Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Batman: I’m afraid of bats

Superman: I’m afraid of soup

the reason wordle only does one word per day is so you can spend the rest of your day talking about wordle

#SometimesForFun I update signs at work

-That toaster oven looks worn out. Why are you still using it?

-Sentimental attachment.

-It just caught fire.

-Aww, just like old times.

Monsters, Inc. 3:

It’s harder to make kids laugh

The Internet has made them jaded

The monster need help

They teach the kids to smoke pot

in scotland, it’s illegal to be drunk and in possession of a cow. i just want to know how many times this happened before the government had to put their foot down

“I’d hit that if I was drunk.” – Me, driving by a mailbox just now.

ROOMBA: I pick up anything

ME: [throwing it my car keys] Great, my kids are done with school at 3:30

ROOMBA: No wait-

[45 minutes later]

ROOMBA: You learn anything new today?

I wonder what happens if you put on Axe body spray and Old Spice deodor-

ＰＯＯＦ！[ponytail appears]

I’m sure it’s fine.

I usually stumble upon her safe words by accident, like when I say ‘moist’ or ‘I paid full price for everything at Whole Foods’

“Wait, let me explain..”

Reduce stage fright with a little vodka before the show.

Bring enough vodka for everyone, and you won’t even have to perform.

Rage-folding a planking baby who is refusing to get into their car seat is the original CrossFit

All parents have a favourite child

Good parents pretend they don’t

Great parents at least make it one of their own

I just took a shower…

You have no idea how hard it was to sneak that thing out of Home Depot.

My 4yo brought his Woody doll to the store and was swinging it around. I told him loudly to stop hitting people with his Woody. Parenting.

me: *just doesnt know when to quit* see you tomorrow

boss: *just doesnt know when to fire me* yep

Look, I don’t know how to spell reniassance so you’re getting whichever one I manage to type.

WITCH (using her broom for just sweeping): did we give up our dreams?
WIZARD (using his pointy hat as a piping bag for cupcake icing): yes

It’s amazing how many people can hit pine trees and drive with them still hanging on their car roofs. Like nothing happened.

landlord: your income needs to be 3x rent

me: can you tell my boss that

Don’t mess with me; I’ll throw a semicolon in just to discombobulate you.

Work in IT. Spend most days in server room doing “urgent security patches”. I have a gaming pc in there disguised as a server and I just play games all day. Have done this since 2017. I get praise from my boss for being so hot on security issues. On 50k a year + getting bonuses.

Do yourself a favour: get a dog. Before I got a dog I was ridiculed for walking around with a bag of shit

Me: My eyes are up here

Picasso: I disagree

I’ve been shelling pistachios for 3 hours now, I have 9.

Sorry for the delay in texting you back. My internet is slow and it takes a week to arrive at your location

*unfurls blueprint*
Ok here’s how I’m gonna make tonight about me.