Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This day in history. 1965. The Who’s equipment van was stolen while they were inside the Battersea Dogs Home choosing a dog to guard their van.

Lawyer: do you watch people use the bathroom?
Defendant: no
Lawyer: spell “ICUP”
Defendant: I-C-U-P
Judge: *softly* omg
Jury: *whispering*

*Boyfriend gets in bed*

Him: Wanna fool around?

Me: *Doesn’t hear him because I’m tipping the cheetos bag directly into my mouth*

What this four-way stop needs is some kind of signal that would let people know when it’s their turn to go

My dandruff is so bad, I leaned over the fish tank. They thought it was feeding time.

Since 1994 my New Year resolution has been the same. Don’t get murdered by Courtney Love.

Storm about to blow in, very windy, out in my yard talking to neighbor

Neighbor: *talking, shifts*

Me: *shifts, too, talking*

N: *moves, keeps talking*

M: *moves, too, keeps talking*

N: Why are you copying me? Wait…Are you using me to block the wind?

Me: Yes

N: *laughing*

“Can I speak to your manager please?”

“I AM the manager”

Party hack: Let your guests know it’s time to leave by having your child play a musical instrument.

Me: [Sits down to eat breakfast]

Girlfriend: Babe, you forgot the French Toast

Me: Oh sorry [raises glass] VIVE LA FRANCE!

The Good News: My doctor says I’m healthy as a horse.
The Bad News: She used another large farm animal to describe my weight.

[feudal japan]
ME: we are disgraced! we must commit sudoku

OTHER SAMURAI: *disemboweling himself* it’s called seppuku

ME: *sharpening pencil* you do you buddy

The amount of cream cheese I smear on a bagel when I’m dining out is VERY different than when I’m at home. Alone. With my tub of cream cheese.

For the last time, I don’t have any secret prison camps.

Anyone who doesn’t believe me will be sent to a secret prison camp.

me: i think we should make a baby

wife: do you know how expensive babies are?

me: wait, you can buy them??

Him: Can I have your number?

Me: *looks up from texting
I don’t have a phone.

You’re in a work meeting and your boss asks, “Any questions?”

The answer is always, NO.

The best part of being a flight attendant has to be when you walk the aisle saying “trash” to everyone’s face.

If we meet in a social situation I’ll typically take over the conversation, do a tight five or ten minutes then clam up for the rest of the evening. That’s all I got. The next two hours is on you.

Missing someone is tough but you move on eventually & I’m no longer allowed to chaperone field trips.

Damm August got somewhere to be don’t it

Her: you’re damaged goods
Me *thinking*: she thinks I’m good!

Me *sees boy at school* ugh that kid over there is so annoying

Teacher: I agree but you still need to take him home

I once sprained my wrist flapping away too vigorously in a panic after I walked into a massive spider’s web. I told everybody I damaged my hand playing rugby

Me: I crave your sweetness on my lips
Her: Who are you talking to in there?
M: *stumbles out of pantry with Nutella all over my face* nobody

We need a dating app where you can just get directly to the point. Like hey, you think I’m cute? Do you wanna abandon society & go live in the mountains so we can train a small army of raccoons to shoplift for us when the apocalypse finally happens? No? Then don’t waste my time.

“This does not bode well.” – a guy at the returns desk, explaining why he’s returning a boder.

It should be a rule that if you’re going to put you kid on a leash, you can’t be mad if someone walks up, asks if they bite, and pets them

I have a kidney to donate. It’s not mine, so I don’t know much about it.