Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: This little kid sitting next to me in a restaurant wouldn’t stop screaming so I decided to scream back and wow I totally get why kids scream it’s so freeing and so much better than actually verbalizing your emotions

Therapist: I think you’re regressing

Me: *screams* am i?

Me (getting choked): who called it getting new tires
Guy (who is choking me): how are you breathing
Me (dying): and not a retirement plan

excuse me why are *people* accepting medals for the equestrian events this is some bs

Smooth Criminal: I use a razor
Smoother Criminal: I get laser treatments
Smoothest Criminal: *it’s just an Asian guy laughing at them both*

*Buys map of world, pins it up on wall*
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Visits the middle of the Atlantic Ocean*

5yo: Does everyone in the world have kids?
Me: No, some people decide they don’t want to have them.
5: I don’t want kids.
Me: Why not?
5: They’re a lot of work.
Me: Then why don’t you be less difficult for me?
5: Well, you decided to have kids.

Elliott didn’t care about E.T. He just wanted a flying bike.

I JUST WON MY EASTER EGG HUNT!!! Those 8 year olds didn’t stand a chance to my pushing and sprinting. It was kinda like taking candy from a baby!

To the guy that stole my anti-depressants, I hope you’re happy now

Maybe OCD could pick up a mop once in a while

Day 70 without sex my doctor asked me “are you sexually active” I said why whachu tryna do.

[throwing out the baby]

Me: Oh shit, my bathwater!

Did I remember to take Ambien? I’ll ask my lamp. He’s speaking German but maybe I’ll get the gist.

*accidentally uses flash while trying to take pic of funny looking person on the bus*
…
*makes distant thunder noises with mouth*

“Let’s circle back”

– Lame corporate jargon
– No flair
– Boring

“Let’s do the hokey pokey and turn this thing around”

– Unconventional
– Also useful at weddings
– Decisive (shows leadership)
– That’s what it’s all about

Me: *skips*

My body: HEY REMEMBER WE CAN’T DO THAT ANYMORE

The History Channel; because where else are you going to learn about how aliens were instrumental in the development of humanity?

The worst part of seeing a spider in the shower was the way it covered it’s eyes when it saw me.

Green is just blue that someone peed in

facte: you eat 28 spiders in your lifetime. always 28. if you are about to die and you have only eaten 3 then 25 spiders arrive at once

JESUS: so I’m u
GOD: yes
JESUS: and ur me
GOD: yes
JESUS: I don’t get it
GOD: I do
JESUS: how can one of us get it & not the other
GOD: whoa

My wife: That’s not the clothes I sent her to playschool in.

Me: But she’s the right kid?

Wife: Yes. But…

Me: Cool. I’m going to play Playstation.

If practice makes perfect, why in the hell are we all so shit at sleeping as adults!

Me: I hate people.

H: I challenge you to say something positive.

Me: I’m positive I hate people.

I just got excited opening a new pack of socks. Being an adult is stupid

when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”

My mother, who has never drank or done any drug, is in Amsterdam. So, watch out, Netherlands, someone’s about to respectfully tour the crap out of your windmills.

Ate a healthy dinner, so I’m having pringles for dessert.

My wife just suggested that we change into something more comfortable, so you know what that means.

Spaghetti night. It’s spaghetti night.