2023 was just a warmup
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Both ‘Horrid’ and ‘Crummy’ are underrated descriptions. Teach your children Victorian adjectives and be eternally amused.
wordle is just figuring out who to put in the bunkers during the apocalypse so humans can start procreating after.
Ate at w pho restaurant and based on my waitress’ facial reaction I’m not sure if I asked for a fork or killed her entire family
What do the films Titanic and 6th Sense have in common?
Icy dead people….. please don’t unfollow me
I’m working on my second million, since I failed so much at the first.
I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.
last time I passed out on a Saturday night was when I sprayed too much bleach cleaner on the tub & forgot to open a window
i don’t see why i have to clean the shower. imo it is the shower’s job to clean me
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
[dinosaur heist movie]
*the expert triceratops safecracker spends 40 minutes unsuccessfully trying to put his ears up to the safe*
cops: neighbours reported sounds of a struggle
**i begin to weep as I glance at my skinny jeans**
Haunted Houses should be open year round. Some of us want to get chased with a chainsaw in January.
Have a blessed Friday, may it be filled with…
I asked my friend if he wanted a drink and he said to surprise him so I brought back a side salad.
I need a hobby. I’ve been over on Insta, commenting ‘what kind of dog is this?’ On people’s bird pics.
If I was Juliet I would of said something more like this: Romeo , Romeo! Wherefore art my pizza, Romeo!?
How your email finds me
I just turned my toaster upside down and dislodged 5 years’ worth of charred breakfast remnants and a single screw that I hope wasn’t important.
I once dated guy who talked so much about his ex-wife that I broke up with him and started dating her.
Anna: I think I’m turning into solid ice
Trolls: Sounds like it’s time for a 4-minute song and dance
Kristoff: She is literally dying
Trolls: We will deal with that AFTER the SONG
My cat just started kneading my back in bed and I said “not now” so wish us luck we’re officially married.
My parents were always subverting gender norms. Mom grilled. Dad watched lifetime movies. Both wept when I left the lasagna out all night.
*opens twitter*
*sees “Show me 2 photos of yourself that you like”*
*closes twitter*
How long can one listen to a kid talk before it’s officially considered a hostage situation?
the dominos pizza tracker says alfred is quality checking my order but alfred also made it. isn’t this a conflict of interest
[looking disappointed at the playboy mansion]
i was told there’d be bunnies
I’ve never actually seen mistletoe in real life. It is an outdated tradition, or do people just take it down when they know I’m visiting?