroom you identify with. If you look under the stall you’re going to need a dentist.
You get: 1 hour of extra sleep
You lose: the will to live after the sunsets at 4pm
*spills wine on Ouija board*
OUIJA: *moving pointer by itself* H-E-Y S-S-E-X-Y D-Y-O-O-U-W-W-A-N-N-A M-A-K-E O-U-T
ME: *moves pointer to NO*
her: i like a guy that can last long 😉
me, a piece of flavored gum: shit
Lady you have taken “hot mess” to a whole new level, you’re more a scorching havoc really
Rejected titles for “The Queen’s Gambit” (2020):
– Knights, Knights Baby
– Pawn Hub
– Mate Expectations
– Checks Mix
– Stop Staring at My Chess!
i need a six-month vacation twice a year
Body: Damn it was a long day. Let’s go to sleep.
Bladder: Even I’m done for the day.
Eyes: Ok I’m closing shop.
Brain: How do nudists clean their glasses?
If a cop pulls you over and walks up holding a notepad, don’t order breakfast. Apparently it’s not amusing, I’ve already tried it.
*nervous sweating* I’m going to go to the bathroom, did you want anything?
(Me tryna flirt)
*Uses 3 gallons of water to rinse out yogurt container so it can go into recycling bin
And to think on this day, one year ago, you were about to learn how precious toilet paper really is
My kid’s wish list at age 6: An adorably misspelled handwritten request for toys
My kid’s wish list at age 14: A professionally designed slideshow with links to big-ticket items that ends with the phrase “open your hearts and your wallets”
It costs $0.00 to be petty and I love free shit.
Was just in an elevator with my ex, so I stopped at every floor to show him he was wrong on so many levels.
The 5 Love Languages
Physical Touch: my loneliness is killing me
Words of Affirmation: I must confess I still believe
Quality Time: When I’m not with you I lose my mind
Gift Giving: give me a sign
Acts of Service: hit me baby one more time
My husband took a few m&ms, then left the open packet and walked away. I waited a full 24 seconds but he didn’t come back so I legally finished the rest of the packet
Me: So after this Imma call you my stentist.
Cardiologist: Ok so no surgery for you.