2022 be like
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I have entirely too many new bruises for someone who isn’t getting laid
My mom texted me asking what “DTF” meant and I told her “Dedicated To Family”…I seriously can’t wait for her to use it.
waiter: what would you like to order, sir?
me: a naked salad, please.
waiter: …
me: you know, no dressing.
I must be ill – I thought I saw a sausage fly past my window, but it was actually a seabird. I think I’ve taken a tern for the wurst.
Laugh, and the world laughs with you…
Keep saying “LOL” out loud, and you’ll die alone.(For Judy in Accounting)
Note to self:
Next time your migraine specialist asks “How’s your head?” Don’t reply with “No man has ever complained.”
mr. rogers: can you get me a pack of camels
amelia bedelia: *comes back with a caravan*
“and you are November’s PM yes?”
Kids will do something that makes you angry and you’ll tell them it makes you angry and they’ll cry and tell you they don’t want you to be angry while continuing to do the thing that makes you angry.
i still think about this 10yr old post a lot
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “hey, that one over there is shaped like an alcoholic”.
I have never seen an alcohol company using a drunk person for any advertising, are they ashamed of their customers?
It’s widely known that some members of a prison population become well-read and crafty with words.
Sometimes you can mix prose with cons.
Unpopular opinion
The moon is actually way more useful than the sun. Because the moon gives us light at night when it’s dark. The sun only gives us light during the day when it’s already bright.
[speed dating]
*girl sits down*
“hi im melan-
QUICK A ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE HAPPENS WHAT WEAPON DO YOU USE
“wha-
CORRECT ANSWER WAS KATANA. NEXT
Miss 9 trips over something and bangs her jaw on the bed.
Ohh no, how come you’re so clumsy I ask just as I bump my own head on a door frame.
Dr: You’ve gained some weight
Me: You said I should take it easy
Dr: That was a yr ago & you were sick
Me: WELL I’M NOT A MIND READER
I was under the false impression that my kids would stop elbowing me in the bladder after they were born
Rule: If thou has a Macbook, thou shall always taketh photos of objects with the Macbook in the background.
My iPhone corrects “WHOA” to “WHOSE”, which just made my text response to “I JUST HAD A BABY!!!” a little awkward.
All kids are born with a sixth sense that lets them know the absolute worst time to ask for something.
My husband: Can I ask a really stupid question
Me: More than anyone I know
My Uncle is either a good taxidermist or a bad vet.
On average people watch 8 Spider-Man movies a year in their sleep
the real victims in all of this are those of us who like to take soup in museums to have a nice snack and now will be regarded with hostility and suspicion — or worse!
Wife: “I’m tired of you endlessly misquoting Arnold Schwarzenegger films. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “You’ll be back.”
My husband is out of town, but the cupboard doors are still open, so now I have to face some cold hard truths about myself
another day, another instance of me forgetting to turn off my recording after an interview and otter listening to me talk to my dog
Why pay for therapy when the lady in the Starbucks drive thru window is willing to listen to you venti?
Dating:
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”Marriage:
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”