Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s easy to blind someone with science. All you need is a good throwing arm, the proper wind direction, and a little sulfuric acid.

“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Humidity, to Heat

the passive aggression of Snapchat asking “do you want to abandon your snapsterpiece?” and forcing you to click “abandon” like sorry I’m not carrying this picture of my bagel to term, I had a moment of clarity and remembered literally no one needs to see this

the vatican should not be allowed to name any new saints until God sorts out my numerous issues with the citibank web portal

Kids, because why would you want to sleep on more than 6 inches of your king size bed?

Me: *checking into maternity ward*
Hey, so remember that time when you took the baby so I could sleep?

Nurse: Ma’am, this child is seven.

me: [kicking leaves in the park]

wife: how are you getting your leg so high

“This race is over,” said Donald Trump, referring to the entire human race if he is elected president.

If you judge how good or bad someone is at breathing are you aspi-rating?

I must have more than ten fingers because I broke like 17 nails today

Square dancing in elementary school really had me expecting more hoedowns as an adult

Extra virgin olive oil is just olive oil who got dating advice from me.

When I was having an affair with twins, people used to ask how I told them apart. Well, Sue had brown eyes and Steve had a moustache.

when the doctor brings med students into your exam

Do you remember when the most annoying thing on the Internet was a dancing baby?

Yeah, good times

I load the dishwasher with delicious and reckless abandon, laughing aloud as I do: HAHAHA, MOTHER, how do you like me now!
8: Grandma’s car just pulled in.
Me: OMG please help me fix this

Ladies, if a guy tells you “Leggings aren’t pants,” tell him “You’re welcome.”

[alternative timeline]

Art teacher: you’re expelled from art school

Hitler: [clenches fists]

Subway manager: [taps him on shoulder] what if I told you you can still be an artist

Fair warning. If you schedule your child’s birthday party before 11am, they will receive a book about where babies come from.

I brought a load of laundry into the living room to fold, and my husband said, “You do this every day. I’m onto you. You just want to take a break.” So, anyway, in lieu of flowers please make a donation to the charity of your choice.

My friend uses ‘supossebly’ and I never correct her. I like her irregardless.

Everyone loves their weighted blankets and talks about loving feeling all wrapped up but as soon as I mention wearing socks to bed everyone’s like noo I don’t want to feel constricted my feet must be freee

Friend dropping me off at the airport: ok fly safe

Me who is not piloting the plane: ok I will

Parenting is just putting throw pillows back on the couch every ten minutes until you die.

i absolutely refuse to drink any tap water till it’s gone though my brita filter that i haven’t changed in 5 years

Me (a pediatrician): *hands your baby a disassembled carburetor* Let’s test his motor skills

SCIENTISTS: there are only 90 seconds remaining on the doomsday clock

ME: [73 seconds still remaining on my microwave hotdog] c’mon… c’monnn

9: The remote isn’t working
me: Did you smack it?
9: Yep
me: Did you push the button down really hard?
9: Yep
me: Well I’m out of ideas

*Tries to warm up car*

Car: I have a boyfriend

My kid is running around the house with an open umbrella draped across his shoulders and got mad because I couldn’t guess he was a *checks notes* vampire blaster mechagodzilla.