Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

when I put “???” In a conversation, this is exactly my face behind the phone lol

Please stop telling dirty jokes at the office. It’s inappropriate, and you’re talking too softly for me to hear the punchlines.

i’m so bad at rock-paper-scissors, last time i accidently joined a street gang.

ME: this is Inky my pet octopus, Stompy my elephant and Mr Butters my horse

FRIEND: the horse isn’t Hoofy or something?

ME: grow up Kalvin

Kidnapper: [on phone] we have your son.

Wife: actually I’m holding my son.

Kidnapper: [getting frustrated] then who the heck just asked for chocolate milk with a straw and made us cut the crust off his PB&J?

Wife: oh god.

Kidnapper: what?

Wife. you have my husband.

boss: why are you so late?

me: why are you so obsessed with me?

My wife had a tick on her. It wasn’t attached though. The whole thing was very zen

[Considering whether a recipe is easy enough to attempt]

Recipe: First, finely chop—
Me: I’m out.

I hate when I make a joke and everyone says, “Too soon.”
I’m sorry, if I wait any longer the funeral will be over.

Me: I’m gonna search the periodic table for relief from my cramps haha get it?

Him: Actually there are elements that can help. Magnesium for example is calming and-

Me: What’s the symbol for arsenic?

Playing Rugby is a great way to meet new people, Paramedic’s … Nurses,…Orthopedic Surgeons.

Went to the dentist today. My teeth are fine. I just wanted to hear some of my songs.

Let’s play doctor. You tell me about your chronic pain, and I’ll stare at a laptop the whole time, then recommend you lose weight.

This is bullshit!

I asked for a “Happy Ending” at an Asian massage parlor, & now she’s dressed like Snow White, expecting me to marry her.

The 90s were wild. Scientists actually “cloned a sheep” as if we could tell sheep apart in the first place.

when i get married im gonna send invitations to my enemies that have minus ones on them so they’ll know about the wedding but won’t be allowed to go

2.5 hours into self quarantine: *gains 10 lbs

Other than that, Carrie, how was the prom?

HER: so I hear you’re a runner

ME: yes

OTHER COP: *handcuffs me to the desk* good to know

oh you like bad boys? well sometimes i cite articles i’ve only skimmed

[Me as a Sunday school teacher]

…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.

Incase you didn’t hear the look I just gave you,

Shut up.

The first sin in the Bible was eating an apple. The second was murder. That escalated quickly.

While those 2 guys at the bar were just fantasizing about what they’d do with powerball winnings, I stole their ticket.

My toddler gets pretty impatient with me for someone who takes 45 minutes to eat an egg.

I’m eating the potato off my 3yr old’s French Fries because he doesn’t like potato, in case you wondered if parenting was right for you

interviewer: what’s your greatest strength
me: you tell me
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: delegating?
me: that’s right

NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: whats that big wooden boat ur building
NOAH: it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: idk looks like a boat to me
NOAH: well it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: haha ok guy have fun with the boat
NOAH: have fun drowning
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: what
NOAH: what

Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.

I’ve requested to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti so that a future archeologist will have one awesome day at work.