2024 has been a rough few years
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timmy was starting to wonder just how badly he really wanted that archery badge
Predator taking off his mask, but it’s me removing the filters from my selfies.
Pro tip:
Win every food fight by throwing heavy, dense frozen items.
WIFE: I just read an article on why women live longer than men.
ME: *trying to do a handstand in the shower* WHAT’S THAT BABE??
[1st day working at bank]
BOSS: What are you doing??
ME: I gave that man a personal loan.
BOSS: YOU’RE THE JANITOR
[me in a zombie apocalypse] okay I think this is a zombie but I don’t want to be rude and presume anything, maybe this lady is just having a rough day, aren’t we all, haha, I’ll just try to go about my business, okay no she’s definitely biting me
Them: You should spend time with the ones you love. You never know when they’ll be taken from you.
Me: You’re absolutely right.
[buys the concert tickets]
Prank: if you’re standing at a busy intersection light beside a guy staring at his phone take 2 steps forward & see if he walks into traffic
A kebab made by a librarian is a
Shhhhhish kebab
#RubbishJokes #KebabDay
#FridayVibe
accidentally said “you too” when the waiter told me to enjoy my meal so he sat down with me and we had a very pleasant evening
Remember, smoking doesn’t kill people. People who are trying to quit smoking kill people.
After you hit the snooze button five times, the alarm clock should start reciting your Google seach entries at full volume.
My boyfriend wanted a serious relationship so we stopped smiling at each other.
On a packed bus googling “how to tell the person sitting next to you that you love them”
I respected tiger sharks a lot more after I realized how many hurdles tigers and sharks had to overcome to breed with each other.
You can’t ask your friends to pack all their lavender clothes in a go bag and come to a secluded cabin and then brand them with an unintelligible symbol without someone getting needlessly suspicious that it’s the beginning of a cult
“I have to eat every 7 minutes or I get cranky.”
“Ma’am, that’s not a valid reason to be excused from jury duty.”
Executioner: last words?
Me: pop
Executioner: we say soda here
Me:
Executioner: say soda
Warden: bro it’s LAST words he won’t-
Executioner: I’M NOT PULLING TIL HE SAYS SODA
Airlines: Your ticket is $300. Oh, you would like to bring clothes with you? How extravagant! That will be an additional $50.
There should be a good 15 hours in between waking up and having to interact with people.
me: let’s get some gorilla glue
horse: oh thank god
Went to Vegas and all I came back with was 5 extra pounds and a key chain.
Save money by sending the same unopened applesauce cup in your kid’s lunch all week, follow me for more financial tips
There’s a fire burning in my heart, no wait, it’s acid reflux, carry on.
“Then, the handsome prince sees her dead body laying there and has to kiss her.”
“Ummm, what?”
“Trust me, the kids will love it.”
If ever a burglar entered my house, I take comfort in knowing they’d never get past the 17 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
Win every disagreement by saying ” I know. I’m from the future.” Because they can argue with you, but not science.
British people react to the @BBC posting baseball content on twitter… 😭
My little niece ate her chocolate Easter bunny’s face because she “didn’t like the way it was looking at her”
I’m locking my bedroom door tonight