Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Vending machine egg salad sandwich cleanse.

Me as a therapist: omg same

*as girl walks in*
98, 99, *grunts* 100
“Wow, push-ups?”
Uhm, no? Just learning to count.

Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.

[from the bottom of a lake]

I have this thing where I underestimate the size of puddles.

Look, Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom.

“what about that shadowy place? by 2pm when the sun is west of its apex, it will be illuminated. is that our kingdom but only in the afternoon? what about night? what about clouds”

Simba.. who told you about science

The real slim shady: [sitting in a bean bag] oh no

Apparently telling someone you’ll catch their next wedding is unacceptable, whatevers.

ME: babe i don’t think the acid we dropped is working

GIANT BLUE OX: are you sure

saw five goats walking on their hind legs through the woods, is that bad

On a first date when we are sharing a dessert, I like to feed him. Using the airplane technique and noises.

Update: I’m Still single.

Checkboxes dating apps /should/ have:

🔲 Willing to sneak snacks into movies
🔲 Good at building blanket forts
🔲 Only sets volume, temp etc. to EVEN numbers
🔲 toilet paper roll goes OVER
🔲 I don’t think the position of the stars when I was born determined my personality

911 OPERATOR: 911 what’s your emergency
ME: ok promise you won’t be mad

At this wedding, the DJ played The Black Eyed Peas, everyone left the dance floor. I like these people.

Me : can you be my quarantine partner ?

Her : Hmmm …first , Show me your
stimulus package

Me : 🤦🏾‍♂️

Her : DO NOT TOUCH YOUR FACE.

If there’s karaoke or no karaoke I’m not going

I hate when I drop my chili cheese dog in my car and then I have to eat my whole car.

Only wearing tennis skirts from now on and frankly disappointed in myself for not thinking of it sooner.

[family brunch]
Sister: We’d love you to be our daughter’s godmother.
Me: No thank you. Please pass the syrup.

I’ve never seen a single Star Wars movie and I plan on keeping it that way simply because, the reaction I get when telling someone I’ve never seen them, is far more enjoyable than any movie I’ve ever seen.

ADVERT: Have you been involved in an accident at work…

*looks up from hospital bed*

ADVERT: …that wasn’t your fault…

ME: Oh.

[presenting my dissertation] Tom has been chasing Jerry for years, but all he gets if he catches him is a light snack. The time investment isn’t worth the reward. Tom is therefore a victim of the sunk cost fallacy. Next slide please,

My 7 year old leaves for school with no toys. When I pick him up he has many toys. He says he “trades” for them. I’d ask his teacher but snitches get stitches.

*licks lips*
Me: “Do that thing I like babe.”
Him: *orders pizza*

*presses lips against mic*

I wished I sanitized this first

Them: We can’t pay for your writing, but it will be good exposure!

Me: I’ve got my own website. I can expose myself. …You know what I mean.

Hey Joe, don’t think we can use this ad.

Why not? We’re roofers.

Yes, but “Hot shingles in your area looking to get nailed” seems extreme.

Coworker: I didn’t know you dip.

Me: *Puting a pinch of shredded cheese in my lip like chewing tabacco* Ugh, no. What a disgusting habit.

But wait…..does your wife know that you’re divorced?

Beer: When are you coming home.
Me: Right away honey.

See. Marriage works. Just choose the right wife.