2022 Jesus turns water into gasoline.
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if harambe happened today it would be like the 40th thing down in the news. it wouldn’t even make the ticker
like how’d Scar’s mom know he was going to get a scar one day?
Dear lady arguing w/ the clerk over whether or not it is “good” champagne: YOU ARE IN A GAS STATION!
For Mother’s Day, my sister gave me an “easy to care for” orchid. All it needs to stay alive is a place in my house that maintains an exact temperature of 63 degrees every minute of the day and to be given 5 1/2 drops of water every 789 minutes.
You know, one day auto correct will completely collapse, and that day will be gloria’s!!
Me: I’m an actor
Date: Oh that’s cool!
Me: Have you seen “No Country For Old Men?”
Date: I love that movie!
Me: Yeah it’s awesome. Anyway, haven’t booked any roles yet.
Once a year on our shared birthday, my longtime ex texts me & we exchange simple wishes.
This year he added that he has overcome his longtime aversion to feta cheese, so I replied good, feta is delicious you still haunt my dreams.
my gf bought a table, a doily, and then a much smaller table and a much smaller doily
And in that moment, the Ninja Turtles realized that in a way, ALL teenagers are mutants.
I’ll never understand why the guy that invented braille didn’t just put the dots in shape of the actual letters.
“we want grandchildren” sorry hope you like podcasts
Just came to the realization that my ten year high school reunion will be in 10 months. I have about nine days to get married and pregnant.
Whenever I’m upset with my dog for acting up, I remind her which one of us is the owner and then we laugh and laugh.
Ok that baby hippo is adorable but how did 90% of my timeline become baby hippo overnight without me ever searching hippo content.
Hmm. Nissan Altima TV commercial boasts NASA inspired zero-gravity seats. But if you’re in zero gravity, you don’t need seats
Breaking Bad – Season 05 Episode 14 – Frame 640 of 2834
Little did she know she had fallen into my trap when I pissed her off so much that she threw her Snickers bar at me.
There is a mosquito that has been trailing me for two days. I’ve swatted and clapped but it has proven to be the stronger of us both. It’s time to give in to my place on the food chain
My attending asked me if I had ADHD but I heard PhD… and i shouted out “no i have a bachelor of science” 😅
4th year is going well.
Finally figured out the reason I look so bad in photos. It’s my face
I’ll straight up play reindeer games with a squid and squid games with a reindeer I really don’t give a shit anymore.
The problem with millennials is they were taught to look up to Pokemon not *struggles to think of a thing old people respect* Mussolini
The sex was going great until he questioned why I was making my storm trooper action figures kiss across his forehead.
What idiot called it Viagra and not medickation?
Hey guys is your refrigerator running? Because I don’t like any of the current presidential candidates
The only running I do is to the microwave to catch the beep before the dog hears it go off
🛁
What do you call clean German cabbage?
Shower-kraut.
#CabbageDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
rom-com idea: Gozilla +1. Godzilla gets invited to a wedding but struggles to convince anyone to go with him