Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

And then come the thinkpieces. “ARE Cats Really iPhones?” “Why Telling People Who Think Cats Are iPhones They’re Wrong Isn’t the Answer”

Me: *tries to sneak a pic of someone but forgets flash is on

Did you just take my picture?

Me: *starts to make thunder noises

People say I’m hard to get hold of but my fax machine is always on.

anywhere a walkable city if u broke enough

Him: How much do you love me?

Me: A bit more than pizza.

Him:

Me: But not as much as coffee.

When we were dating my wife never once tried to take any of my hoodies. I have 3 teenage daughters and my hoodies are nowhere to be found.

I never saw it coming. Well played ladies.

My twins both have hiccups at the same time and I’m over here hoping it’s not the eighth sign of the apocalypse

Supermassive Black Hole
Or what others call pizza night

Don’t tell me I’m not charitable. This weekend I gave away a lawn mower, a grill, and a full set of patio furniture.

My neighbor is PISSED.

I’m glad school taught me the Pythagorean theorem instead of how to do my taxes. It came in really handy this Pythagorean theorem season. 🇺🇸

Nan swears blind she heard a miaowing from next door’s garden. She miaowed back.
The cat miaowed.
She miaowed back.
This continued for minutes.
She walks down the garden to the end.
Looks over the fence.
Still miaowing.
Sees her neighbour miaowing back at her.

Aquarium managers: This is now a completely smoke-free facility.

Puffer fish: Dammit.

Newlywed: We can overcome anything, cause we’re in love!

10 yrs later: If he leaves time on the microwave again I’m gonna set him on fire.

I put on my Godzilla costume, then go to the miniature golf course to beat up the windmill.

You’re a guy, therefore you can’t “hehehehe”.

*feels the music*

Music: “ew. no.”

The hardest part about going through a divorce is finding a hitman you can trust.

Just took an antibiotic and a probiotic and now my body will fight itself to the death!

*Lips to mike
Mike: Do I know you?

I milked the cow

“We don’t have a cow”

the neighbors’ cow then

“Their cat?”

Pretty sure it was a cow he was saying moo

“Meow”

Ah shoot

Just like Hitler with the tiny mustache, Kim Jong-Un is ruining that haircut for everyone else.

Nothing moves faster than a dog who hears you looking at a bag of chips

The FBI’s security gets penetrated so often that we should make it an honorary Kardashian.

My ‘Mom Voice’ was so loud even the neighbors washed their hands and cleaned their rooms.

Jokes on all you idiots hoarding toilet paper, I’ve been hoarding fast food napkins FOREVER so I am SET.

Boss: You gonna get any work done today?

Me: Sorry Boss, I was up late watching the game, I’ll pick it up.

B: Who won?

M: Jack Daniels

My wife and I have to put drops in the cat’s eye before we go to work. Just in case you see a headline like “Couple mauled to death by two pound kitten” tomorrow

I love hot cross buns. There should be more cakes inspired by the death penalty.

-My cat will ONLY drink from a slightly running faucet and she rubs her gums along the side of it.That’s the faucet I brush my teeth from. So basically I’ve made out with my cat.

Therapist: [Puts her pen down. Rubs the bridge of her nose]

KID IN PARK [crying] I think my mum might of left me here

ME: Oh no!

WIFE: Talk to him

ME: Hey, listen kid *kneels down* it’s might HAVE