Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Most people don’t know this, but the North only won the Civil War because the South got half an inch of snow and they lost their damn minds.

This might be the most effective pickup strategy I’ve ever seen

One thing you learn how to quickly do as a parent is to pretend to not have any money when you walk by vending machines.

Cop: know why I pulled you over?

“Hopefully to arrest me.”

Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle.

He held up my pants and said “Are you sure these are yours? They look small. You can fit in these??”

Judge: Not guilty. You’re free to go.

Gift-Wrapping Club for Men Rules:

1) There is no such thing as too much tape
2) Forget everything you know about right angles
3) Gaps can be filled in with a different kind of paper or sticky notes
4) It’s okay to swear at scissors

I saw an ad for a tree removal service with the line “We’ll come to you!” Great idea! So much more convenient than dragging my yard across town.

Inside you there are two Durans. Both are hungry like the wolf.

Him: I eat healthily

Me who has just learned the word ditto and can’t wait to use it: say something else

Me: i’ll have a Dr.Pepper

Waiter: is Mr.Pibb ok?

Me: is he a doctor?

I’m not saying it’s been a while, I’m just saying I completely blanked on the name of my gym

[On a date and we pull into the restaurant parking lot]
“I’ll just wait in the car.”

I was raised Catholic. I know all the rules. And I broke most of them. 😈

[funeral]
ME: I never know what to say at these things.
WIDOW: sorry for your loss.
ME: it’s ok, I’m sure I’ll think of something.

Whether it’s oversharing with cashiers, feeding stray animals or making paper dolls with celebrity faces we all have our way of coping with loneliness. The important thing is not to get carried away and start a podcast

In 2016 I stayed at a hotel that offered “all-day room service starting at 5 p.m.”

my 8yo’s friend came over wearing a Guns-n-Roses t-shirt

me: cool shirt, one of my favorite bands when I was younger

him: yeah it’s my grandma’s favorite band

The point of your 20s

I don’t get upset when autocorrect screws me because it’s the most action I’ve seen in years.

If you’ve never baked pot brownies in an Easy Bake Oven… then you’ve never wrote an apology letter to your sister with an Etch A Sketch.

WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look

A recipe for laughter

Cop: raise your hands
Me: ok, but if you looked down you’d see the same thing
C: ma’am?
M: they’re right there
C: how high are you?
M: yes

“I’m not letting you outside again,” I say to my dog right before I let her outside again.

Oh my god y’all. I watched a woman attempt to go through airport security with ten fully inflated helium birthday balloons. She kept shoving them into the conveyor belt to the scanner but they just kept popping back out like a cartoon. Yes this happened in florida.

I’m tired of commercials trying to be funny. Scare me into buying something. I want to be terrified of buying the wrong toothpaste.

Dating app: If you were a bird, what kind of bird would you be?

Me: I’d be a subway pigeon or one of those crows that eats mostly garbage

Not tryin’ to brag, but my sex life is like a dormant volcano. It was fiery, but now it’s inactive. Also, I killed a bunch of villagers.

In my defense,
I was left unsupervised.

*feels comfortable*

comfortable: *slaps hand away*