Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s not about the sacrifices you have to make, it’s about making sure your knife is sharp and they can’t wiggle away.

grandpa said he didn’t want a fuss

If someone tries to be your friend, pick up their cat and play it like the bagpipes. Problem solved.

Me: You should cut your toenails.
Wife: Huh?
M: You’re scratching my leg.
W: I’m WAY on the other side of the bed!
M: That’s kinda my point.

Dog: [sound asleep, eyes rolled back in head, legs twitching from dream]
Me: [momentarily thinks about peanut butter]
Dog: [waiting in kitchen with spoon]

A friend described me as a ‘no maintenance’ type

And I have no idea whether to be happy or offended

My son says I only had kids so I could make them do chores. Like yes, I made a bunch of messy, whiny poop machines so they could cry while doing a crap job of cleaning that I just have to redo later.

me: I saw you kissing santa claus last night

mom: that was actually your father

me: *tearing up* omg does dad know

Waiter: Dessert’s on me.

Me: *leaning close* Where on you, Jeremy?

Anyone else notice your clothes only get caught on door handles when you are already angry or annoyed???

Right now somebody’s therapist is hearing about YOU

I just gave my cat his lunch and insulin. He is now happily digesting and insulating.

Shaved my legs for the 1st time in forever today. It was like taking a bulldozer to the rainforest. Birds flying out, villagers scattering.

*holds up 2 ties*
which one, I have a big meeting today
“both are nice”
[wife calls later]
“how’d it go”
well, wearing 2 ties was a disaster

Nature abhors a vacuum

My dog: frfr

My wish is for all women to love and accept their bodies but also for my body to be objectively the best even tho I’ll be v humble about it

THERAPIST: You’re cured.

ME: Really?!?

THERAPIST: No, of course not. How did that make you feel?

Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.

The string of expletives that just left my mouth was so long, I clotheslined a cyclist two towns over.

kids are all grown up so I guess it’s time to teach the cat to drive

Where does the army of the dead get insanely long chains to pull a dragon? Is there a Walmart north of the wall? #GameOfThrones

The way this kid screams and cries I’m shocked the parents are willing to pay so much to get it back.

I buried one of those 12ft skeletons in my yard. Gonna make one hell of a true crime podcast someday.

Mike is short for Micycle

hey can you guys give me an honest review of my cover letter?

Dear hiring manager,

PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE

Pro tip: when you’re on your way home, don’t answer your phone.

Someone wants you to stop at the store.

Breakfast is the most important beer of the day.

[my day at work]
9:00am: so much to do, blessed!
9:05am: ok I’m bored
9:06am: *googles am I too goth for work?*

But the snozzberries taste like snozzberries.

8- Dad, why is there oxygen on earth, but not on any other planet?

M- Are you sure you just don’t want to know where baby’s come from?