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this is stick
*dog wags tail*
this is branch. its made of sticks
*tail wags faster*
this is tree. it makes sticks
*dog helicopters into sky*
If by multitasking you mean ruining my life in more than one way at a time, then yes, I’m multitasking.
People on twitter be like “yeah I’m married, but it’s not that serious”.
My bathroom scales need a new home. They weigh you 30 pounds over, and have slight damage from being thrown out a window, but aside from that, they’re fine.
My family doctor says “you really need to lose weight,” and my witch doctor says “moh ki kaa raa.” I think I’ll just moh ki kaa raa tbh.
My sister: can you believe that I’m pregnant again! Must be something in the air
Me: yeah your legs
Bad guys in the 80s all had helicopters. If you saw a chopper in the sky it was either a news copter or a greasy bad guy trying to kill Michael Knight.
The perfect tattoo doesn’t exi…
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
The easiest way to bust outta the joint is to methodically carve a bar of soap from a gun you purloined from a deputy, & then throw the fake soap onto the floor of your cell. When the guard comes to pick it up (it’s a safety hazard), simply run past them & away to the mountains
I hate when you forget to wear a belt and have to shoot heroin using the blood pressure machine at walgreens.
They always say “Take it one day at a time.” Like two is an option….
When my youngest brother was little he was being bullied and went to my parents for help. They told him “Sticks and stones may break my bones” they then asked him to finish the phrase and he said “but chains and whips excite me” he seriously thought that was he second part.
John: we need a new word for foolishness
Tom: How about johnfoolery lol
John: Ok that’s definitely what I’m writing down
Interviewer: [extends arm] hello
Me: [extends arm but hand is stuck in a Pringles can] hello
The sun really clocks out for the day before I do that’s insane
What in the hell is “disposable income”?
roses are black. so is my heart. me and fries. till death do us part.
Two things I learned this weekend are:
1. I’m not too old to get in a hammock.
2. I’m too old to get out of a hammock.
I once saw a lady called Rachel Smith-Smith on Facebook and I asked her why she didn’t just leave it and save herself the trouble at the DMV and she blocked me
All right stop, coagulate and thicken
Me: *making a snow angel*
Bartender: …ok, he’s cut off. Get him off the dance floor
What if gravity…was invented by the vacuum industry so there was always shit on the floor to clean up. Just hear me out tho.
Miss Pissy Face and Mr Crabby Pants in HR told me I am not allowed to make up nicknames for my co-workers anymore.
It’s ok to not have a Valentine on Valentine’s Day. I didn’t have a groundhog on Groundhog’s Day
Which of the f’s in ‘Jeff’ is silent?
Everyone hated math in high school, but when y’all get screwed on your pay check.
BOOM, suddenly you know algebra and calculus