2022: I can fix it
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Me: 🎶I don’t wanna work
I wanna bang on my drum all day
Every day when I get home from work
I feel so frustrated, the boss is a jerk
I get my sticks and go out to the shed
And I pound on that drum like it was the boss’s head
Because-🎶Boss: Reminder to mute yourselves, please
*stands next to ATM and cheers every time someone wins money*
turn-ons:
• eye contact
• people who pay attention to me
• people who know how to push my buttons
• oh god im a television
• how did this h―
The best way to dry off a wet baby is to leave him in a jar of rice overnight.
– You got so drunk last night, you were dancing on the table in your underwear!!
– Me? In my underwear? You must have left early.
me: lol THAT’S your sword?
enemy: this blade can cut through steel
me: [confidently] I’m not even made out of steel you idiot
I am going to the Antique Roadshow. Gonna slap my tampon on the table and ask them what period it’s from.
18: Thanks for the nuggets.
Me: I didn’t buy you nuggets.
18: Well 19 said she didn’t either, so how did the get in my room? Someone could have broken in.
Me: Yes and left you a 20 piece with ranch, that has been happening a lot on this street.
[ explaining The Plan ]
jesus: ok i gotta be honest, you lost me at the giant rabbit with eggs
god: look man, these ppl are idiots
Honey I made you some hotdog water
My Parenting Wrapped 2024 includes 525600 minutes of not being listened to
I’d go to Mastodon, but I have zero dinosaur jokes.
ME: make every guy afraid of me
GENIE: as u wish
ME: (a tampon): son of a
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
I’ll eat when I’m dead
– zombies
so i guess the opposite of dateline would be friendzonesquiggle.
“i want a liquid in my mouth but i want it to arrive in a tiny tunnel” – inventor of the straw
The next person to tell me a joke about Indians & call centers is getting beaten to death with my snake charming flute.
If you let me, shear’s what I’ll do. I’ll take hair off ewe
Greatest “Bad at sex” tweets of 2019
Choose your fighter!
My 9yo took the time to make this sign rather than just throwing the bag away herself, I’m gonna need a minute
My lyft driver had a nice Jeep Cherokee. I said “What year is this?” He had no idea I was talking about the car. Ride was weird after that.
ZOMBIE: *squishing brains through fingers* got your knows
Give it to me straight
“I’d really like to have sex with you-”
Now give it to me gay
“-r boyfriend.”
I love the National Park Service.
Would like to be a man who dies with his boots on, but knowing my luck it will be a day I chose to wear socks with a pair of Crocs and my friends will have fun with that.
This body wash smells like a smoothie !!!
This body wash does not taste like a smoothie !!!
It’s hard to walk away seductively in flip-flops.