2024 has been a rough few years
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No thanks, cosmetics lady. I’m years past ‘bare & natural’. Save us both some time & show me the stuff you’d need to prep & refinish a wall.
[in class]
Me: hey, can I borrow a pen?
Guy: sure, black or blue?
Me [sweating & swelling up]: you got one for bee stings?
Caveman 1: Tell me a story.
Caveman 2: Once upon a time….
Caveman 1: Woah you lost me!
Tis the season where I eat and drink everything in sight and am then shocked and dismayed when my pants are too tight.
If you put on a really cute outfit you can walk around a nightclub selling people drinks that you find on tables.
Welcome to adulthood. Your body now crackles like a carnival glow stick when you get up.
As suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.
The plot thickens.
casting director: can you play a Canadian?
me: eh?
casting director: [under breath] holy shit
My parenting style is best described as “No” with a side of “Ugh. Fine, but please don’t hurt yourself.”
a gay boyfriend is kinda like a brother you have sex with
😤😤
Goodyear: tires
Badyear: 2020
Kissing: first base
Under shirt stuff: second base
Under pants stuff: third base
Taking two to make a thing go right: Rob Bass
My favorite part of The Lion King is the part where Nicki Minaj held up baby Simba.
“Your call is important to us”
[67 minutes later]
“Your call is important to us”
[hold music]
Alanis: it’s like raaaaaiin 🎵
[A field]
*An elderly Louie Pasteur and I sit among the clover, I hold a shotgun*
Me: It’s time to put you out to pasture. *Cocks shotgun*
dentist: the guy in the waiting room says your mother is ugly
patient: he doesn’t even know my mom
dentist: maybe you should punch him in the teeth
i don’t delete messages just incase someone wanna lie about may 20th 1984
I’m going to get some steel wool so I can crochet myself a new car.
If I’m ever on COPS it would be titled “When Suspects Attempt To Pet The Police Dog.”
God: “MOSES. THIS IS THE LORD. I HAVE NEWS FOR YOUR PEOPLE.”
Moses: “New burning bush. Who dis?”
broke my arm doing a trust fall during a team building zoom meeting
date: [pulls away from kissing] let’s move this to your bed
me: [sitting on a futon] you’re not gonna believe this
Oh good, a gift card to Arby’s.
*waits for their birthday*
Them: Thanks Aimee for the…
*opens box*
(cat hair pasted to paper & framed)
Show me someone who doesn’t talk back to the TV and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t watch sports or the news.
IKEA violently attacking me for not having any friends
Me: I’ll have a Dr.Pepper.
Waiter: Is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: Is he a doctor?
Once a year there is a public event at my old job that I dress in cosplay for and walk around incognito taking pictures of everything that looks terrible to send to my old coworkers.
they say you swallow 8 spiders each year, but what they don’t tell you is that it hits harder if you crush and then snort them
Adding urine to your compost is a great way to add nitrogen to the soil AND get a restraining order from the neighbors.