[2021]
One smoker left in the world. The Quit Smoking ads get personal.
HEY KEVIN, STOP SMOKING. YOU STINK. YOUR WIFE SAYS YOU NEED VIAGRA.
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A show I auditioned for premieres tonight so we should be filming my scenes any minute now.
The best way to express your disagreement is by slapping people with a fish.
Tonight’s to-do list:
-honk
-shoo
-honk
-mimimimimi
[presidents 2km race – finish line]
OBAMA (checks stopwatch): just under 10 mins, did I beat the record?
CLINTON: no, Bush did 9:11
just wait til i figure out what algorithm means
Remember when you first started driving and everything was scary. Now you’re going 80, putting salsa on your taco, driving with your knees.
WHAT IF LIBRARIES HAD POSTED MEMES IN THE EIGHTIES: a thread
I told my daughter we might be getting a blizzard and she asked for one with Reese’s pieces
“Jingle-horse” sounds like an insult made by someone who wasn’t very good at crafting insults
Killers in crime shows think they can cover up strangling people but the coronor is always inevitably like “his neck was snapped in a way that was inconsistent with a heart attack”
I want to go back in time and find pre-kid me who thinks she is “so busy” and “so tired.” And I want to smack her.
Turkey: *mumbles*
President: Pardon?
Turkey: Thanks, so long sucker
[funeral home]
DIRECTOR: Your uncle got hit by a bus?
ME: Yeah.
DIRECTOR: Do you want a quote on the headstone?
ME: Like what?
DIRECTOR: Well, did he have any last words?
ME: Yes.
Customer: did you know that when octopuses get mad they throw things at one another?
Me, slowly suspecting my ex might have been an octopus: you don’t say…
My Mormon neighbor said it was rude I assumed her husband’s surprise birthday party invitation was also an invitation to be her sister wife.
I hate when I’m in a room with 3 other people, & I have to shove the entire kit kat in my mouth.
her: take off my bra
me: ok
her: take off my panties
me: wow ok
her: stop wearing my clothes
[Couples’ Counselling]
Her: If he doesn’t stop talking in corporate cliches I’m leaving him
Me (in tears): Please don’t downsize our unit!
There are eleven types of people in the world: those that understand Roman numerals, and those that don’t
HR asked me to justify my position but I really couldn’t explain why I was just standing there.
I like my women like I like my coffee, passed through the digestive system of a cat
A baby was born laughing really hard with it’s fists closed! The confused Doctor unfolded it’s tiny fingers, & found a birth control pill.
The five stages of camping:
1- Denial: “No, we’re not going”
2- Anger: “I hate camping!”
3- Bargaining: “If we stay home I’ll cook waffles”
4- Depression: “Fine. Whatever”
5- Acceptance: “This isn’t so bad. I don’t know why you were complaining”
For the record ladies, your insecurities about your bodies is a bigger turn off to guys than your bodies ever could be.
My new erotic novel “Love in the time of autocorrect” will be out soon. Here is a sample
I think airplanes would be way cooler if the wings flapped like a bird
[First date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Date: “I’m a librarian.”
Me: “Oh, my bad.”
*Whispers for the entire rest of the date*
[arriving in hell]
him: so what did you do?
me: *wearing a v neck t-shirt under a v neck pullover* no idea
tim apple: use iphone 14 satellite calling when you get stranded in the wilderness
me who hasn’t left my house in 2 years: I must have this
I just ate some leftover mashed potatoes out of my hair, and I don’t even remember having mashed potatoes