Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My hot flashes are so bad, I can defrost the freezer in the time it takes to choose a popsicle.

Asking me if I want a bag for the box of tampons I just bought is like asking me if they’re for here or to go.

most librarians are not supportive of me practicing mime despite 𝘤𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘳𝘭𝘺 adhering to the volume guidelines

Shapewear for women, but it’s a system of pulleys and levers so you can morph into different configurations, like “sexy Chrysler Building” or “new condos going up”

[airport security]

wife: *fidgeting with wedding ring*

me: *emptying my cargo shorts pockets*

tsa agent:

tsa agent: why so many gameboys

Is that two bananas in your pocket or are you happy to see me and also have one banana in your pocket?

Body: We need to sleep

Brain: Do fish have any concept of rain?

Stomach: LET’S MAKE NACHOS

Cheerleaders are there to tell you that your team needs to score more points & the name of your team in case you forget at any given moment

*strums guitar*

This is a little ditty I’ve been working on called “Stop putting nuts in the god damn brownies”

Hope you like it.

“Do you know why I pulled you over?”

“Was I speeding?”

“No. Because you have a pony tail.”

“I don’t understand.”

“Sir, you’re over 40.”

Drank so much coffee I think I just lost hearing in my right eye.

Nothing makes you regret an outfit choice faster than when you see teens looking at you and whispering.

My neck, my back, my…

People who knock on my front door really need to give up these unrealistic expectations that I’m going to answer

dude *scoffs like 7 times in a row* of course i’m not a virgin… i have lots of *starts readin hand, ink is hella smudged* secular intercom

Math problem:
Q: John has 32 candy bars. He eats 28. What does he have now?
A: Diabetes. John has diabetes.

[something bad happens to me and I disappear]

Police: we are offering a $1.42 reward for anyone with information

Why does every dog run the moment you ask “what’s in your mouth”

They always say “Take it one day at a time.” Like two is an option….

It would be awesome if the Joker movie ended with Batman yelling “Oh HELL no” off camera and swooping in and just beating the absolute shit out of him.”

I’m an ass man, myself. 100% ass. Made of ass & butts & that’s it. This thing that looks like a face? Ass. These fists? Little butts. Hi.

[father & son looking up at the night sky—observing starlight from millions of yrs ago] son, the most important thing in this world is money

ANGEL: the humans need a model for how they should treat you…

GOD: [creates dog]

ANGEL: …and for how they actually do

GOD: [creates cat]

Sorry you saw that piece of corn but I tried flushing five times and it just wouldn’t go down.

Me: It’s the cops!! We better skeedaddle!

Gang leader: I’ve asked you to stop saying that

A good prank if you’re in line behind a baby at Starbucks and the mother isn’t paying attention is to give the baby a thousand dollars

My son asked my wife why I make noises every time I stand up.

She told him it’s because I’m a groan man.

My neighbor’s cat got into the booth with me when I was testing my teleportation device and now there’s cat hair all over my genes.

WE ARE CURRENTLY EXPERIENCING HIGH CALL VOLUMES. WE RECOMMEND HOLDING THE PHONE AWAY FROM YOUR EAR.

After having a backup camera, it’s really hard to not have one. Driving my daughter’s car and I just assume that I probably backed over a short person.