2021 is the perfect year to test out my new response to any awkward family Thanksgiving topics: “I don’t wanna talk about ______, I wanna talk about Taylor Swift..”
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When I say I’m Christmas shopping the “for myself” is silent
July is so long that it feels like August is avoiding us
I wish I had the exciting social life my mom must have envisioned when she used to stitch my name into my underwear.
when u come home smelling like another dog
Me: It makes me so happy that after all of these years I still take your breath away.
Wife: Just hand me my inhaler.
My father in law drank four cartons of milk in less than six days, so I’ve decided we’ll need to ditch him pretty early on in the apocalypse.
Boss: “Do you know why I called you in here?”
Me: “To see if I can read minds?”
me: what did you have for snack at preschool today?
4yo: well it was a munching thing and it looked like a square taco but it wasn’t a chocolate cookie
me:
Actor Eddie Murphy nailed America’s cultural bias nearly 30 years ago.
Oddly, Tripoli doesn’t have a single E.
“I wasn’t born yesterday” – Lying newborn baby
Horse: *tapping the hood* it’s got 400 manpower
[i get home to find a note on the refrigerator that says “i’m leaving and i’m taking the kids”]
ME: *unplugs fridge from power outlet* you’re not going anywhere you piece of shit
my dog when its nice out: *jumps in pond, rolls in dirt, eats goose poo*
when raining: MADAM how DARE u take me into these AWFUL conditions
Me: I hate working from home.
Also me: I hate working from work.
I bought Oreos for my kid’s camp and I have to drive home with them next to me and not eat them. I may not have thought this through completely
people in the Bronze Age actually lived far more luxurious lives than our own. Archaeological evidence indicates that they had vases with octopuses on them. do you have that? didnt think so
ME: “I don’t want to talk about it it’s too long of a story I’m exhausted and I’m over it”
ALSO ME ONE HOUR LATER: “Oh that’s not even the craziest part listen to this shit”
<reads 15 positive reviews of a product> I’m totally getting this.
<then reads 1 negative review> Forget it, it’s obvious crap.
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
once, at a girl scout event in the early 90s, my mom asked a girl what she wanted to be when she grew up & the girl responded “either a chef or a spy, so either way, i’m going to the CIA,” and it’s been 30 years and that’s still one of the best jokes i’ve ever heard in my life.
my sister is about to have a baby and my brother showed up to the hospital in a suit because “first impressions matter”
An excerpt from my self help book, “How to Get Rich Quick”
Chapter 1: Write a self help book about how to get rich quick
The End
Cars come with warnings to check the back seat for babies now.
I always do and frankly, I’ll be lowkey terrified if I ever find one.
I do not want “thoughts and prayers.” I want “chips and salsa.”
– Boss, we’re out of hands. Should we give the penguins wings?
– We’re short on wings too. Give them this.
– But that’s neither wings nor hands.
– Not our problem.
What do you mean that “you can’t monetize laziness and procrastination?”
nothing makes me happier than searching “colon” on twitter and seeing all the people who have misspelled cologne…
I asked the waitress for a quickie and she slapped me. The old woman next to me said, “It’s pronounced ‘quiche’, dear.”