2022 just sounds like you lost track while counting
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Me: You know what I don’t get?
Friend: Laid.
Me:
Friend:
Me: You know what else I don’t get?
DATE: I want someone that brings me fancy gifts
ME, A CROW: [revealing a shiny bottle cap I found] m’lady
ramses: *checking phone* wtf is a dense frog warning
moses: 🙂
ramses: oh you son of a-
Hate to be nosey, people in the hallway, but you’re too effing loud and yes, that mole should be looked at.
One day, a handsome man will look me in the eyes and lovingly say, “I’ve been looking for you everywhere,” and this time it won’t be law enforcement.
Me: my shoulder is sore
DR: I told u stop throwing rocks at the Sun
[walking out of office] (looks at Sun) I guess ur safe *squints* for now
*has hiccups for 30 seconds*
MY LIFE IS PURE SHIT
I’m going to tell you a story. It’s a story…
Not much is worse than that feeling of going back to work after a lunch…or a vacation…or just going to work in general
alien: take me to your leader
me: take me to YOUR leader
alien: *suddenly nervous* are you going to eat him?
My husband won’t let me pick up wood at Home Depot because he doesn’t want it scratched or bent but I can take care of his children daily.
Our Father, who art in Heaven, Hallowed be thy name
But Imma call you “Hal” for short, ‘k, Chief?
After my second “oh shit that’s crazy” it’s time to wrap up your story.
My daughter just called me “Whatever your name is” so you know I’m killing it at parenting multiple kids over here.
If my dog doesn’t like you, then I don’t like you. Unless you’re hot, then the dog can go in the crate for a couple hours.
MEET ME AT THE PLACE NEXT TO THE THING GO NOW DO NOT ASK ANY QUESTIONS
I have a thing for older men. Not cuz I have ‘daddy issues’, but because I also like to eat dinner at 4:30 and be asleep by 8pm.
By the end of shelter at home, my house will be spotless. Oh sure, I’ll be drunk and confused, but so will the germs.
Me: *snarl* Sorry. Been dealing with a work deadline, a pandemic, full-time distant learning, & trying to make sure my kid’s sole understanding of current events isn’t constructed by random youtubers & internet memes
Person: So, does that mean you’re busy?
Me: *laughing*
He took my last fry, your honor
Me: My waitress said “Have a nice day” and I replied “I love you too, Mommy.” Lol, that could happen to anyone, right?
Therapist’s notes: “I’ve got a live one here.”
My sweet-as-can-be daughter who’s never even once gotten in trouble listens to podcasts about serial killers to relax, if you’re wondering about the healthy home environment I’ve provided.
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Me: What’s with the look?
Hub: How would you like a full-service massage?
Me: I would, but will you and the kids be okay while I’m gone?
[Burger Lounge]
Server: Are you 27?
Me: OMG NO I’M 39 THANK U SO MUCH U MADE MY DAY
Server: I meant your order number, ma’am.
If you keep bending your iPhone 6 you’ll eventually have a sweet flip phone.
Research is preliminary but we estimate the number of crimes actually solved by boy detectives to be somewhere in the neighborhood of zero.
Hey! With the intention of somehow making you pay later for cheekily stealing those fries from me
Louis C.K. perfectly sums up Boston accents in his new special ‘Live At The Comedy Store’
