2022 be like
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*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*5 comments from aunts saying that the joke was inappropriate*
A guy that was falsely imprisoned for 10 years got free tickets to the Super Bowl. That guy is SO lucky.
You, an intellectual: Actually it’s not called “Calvary”, its real name is “Golgotha”.
Me: Weird hill to die on, but okay.
My wife says I’m addicted to generalizations but isn’t everyone some kind of addict?
Girl: So, how many inches is it?
Pat: How many inches is what?
G: You know..
P: Uhhh, about 200 dollars long.
G: OMG, It’s so big!
5yo: That will be 5 dollars.
Me *handing her play money*
All I have is this 50.Hey! Where’s my change?
5yo: Sorry. I all I have is this 50.
SAW 14:
HELLO JIMMY
I WANT TO PLAY A GAME
THE DOOR IS 10FT AWAY
THE FLOOR IS COVERED IN LEGOS
YOU’RE PROBABLY WONDERING WHERE YOUR SHOES ARE
38% of being a dad is sitting in a car looking at your watch and waiting for everybody else to come out
What do you mean the band goes on at 9pm? That’s the middle of the night.
girlfriend: [seductively] is there anything new you’d like to try in bed
me: maybe spaghetti but I’d probably make a mess
ZUCKERBERG: im ready to answer any questions u might have about facebook
84-YEAR-OLD SENATOR: excellent. mr zuckerberg my farmville farm needs more pigs but i cannot figure out where to purchase them
I think High School birth control classes should just be forcing the students to watch videos of me taking my 3 kids to the grocery store
It’s better to clear out your fridge before the leftovers grow green hair, become sentient, and attack the closest major population center.
“When i bump into an old friend, but we can’t remember our names”
Adding the word “farmhouse” to a table or piece of furniture allows you to charge $1000 for it.
I just accidentally swallowed a whole bunch of Scrabble tiles. My next shit could spell disaster.
If I were British I would carry around a monocle and drop it whenever I was horrified
I told a second grader today I didn’t have a cell phone when I was his age and he looked at me sadly and said oh so you had a flip phone?
Got the trays mixed up after dinner at a Chinese place. Ate the check & paid a fortune.
IT support is currently working on fixing the problem. Thanks for your patience.
My first words were, “spank me daddy” because my parents accidentally set up the baby monitors backwards.
It’s that time of year – holiday music playing, lights twinkling, and kids excited abo…GET YOUR STICKY HANDS OFF THE GODDAMN TREE OR SANTA IS GOING TO DROP YOUR TOYS IN THE OCEAN…ut baking cookies.
did it hurt? when the rat pulled on your hair to make you cook?
I wonder how much time Han Solo spent just brushing Chewie’s fur and talking about their aspirations
How software testing works
Alcohol is the leading cause of me getting yelled at for being a pterodactyl on the coffee table.
I need to get some bricks…
I wonder if soap opera actors know how to carry on regular conversations in real life or if they’re just always saying part of a thought
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
I can fix him.
