Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I feel it

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: *stops sculpting a Lionel Richie head* Nope. What’s up?

You can pour up to 12 bowls of salad in your sweats before they kick you out of the Olive Garden.

Me: She loves me, she loves me not, she loves me, she loves me not, she lov-
Wife: CAN YOU JUST PEEL THE SHRIMP PLEASE

“The N stands for number – so no need to say ‘PIN number’.
“Terribly sorry, I’ll start again: ‘You’re dead if you don’t give me your PIN’.

In Korean restaurant w/my son & Korean waitress says to him”Hi, how are you”? “Sorry I don’t speak Chinese” Great. I’ve raised a douche!

me:
table: hi
me: *checks dosage*

Kids are weird.
Got seated at a football game and my 8yo busted out two cucumbers and just started biting into them.

Me: My weight is up. I really hate winter.

Him: Don’t be discouraged. You’ll bounce back in spring once you shave your legs.

“IT’S A BOY” I shouted, tears rolling down my face “I DON’T BELIEVE IT. A BOY!” It was at that moment I chose never to visit Thailand again.

How do you call a meerkat?

C’meerkat.

It’s weird that on this date in Back to the Future they didn’t show people incessantly posting about Back to the Future.

I got picked on in Highschool: I was cut from the football team & failed the cheerleading tryouts on the same day they fired me as principal

Wife: Don’t leave knives out near the kitchen door. What if a burglar broke in and used it?
Me *patiently explains why this is ridiculous*

[later]
Me *being stabbed to death by burglar using our kitchen knife* “please dont! Use something else! Anything else!”

I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.

My lunch consisted of taste-testing 30 opened bags of chips in the pantry for freshness.

Would like to be a man who dies with his boots on, but knowing my luck it will be a day I chose to wear socks with a pair of Crocs and my friends will have fun with that.

Today’s Tarot Card: I warned you not to pet the Hell Hounds.

[guy about to invent magic 8-ball]

*kicking a ball* i could really use some vague advice

Stuck behind a school bus & locked in an intense staring contest w/ a kid at the back. I’m 45 min. off course but I’m not gonna let him win.

I like my coffee like I like my women.

Not banging my friends.

For all the bad things that happened this year I sure did get fat.

My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.

[getting selected to be on a game show] do you have a satin shirt in a primary color

Cannot believe that even in this day and age people discriminate against each other for petty things like race and religion. All people are deserving of love and respect if they’re good looking. Period.

Him: what are you thinking about?

Me: how difficult do you think it would be to debone the little mermaid if you planned on filleting and eating her?

I barely flinch for gunshots or fireworks but I jump a foot in the air in frozen terror if your land-line phone goes off.

*knocks over a huge display at the grocery store*

(raises arms in the air)

Ta-da!

my favorite gender