2022 just sounds like you lost track while counting
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My entire life looks like a drug deal gone bad.
Told my wife “I’m not mad, I’m disappointed” and now she’s not mad, she’s furious.
Me: I fear nomadic lifestyles.
Therapist: …I gathered.
Me: [screams]
Our system is shit. I’m 24 and only have two years left on my moms health insurance. Then, I have to find a new mother
*chugging, distorted guitars, aggressive precision drumming*
Me: *wearing a bloody pig face and growling like a demon* One cannot step twice in the same river. I think therefore I am. Entities should not be multiplied unnecessarily.
Depth Metal
If the band Toto, drummer Tommy Lee & singer Marvin Gaye ever got together and made an album…
…I’m pretty it would be Toto Lee Gaye.
Boss set out a bowl of hard candy in the break room, so I guess we had our Christmas party today.
One of my new rescue dogs is really into laying on the couch and watching FRIENDS.
I think he’s my soulmate.
Just shared my screen in a business meeting, and realised that my desktop was showing a google search for “where did Scrooge McDuck get his money?”
doctor: do you use recreational drugs?
me: no
doctor: you don’t have to lie to me
me: yeah i know, but i like to
buying a used car and telling people it’s a rescue
My soul leaving my body when the lecturer says “let’s hear from someone who hasn’t spoken yet”😭
“What’s the photo for again?”
“Just a freelance piece I’m writing”
“Ok great”
[Firing squad]
Sergeant: Blindfold?
Me: You promi—
Sergeant: Yes, yes, I promise nobody will tickle you
If you cry every day in your relationship.. sit down, take a deep breath & ask yourself, “Am I dating a Human or an Onion?”
He loved it so much he walked himself up.
This frozen meal expects me to know what wattage my microwave is like I’m some kind of wizard.
Them: “There’s certain things that should be left unsaid”
My brain: “VOLDEMORT”.
cat guru: ask yourself – what is the sound of a hairless cat coughing up a hairball
optimus prime: did she just wink at me?
me: i think she’s turning left
Ninja wedding vows be like “in slickness and in stealth.”
“what’s it like having a sister?”
Doc: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in the bed.
My Australian friend: We don’t have 4th of July here
Me: so you just go from the 3rd to the 5th? That’s weird
me: im fine, everything’s fine
my search history: i beg to differ
Trying to sound more sinister in normal conversation. i just invited my friend out for a drink tonight but i did it by saying “do u wanna meet me for a simple drink at a regular bar no strings attached nothing weird”.
Kids are like mosquitoes…
…when they stop making a noise, start worrying
Dracula’s wife: You’ve got a little smudge on your chin.
Dracula: Vhere? Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a little to the left.
Dracula: Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a bit to the right. You know what? Just go look in the mi..
Dracula: LOOK INTO WHAT, MARTHA??
[sideline]
QB: Do you think I should go for it?
COACH: I say go for it[huddle]
CENTER: So?
QB: Would you like to go for a coffee sometime?