2022 just sounds like you lost track while counting
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*combines 2% and 1% to create 3% milk*
Second orthodontist consult.
10: I hope I can still eat fried chicken at Popeye’s and drink Dr Pepper and chew taffy.
Ortho:
Me, under my breath: You’ve never even been to Popeye’s. You don’t drink soda!…
10, whispering: Best to take this up with Dad.
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
Granny said “alright now, if she fall that’s it for me” 😭
JUDITH! FETCH MY EVIL PLAN GLASSES!
*2 hours later has organised a small festival*
Dammit Judith, these are my party planning glasses!
Date : So you’re the youngest of three?
Me : Yep, my parents are both older.
I really don’t see what the problem is with me letting my dogs on the sofa, but the man at the furniture shop was adamant.
Just got a coffee at the airport and then remember they have beer and now I’m awake and sad
For your consideration, a black footed ferret and the first words written about the black footed ferret in western scientific literature: “It is with great pleasure that we introduce this handsome new species”
[text]
Me: on my way over
Friend: u okay?
M: my husband used the guest towels
F: OMG! i’ll open wine
[carnival]
me: I’d like an elephant!
face painter: on your cheek or…?
me: *unbuttoning pants* my wife is going to be so surprised
Regional Manager added me to the wrong Slack channel at work. There were discussions on overlooking 3 certain people for promotions & ideas on how to get them fired, because they were in a union. Long story short, I’m the regional manager now and the 3 people got their promotions
I just found out Canada isn’t real
Turns out it was all mapleleaf
I’m pretty sure my kids see a freshly vacuumed floor as a challenge.
(first day as a bartender)
customer: fifth of scotch.
me: cool. i’m half Puerto Rican.
her: take off my bra
me: ok
her: take off my panties
me: wow ok
her: stop wearing my clothes
Store clerk: May I help you?
Me: I hope so. Sweetie go get your math homework, this nice woman is going to help us.
Yeah it’s disrespectful when someone copies your tweet word for word to appear like they wrote it.
But honestly? It almost feels worse when you see someone copied your tweet AND it got no likes or retweets.
Like wait wtf why didn’t their friends like my joke tho? 😤 How rude.
My favorite Skrillex song is the one where he drops a spoon into the garbage disposal and steps on a cat’s tail.
I didn’t like you in high school, I don’t like you now. #WhyIDontUseFacebook
me, as a child: I beat all my sisters at hide and seek today!
my dad: that’s good, but your brother Daniel is the reigning champ
me: who
I use my teethbrush then go play feetball and commit arms robbery. Just giving you a head up.
– people with the right amount of body parts
You should be able to google why a couple broke up
Him: I’m drowning in bills
Me: You should sign up for paperless
The 3 types of Christmas movies:
1. Movies about Santa.
2.People being changed by the Christmas spirit.
3. Die Hard
Naming my daughter “A Relationship” so I don’t have to worry about punks wanting to be in her.
Website: We use cookies to improve performance.
Me: Same.
I’m not judging you, I’m just trying to guess what medications you’re on.