Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I gave up sugar for Lent, I didn’t know I was also giving up travel, sex, human interaction, public gatherings, movies, drinking alone, peace of mind and sanity. I want sugar back.

Me: To the window; to the wall.

Realtor: Just to be clear we are discussing your house showing.

While hiking last May, a lesbian deer told me she’s unsure of her sexual preference. Not a gay doe’s bi that I don’t think about it.

Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?

Me: They’re for my meeting at work.

Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?

Me: And?

The world’s oldest person has died. Now they’ll be looking for a replacement, but if you’re offered the job, turn it down. It’s highly dangerous and there are way too many fatalities.

If you’re wondering how motherhood is going, I’m watching a TV show and someone is in traction with a full body cast and I sighed and said “That looks so relaxing”

A little baby Yoda in my life
A little baby Yoda by my side
A little baby Yoda is all I need
A little baby Yoda is what I see

Mandalorian Number Five

mom, did you know there are more kids than teachers at my school?

-my 7 year old making the best of her public education

[submarine]
captain: why can’t we submerge?!
stowaway jesus: lol

English, if I ran it:
A group of geese is called a “group”
A group of buffalo is called a “group”
A group of catfish is called a “group”

I’m surprised so few people ask me why I’m carrying a cudgel around.

I hop around on one foot a lot because the other foot is usually in my mouth.

My 10 year-old nephew is learning about Argentina, so I told him about all the great wines they make down there, and this, my friends, is how you get out of after-school pickups.

Freddie Mercury: I’m just a poor boy, nobody loves me

Chorus of Dads: HI JUST A POOR BOY, I’M DAD! SPARE HIM HIS LIFE FROM THIS MONSTROSITY

the first 10 minutes of going to anyone’s place in LA is them trying to calm down their dog while telling you this never happens

Server: What kind of sauce do you want for your pasta?

15: The tears of my enemies…

Kids are fun.

Relationship status: I’m about to go put on my camouflage pants so my family can’t find me on the couch.

Hey, guy playing video games and ignoring your hot girlfriend…Are you gonna eat that?

Maybe Bowser is mad at Mario because he’s terrible at plumbing, flooded with castle with lava, and left exposed unfinished pipes everywhere…

I get it February, I can only leap about once every four years too.

CRYING

if you find a corpse and nobody claims it in three days, well, free corpse

Mom, can you come pick me up? I’m at a party and someone is coughing.

It’s always good to tell people to “stay safe” during a distaster just in case they didn’t know.

[Driving w/date in car]

Date [turns radio to country]

Me [reaches over date, opens passenger door] This isn’t working. [Hits eject button]

Love seeing my kids’ faces when we go for ice cream and I order a single scoop of butter pecan. They’re like dang, dad even makes ice cream lame.

9-year old: Dad smell this. You licked a puss.

Me: [mutes TV] what

9-year old: it’s so good. Smell it. You licked a puss.

Me: …

9-year old: [hands me a candle jar]

Me. It’s *eucalyptus*

80% of arguments start because someone hasn’t eaten yet.

the way this pissed me off… 😭

my coworker threw a paper airplane at me and i was like “on today of all days 😟?” and she looked at me like this