Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

These guys came to me one by one, and now we solve mysteries on the south side of Huddersfield.

Customer Service: Are you ready for your confirmation number?

Me: Yup. *pretends to write it down*

CS: 683648AC4712.

Me: mmm hmm… Ok, got it!

CS: You want to repeat it back
to me?

Me: No thanks *click*

You never realize how many people you just don’t like until you try to name a baby

dry skin? flaky scalp?
discoloration? scaling?
tongue bifurcating all by itself?
hissing? legs fusing together?
recently evicted a gypsy?

When my kids are grown, I’m coming over to their house and taking their forks and then scattering them around town.

Can’t trust anyone that refuses to admit
They are wrong.

Sidenote: I do have a place to hide their bodies.

At my last colonoscopy I had the doctor write a note to my wife stating that my head was NOT up there…

Of course, golfing is a dignified sport..
except for that time I got a cart stuck between two trees.

I like getting new furniture because it’s important for children to have a variety of clean surfaces to color on

On average, my tweets demonstrate I’m probably good at something else

“Dress for the job you want!”

*dresses up as celebrity-slapper*

Get out of shaking hands with people by telling them you were touching a dead bird you found outside.

During the course of some 36 films, did it ever occur to anyone that maybe Godzilla deserves a “good boy” once in a while?

[Friend] Kyle, u have to stop referring to your Ballet Club as a “gang”
[Me & my gang all do 2 pirouettes and stop in unison] “Not a chance”

4 months ago,I started a poultry business with 4 chicken🐣 ,And I’m here to tell you that I successfully ate all of them😂😂

Pig Latin is the most delicious of the dead languages

[Runs into old school friend]
Him: hey you’re that guy who held weird grudges

Me: And how is my eraser?

crazy

[heaven’s IT department]

Ok, I see why your computer’s crashing. Have you been closing doors again?

God: Yes, why?

Too many open windows

As someone who got the J&J shot last week, so far my only side effect has been the ability to control geese with my mind

Imagine having a cool ass name like Theodore, and then people just call you Ted.

Friends that check up on you >

I’m at my most walk of shame when I’m wearing sweatpants heading back to the buffet for the third time.

You can’t stop your dogs from barking by yelling at them. They’re just like hell yes we’re all yelling now let’s all keep yelling this is great

[speed dating]

Her: Nice to meet you

Me [on meth]:
I HAVE MISUNDERSTOOD THE SITUATION

When I saw “likes music” on her dating profile, I almost fell out of my chair. Because I also like music. Holy shit she likes good food too!

The camera adds 10 pounds. The front facing iPhone camera adds 437 pounds.

Wife: play your cards right and you’re getting lucky tonight

Narrator: He did not play his cards right

[Sci fi movie]
How did you travel such a distance so fast?
“I went through a wormhole.”

Worms in the audience: Omg this is so unrealistic.

A toddler made fun of me today, and I got weirdly upset for a guy who can have a cookie literally whenever he wants.