Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband just made me watch a documentary about pizza while I can’t get pizza delivered and this is why the divorce rate is going to be so high after this shit

I will never think of rock paper scissors the same way again.

https://video.twimg.com/ext_tw_video/1555137110294003713/pu/vid/360x360/8vwEaFZxGNcn673D.mp4?tag=12

I don’t know why these ingrates at the corn maze are so upset. All I did was lead them to safety with these two hands and a machete.

I can’t believe the atomic bomb was dropped from a plane. How the hell did that get through airport security

4: Mama, I’m not feeling so good.

Me: What’s wrong baby girl?

4: I haven’t had spaghetti for so long my stomach misses it. Listen, *puffs up belly* you can hear my tummy cry.

What if Jesus was so chill because he was the only person alive unburdened by the knowledge that his parents had sex?

I’m awfully single for someone who lost their virginity 7 times in high school

is it earth

Me: I’ll just take a regular bikini wax. Or should I go Brazilian? What do you think?

Nurse: Ma’am, I’m just here to take out your catheter.

[interview]
BOSS: How many words can you type a minute?
ME: Probably all of them
BOSS: What do you mean?
ME: Well, like for example, pickle

wife: im sick of him jeopardizing our marriage
therapist: how do you respond to that kyle?
me: ill take susan is being a huge baby for $600

He died doing what he loved; shouting ‘boo!’ behind horses.

Little Red Riding Hood is my favorite story about an idiot who can’t tell the difference between a human and a wolf.

[at the office]

Secretary: There’s a fax here for you.

Me: When did it arrive?

Secretary: 1983.

Me: Great. Let me know when the pony express pulls up with the mail from 1861.

Me: I won’t force religion on my child

Also me: *decorates 3’s room in all Marvel stuff*

Got fired from my job as a museum guide for telling everyone the statues are all Medusa’s ex-boyfriends.

warning lights and gentle chimes are not enough, when my car is low on gas I need it to punch me in the face

The Constitution has barely been altered in 200 years, but my $300 textbook is worth $0.82 bc they came out with a new edition mid-semester.

Pro: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.

Con: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.

Me: Know any potato jokes?

My husband: What has eyes but cannot see?

My six year old: What has eyes but cannot see? A blind person. That’s so obvious.

My 5 year old is going to be a witch for Halloween. But she doesn’t want to wear a hat. No wig, either. The black dress? Too itchy. Oh, and she’s not down with green makeup. The only part of the costume she likes is the broom. My 5 year old is going to be a janitor for Halloween.

A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up along side them and say “I think we lost them.”

throwing someone under the bus sounds hard, let’s just sell ’em down the river and call it a day.

i asked my dad to send me a photo of his passport and he sent me a photo of the front of his closed passport

wife:Gotta go. You guys gonna be ok?
me [making my Pop-Tart pop out of the toaster and trying to catch it] Come on!
wife:9, you’re in charge

Date: Let’s exchange numbers
Me: Won’t that confuse people who try to call us?

There’s a certain kind of voodoo involved when it takes forever to lose 5 pounds, and only one cupcake to gain it back.

Are they Milk Duds? Cuz I’m definitely not getting in your van for some stupid Milk Duds.

People who play golf don’t concern me nearly as much as the people who watch it

I need to stop by the Walmart pharmacy to get some antidepressants because of how much I just spent at Walmart.