2020: Your package is on the way. It will arrive between Monday and Thursday of 2021.
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Ironing boards are just surf boards that stopped pursuing their dreams and got a real job instead.
Him: I can’t sleep
Me: try counting sheep
Him: did it ever occur to you that the fact that you filled our bedroom with 27 sheep is the reason why I can’t sleep?
Me: aww you HAVE counted them *claps hands*
Handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
Indiana Jones And The Two Dudes Who Lost Their Cars.
My ancestry DNA results came back: 100% German pancake batter
*cop pulls me over*
“blow into this please sir”
“whyy dont you blow on THIS officer!?”
*i hand him a flute & he plays it beautifully*
“Paper or pl..”
..astic! OMG we finish each other’s sentences! You complete mmmm…
“I’m not saying ‘me'”
ME! OMG we did it again!
“…”
*cutting the sleeves off a snuggie and calling it a thuggie*
To tree roots that look remarkably like snakes:
You’re not funny.
Relax, folks. The dentist apologized for killing #CecilTheLion after he found out Cecil was famous. He meant to murder a NON-famous lion.
When I was 5 my life ambition was to ride on a parade float. That happened when I was 6.
I didn’t really plan past that, and still haven’t.
I’ve never wanted to be a sci-fi actress but I do think I’d make a terrific “blonde in black glasses suddenly looks up from her computer with a WAIT…POSSIBLE GIANT MUTANT INSECT INVASION SOUNDS BAD expression”
Mother in law: why do you grow so much sage? You don’t even cook with it.
Me: I burn it when you leave.
“If you’re pregnant you can’t get pregnant, the same goes for getting arrested, can you lick this?”
I ask, trying to roll a joint in cuffs.
Date: “so, tell me a bit about yourself”
Me: “NICE TRY, FEDS”
Make bowling your first date. If he rents small shoes and jams his fingers in the wrong holes don’t bother with a second.
Caution: Cutting corners may lead to extra corners.
I can’t explain it with science, but the older I get the softer I want my clothes to be.
When people start praying before a meal, I close my eyes and imagine how far I could throw a potato if I really put my heart into it.
[on payphone] Hello New York Times? In every box of tissues there’s a tiny man who feeds the next tissue through the openi— [CIA agents tackle me]
interviewer: how’s your handwriting?
me: oh not bad
interviewer: what about the other letters?
my brain: eat
me: okay, what should we make
my brain: no make, only eat
Back in 2012 my wife & I were the victims of a horrific & terrifying home invasion that left us mentally scarred & unable to sleep. But our daughter’s 5 now & we’ve actually grown quite fond of her.
Having no tattoos in 2014, is like having tattoos in 1967.
If it’s the thought that counts, I’m a serial killer
I unironically love this joke.
Them: No pets allowed!
My cat: Guess you are gonna just have to wait outside for me…
hey there delilah, oh shit no i meant vicky
babe i promise you’re the only one
no this is not a hickey
♪it’s just a bruuuise ♪
You would think that after 8 years of yelling at her dog, my neighbour would have learned that the dog doesn’t understand English. Try Spanish, you imbecile.
ANGEL: so the humans turned out… okay
GOD: my greatest creation
ANGEL: truly your best work
GOD: imma drown em
ANGEL: oh thank god