Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why is everything so sticky?

-parenthood

find these 10 emoji for no good reason

[having sex]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: I’ve been wearing the same underwear for weeks
HER: no, I mean-
ME: I drink my own bath water

People always talk about having backup Singers and I’m like, why would I need two sewing machines?

PICASSO: She had one eye on her forehead, and her nose was on the side of her face

COP: Maybe someone else should describe the suspect

Being a mom means being the first one up in the morning, the last one to bed at night, and the only one drinking during church.

If there’s a movie about Elon, I want him to be played by Kathy Bates.

Caterpillar: no legs wtf how do I get around?

God: *wearing bird mask* BOO

Caterpillar: o000ö

God: haha jk it’s just me

Caterpillar: oOOOö

God: SEE YOU’RE DOING IT

TEEN 1: Church is so boring.
TEEN 2: It’s so out of touch.
THE YOUNG POPE approaches pulpit: “Some…BODY once told me–”
TEENS: HOLY SHIT

My daddy always said, life is like a tray of nachos, a big hot mess held together by cheese

Me: Please?
Daycare worker: No.
Me:
DW:
Me:
DW: For the last time, you’re not allowed to come in to just look at the babies.
Me: DAYCARES ARE BABY ZOOS!

I’m so sorry for your loss. Your husband is in a better place now.
“B-but he left me for a-”
-A richer woman? I know. Her house is gorgeous!

Don’t you find it weird when you go to high five someone and they interlock their fingers with yours and hold it together for a few seconds?

I know you do. That’s why I do it.

My 6-year-old walked into the room and said, “Don’t worry, Dad. I’m OK.”

Time to search the house for whatever she destroyed.

Spent most of my day helping customers find things at Home Depot…I don’t even work there.

Parents who have allowed your
8 yr olds to become spoiled brats …

We’ll check back in 10 years to see
how that worked out for you.

My toddler just called the cheese he’s eating “medicine for my belly”.

Even kids understand the healing powers of cheese.

If I could be in two places at once, I’d be in bed twice.

No. He’s not coming out to play

The problem with family is that you can inherit a disorder that runs in the family from relatives you barely knew, but the money never

me: let’s go to bed earlier like responsible adults
brain: great idea

[10pm]

me: so do we just like lay here or what
brain: i have no idea

[commenting under wife’s facebook status where she thanks everyone for coming to our son’s bday party] do we have any mustard?

Son: but I don’t like when the house pees on me

Me: OMG JUST GET IN THE SHOWER

Paul is coming over tonight

Paul smith or Paul who puts ketchup on everything?

[car pulls into driveway covered in ketchup]

You don’t need to explain yourself if you carry a chainsaw.

Nigella has gone too far this time.

A black shape emerges from your attic; all you can see are claws. You’ve made $4000 in 30 minutes working from home, but at what cost?

you telling me a banana nut in this bread

Wife: *banging on bedroom door* I know about you and the murder

Me: oh shit

Crows: *in bed with me* finally we can be together

Me: We’re only here for a short while, so we should love one another and hold each other as much as possible.

Guy in back of elevator: Can you just press 19?