Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

New research reveals that “the printer’s not working” is the third most common English phrase, right behind “thank you” and “go f*** yourself”

I’ve finally found a book that speaks to me. I believe it’s called an “audiobook”.

My super power is getting offended when someone tells me to write something down so I don’t forget it, then forgetting it 5 seconds later.

Me: I spent HALF as much as YOU usually do on groceries.

Wife: Congratulations.

[2 hours later]

Me: We have nothing to eat in this house.

Dec 24: Christmas Eve
Dec 25: Christmas Day
Dec 26: Boxing Day
Dec 27-30: Every day feels like a Sunday, proof that time is a social construct
Dec 31: New Year’s Eve
Jan 1: New Year’s Day
Jan 2: Reality hits

Someone once told me that women are like books, and they were right: they have names and spines, and there’s some in the library.

reviewed some movies recently

Brought a stapler to a gun fight and now everyone is neatly organized into piles of corpses and sorted by height. The police will be pleased

Travel Tips
1. Pack light
2. Dress comfortably
3. Bring a book
4. Anything can happen
5. You’ll probably get killed
6. Don’t leave the house

me: wanna go on a date tomorrow?
him: sure how about 8?
me: slow down. i was thinking we’d try the one first

If you want to romance me, take me to a nice restaurant with good climate control, but not too fancy. I want to wear my jeans and sneakers. Ok just take me to McDonald’s. It’s my second home.

Gift cards are another way of saying, don’t spend this on dope.

Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
Child: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI

CREEPY DUDE: I’ll give you some candy if you get in the van.

HANSEL: He seems nice.

GRETEL: I’m starting to think you wanna die.

I see you posted a photograph of snow with the caption “it’s cold” could you tell me more about that

The average tiktok video is 24 seconds and let’s just say I can relate

i’ll see you in court (at the marriage registry) (i love you)

Hubs: How mean of my wife to teach the kid to hide my stuff at exact place it is supposed to be

Will I ever be a good parent?
*shakes baby*
Wait a minute, if you’re here
[cut to Magic 8-Ball in crib]

I just flashed a goofy smile at the guy coming out of the bathroom at the coffee place because thought it was my husband. Then, to make it less awkward I said, “sorry you’re not my husband”.

Me: *takes 20 min to get wrapped up in blankets and finally get comfy on the couch in front of the heater*

Also me: *I gotta pee*

KIDNAPPER: get in the trunk

ME: but this tree is so tiny

Instead of the little blue bird Twitter should have used a rooster for it’s emblem.

What could represent this place better than a creature that starts screaming every time a new day begins?

When I used to drink, by this time on a weekend y’all would’ve already seen me mostly naked. Y’all should be especially thankful for my sobriety.

Wife: our daughter can’t find her physics book.

Me: just tell her to use the force lol.

Wife:

Me:

Wife: you took it so you could make a Star Wars joke didn’t you?

Me: I find your lack of faith disturbing.

anybody is allowed to send me $1,400 it doesn’t have to just be the government

Friend: If you love cheeseburgers so much, why don’t you marry one?!

*looks at wife, wife shakes her head

Me: I’m not allowed

*kicks dirt

Getting picked last for kickball every time didn’t affect me at all. In fact, I barely remember it now, 51 years and seven months later.

You’re eating Cheetos on the couch and playing a video game. Your “battle cry” isn’t striking fear into the heart of anyone but the dog.

There are hospitals for the criminally insane. And then there are parliaments for the insanely criminal.