2022: I can fix it
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crazy how 2000 years ago you could just stab your friend to death if his vibes were bad. Can’t do that today. There’d be a whole dateline about it
Positives about working from home:
– There’s no commute.
– I can talk to the cat all day.Negatives about working from home:
– I don’t leave the house
– I’ve started talking to the cat.
[prison]
So, what are you in for?
*flashes back to trying to collect and breed crows*
“Attempted murder”
I don’t think The Proclaimers realized how far 500 miles really is.
Hey, my eyes are up here.
Nope. Higher.
– snails, probably
Me *sneezes*
My cat: EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF
you know how there are wedding coordinators? why can’t there be moving coordinators? like, i want you to pack, move, turn off utilities, turn on new utilities, change my mailing address, clean the house and feed me.
If you wanna get on a diet replace the light in your fridge with an air horn .!!
[buying shoes for our kids]
her: which do you like better
me: idk probably our daughter
People would probably like hospitals better if they had water slides & the nurses were strippers
People who hate candy corn love telling you.
My sister borrowed my favorite shirt without asking again, so I changed her Facebook profile picture to a positive Clearblue pregnancy test.
a band called LinkedIn Park that’s just a bunch of accountants having a midlife crisis
BEST FRIEND: Dude I’m broke!
ME: …
DAUGHTER: I have to sell my house!
ME: …
BROTHER: I have NOTHING, you took it ALL!
ANGEL ON SHOULDER: You should help them.
MONOPOLY GUY ON OTHER SHOULDER: FINISH THEM!
If every human in the world jumps off a mountain we’ll probably eventually evolve to fly.
I admit I’m not very handy, but there are many other areas in which I also do not excel.
I didn’t survive various alcohol poisoning events in the 90’s just to get taken out by a virus
Him: I’m really into clean eating.
Me: [trying to impress] I almost never eat food I’ve dropped on the floor.
I wanna get on a taxi and after riding around a while without saying anything, tell the driver ‘I killed myself on that bridge 2 years ago’
Clark Kent: How’s your lunch?
Bruce Wayne: This soup is great.
CK: don’t
BW: You could even say
CK: please don’t
BW: It’s Souper, man
I’m doing crunches twice a day now…
Captain in the morning…
Nestle in the afternoon.
One time for my child’s birthday party, I accidentally sent the kids home with whistles in their goodie bags. I lost 47 friends that day.
me: i wish for good health, to be rich, and finally….for your freedom
therapist: once again i am not a genie but you being here is starting to make more sense
[vacuuming]
Pick up your feet please.
Kid on sofa: No!
Ok *sucks kid into vacuum feet first*
*turns to next kid* Pick up your feet please.
Me: Maybe shouting “harder baby” during CPR training was not a great idea.
Security Guard: Keep walking. Stop talking.
You come to my house…on the day my daughter is to be married…and you ask me to do murder for money
“Hey, look, is that Dad?”
“Either that or Batman’s really let himself go.”
Olympics: carry this lit torch across the world
Smokey the bear: o hell no
Jehovah’s witnesses don’t celebrate Halloween, I’m guessing it’s because they don’t appreciate random people coming up to their doors.
“Surprise!” they yelled as he came in.
He screamed.
“Happy birthday!” they said.
“Do I know you?”
“No. We’re just excellent surprisers.”