Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The thumbs up emoji is a nice way to tell someone not only did you receive their message, you’re also done with the conversation.

Officer: Did u know your back light is out

Me: I don’t know if you noticed… I’m inside the car. You had a bit of an advantage

Yesterday my son told me I was the funniest person he knows which was so sweet. Then he asked for twenty dollars.

5yo: I made this for you.

Me: How nice! Um…what is it?

5yo: I was hoping you’d know.

After sex, I take the condom off and make a balloon animal for the lady.

But if I go out, who is going to stick their finger in the cat’s mouth and ruin his yawns?

How’d you get those bruises?

*remembers tripping over a stuffed animal and destroying my blanket fort*

Karate.

BUNNIES: I love hopping!
SNAKE WITH BUNNY EARS ON A POGO STICK: Haha yes, but shouldn’t we get home and check on our delicious babies?

Today I cleared cache and deleted cookies without making nom nom nom cookie monster noises. Because I’m a grown up.

Jk. SNACK TIME! NOM NOM NOM

Someone on the radio said Britain will remain calm about the Coronavirus.
People phoned the police when KFC ran out of chicken

Saw lady reading my book & was gonna say hi but I’m wearing the same shirt as in author photo & didn’t want her to think I only had 1 shirt.

$20 to go through a corn maze? That’s $20 more than I expect to pay for a walk through vegetables.

Obi-wan: These aren’t the droids

Stormtrooper: They look like them

Obi: So all droids look the same to you?

Trooper: No, I-

Obi: Racist

My 5/o just said “That’s Classic!!” WTF is classic to a 5 y/o? Blues Clues??

When someone tells me they’re sick I try to make them feel better with a story about my own sickness that was much worse and many years ago.

My👏spacebar👏is👏broken👏so👏I’m👏using👏the👏clapping👏emoji👏instead👏I’m👏not👏trying👏to👏make👏a👏point

Who said chivalry is dead, I open the door at least a hundred times a day for my cat and dogs.

The Wizard of Oz: A teenage runaway gets caught in a storm, commits manslaughter, & crosses state lines to see a man more than 3x her age.

[pet shop]
ME: I’m looking for a dog that can talk
OWNER: Try this one
ME: [to dog] Can you talk?
DOG: No
ME: My search continues

Tell me again how I unloaded the dishwasher too loudly when you were watching golf. Detectives will want to know exactly how this went down.

Not with that attitude

Men are really out here thinking that a hike is a good first date. Sir that’s a last date. That’s how people get murdered.

I could be happily married to some dude for 50 year an id still be textin ma pals like “omg do u think he likes me???”

i have one of these at work and when i get bored i plug it into the outlets

Just learned an important lesson: When texting “wish you were here,” that last e kind of makes it or breaks it.

Whoever named the axolotl was awesome and probably high af

As a child I was worried I may have a thing for lions when watching Nala’s ‘come to bed’ eyes in lion king. Never pursued this thankfully.

I wish I was as committed to anything the way infomercial actors are committed to over dramatizing their reaction to household chores.

She didn’t believe I was single so I showed her my bathroom with the Metallica poster

Procedure for being unthanked for door holding:
1. Keep eyes fixed on culprit
2. Say you’re welcome
3. Shake head
4. Mutter “unbelievable”