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Who called them cat allergies and not meowlergies
C’mon, dude. Man up and ask her if she likes me.
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up.
People who say “the future is now” don’t understand how time works.
Dec 24: Christmas Eve
Dec 25: Christmas Day
Dec 26: Boxing Day
Dec 27-30: Every day feels like a Sunday, proof that time is a social construct
Dec 31: New Year’s Eve
Jan 1: New Year’s Day
Jan 2: Reality hits
It’s too bad you unfollowed me, I was about to propose.
Obviously, someone didn’t follow the instructions before assembling the cat…🐈🐾😅
My 15yo just handed me this and apologised, explaining that he’s been contracted to kill me.
Him: What are you doing tomorrow?
Me: I was thinking maybe a chocolate croissant for breakfast.
Him: *sighs*
Me: Oh, you mean between meals.
Doing my civic duty by ensuring that my students know the difference between “lose” and “loose.”
Welcome to adulthood: you’re always sleepy unless you’re trying to get to sleep
[at a store]
Me: What can you tell me about those sunglasses?
*sunglasses loudly arguing about politics*
Clerk: Well, they’re polarized
Paula Hawkins: What should I call my book about a girl on a train?
Publicist: Let’s call the guy who named the movie ‘Snakes On A Plane’.
Best wishes to the local youths I met outside the supermarket today. They asked me to buy alcohol for their gravely ill grandfather whose dying wish is 3 bottles of vodka and a case of beer. I was happy to help. Please give my best wishes to your grandad, guys.
Maybe all the vampires are always so angry and biting people because they can never eat any lasagne or spaghetti or anything that has garlic in it. Did you ever think about that? No you always think about yourself!
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
rock.– looking for shells on the north pole beach
friend: the bathroom is upstairs
me(drunk): wtf? *pees pants*
Pretending to fall asleep on the train so the conductor picks me up and carries me to bed
GIRL: l’m tired of bad boys and their bs. I want a good boy, for a change.
ME [clearly a golden retriever]: *turns to camera and winks*
My husband just asked this southern 8 ball if I loved him. It said “bless your heart” 😆
I’ll huff and I’ll puff and I’ll get light headed then have to lay down.
Ok, don’t panic… If we hold the North and South Pole down simultaneously for eight seconds, it’ll automatically restore to factory settings.
* on a date snuggling *
Me: Did you enjoy dinner?
Her: Yeah, but now I feel fat.
Me: Get your hands off my belly.
Maybe the refrigerator doesn’t see anything it wants in you either.
Dollar Tree pregnancy tests.
For when you only want to be 35% sure.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Is it because I’m obsessed with Greek mythology?
Her: It’s because of your stupid nicknames for things.
Me, pouring a glass of water: Would you care for Poseidon’s milk?
Me: *levitating, a jumble of furniture swirls chaotically around me*
Him: so, you still mad?
[Arby’s]
Me: This horsey sauce barely tastes like horse at all
Mgr: *adding horse shavings* Tell me when
Kids: *doing something they shouldn’t*
Me: Stop or I’ll be mad
Kids: *keep doing it*
Me: Stop or Mom will be mad
Kids:*stop immediately*
