2022: I can fix it
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I don’t know, my pockets are always stuffed full of things I need.
*Scrolls TL*
Politics. Subtweet. Peen avi. Poor girl is constipated. Drama. WHORE. Stoned. Sexually frustrated. BOOBS!
*sips juicebox*
I do really good on my diet for like 8 or 9 hours, and then I wake up.
waitress: what can i get you to drink?
me: house margarita.
waitress: [slowly] margarita good
I see a guy with a sharktooth necklace.
Me: Holy shit! That’s the sharpest part of the shark. Who is this mysterious and brave hunk?
ME: my son ran away
COP: we won’t rest until we find him
ME: [swiping LEGO aside with both feet] no rush
SOMEONE IS AT THEIR HOUSE!!!
– dogs
She gives you butterflies.
She makes your hands sweat.
She sends chills down your spine.She just gave you her stomach virus.
“Can I maim myself with it?” – my toddler’s mental checklist before deciding to play with something
Imagine if songbirds sang real songs and you got to hear WHOOMP THERE IT IS every morning
The amount of cream cheese I smear on a bagel when I’m dining out is VERY different than when I’m at home. Alone. With my tub of cream cheese.
My friend is mad because I called her baby the cutest little freak show. The CUTEST tho… it’s like she missed that part.
Hypothesis, hypotenuse and hippopotamus are the same words
Stay woke, sheeples
No thank you, gym membership. The only thing worse than riding a bike is riding a bike that goes nowhere.
Hurt my back in a pretty bad helicopter accident.
At my age, I really need to stretch before trying to move my hips like that.
detective: take him away boys
video: *being dragged away* I DIDNT KILL THE RADIO STAR. I WAS FRAMED
YouTube: *flicks cigarette* the plan is going perfectly
*spills wine on Ouija board*
OUIJA: *moving pointer by itself* H-E-Y S-S-E-X-Y D-Y-O-O-U-W-W-A-N-N-A M-A-K-E O-U-T
ME: *moves pointer to NO*
I sprung into action when a coworker was choking during lunch. I moved him into the next room, so I could eat in peace and quiet
I always run towards screaming. Sure, it could be a horrible murder in progress. BUT it could also be ice cream.
I logged on to Amazon and they said that they have run out of things that I don’t need.
Nothing’s more important than family, particularly if your kidneys are starting to fail.
“PS, I love you” — Me to my PlayStation.
I tried sliding across the hood of my Camaro, but my pony tail got caught in the windshield wiper.
omg thanks for ending the meeting 4 minutes early and “giving me some time back” — now I can finally pursue my passions
My uncle started shouting at me about my “misuse” of emoticons and had a heart attack 😉
“Dave, don’t, he ain’t worth it bro”
Order food
Hear driver
Get into position
Doorbell
Pause for three seconds
Open and act surprised!
I accidental typed sinroof instead of sunroof and I may have just invented the greatest thing ever.
Tyrannosaurus Clark Kent, unable to do shit because he can’t remove his glasses
ME: Yeah, I’ve heard that movie.
FRIEND: You mean ‘seen’ that movie.
ME: Ha ha. No! I’m on twitter. I haven’t seen a movie in 3 years.