Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Throws caution into the wind.
Comes back and hits me in the face.

[wife frantically searching the house]

Have you seen the kids, I’ve looked everywhere

[me napping on couch]

OMG HOW LONG HAVE WE HAD KIDS

Two things I have learned at the beach:

1. Surfers are some of the nicest humans on the planet

2. Pelicans are the honey badgers of the bird world. If you’re standing next to a fish in the ocean, they don’t care one bit. They’ll dive & splash one foot from you & eat that fish.

No sound cuts through the ambiance of a fine dining restaurant quite like the unmistakable noise of my wallet being unvelcroed

Wife [returns home] have you eaten
Me: have you eaten

Wife: are you copying me?!
Me: are you copying me

Wife: I Love You
Me: I already ate

I noticed my mouse problem is back an I yelled at my cats for being lazy and not doing their job like I was in a Tom and Jerry cartoon

“our sushi is very fresh”

Wishing everyone peace, love, and happiness in the new year. And if you’ve ever done me wrong, a touch of chlamydia.

Week days: I can’t wait to spend time with the kids this weekend. A movie night sounds amazing!

Weekend: Stop fighting and pick a movie! Why is there popcorn all over the floor?! WHAT DID I JUST SIT IN?! IS IT MONDAY YET?!

ladies if you’re bored and itching to fight ask him if he’d still love you if you were deathly allergic to love

My nana sleeps about four hours a night. That’s four whole hours I can use her wig to train my owl.

Hairless cats look like the devil screwed up a possession.

every day I think about the girl who thought everyone could “hear the universe’s energy” and it turned out she just had tinnitus, I hope she’s doing well

Oh to be a woman in the 1800s, diagnosed with hysteria and getting a lobotomy

Saw a homeless white girl begging for money. I didn’t give her any, because I know how they are, always blowing it on Starbucks.

I wonder how smart I’d be if my brain were as good at remembering anything as it is at remembering every humiliating thing I’ve ever done

The only thing that can stop a bad guy with a hot glue gun is a good guy with a hot glue gun.

90% of life is just having the courage to show up.

The other 30% is just checking the math.

Me watching someone get cooked by the timeline for an opinion i agree with

If you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone then I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words.

I take issue with furniture that deliberately moves 1 inch when you’re in a rush to get by.

I got a squished spider tattooed on the palm of my hand so I can walk around slapping people, no questions asked.

Dandelions are just like regular lions, except they wear ascots.

You are all invited to my murder shed, I mean my shed

According to my credit card statement Amazon is a hobby

My son curses like I make love. He has no idea how to do it and someone usually yells at him and tells him to stop before he’s finished.

robber: empty the register, no funny business

joke store owner: oh no

My girlfriend [31f] doesn’t know how to count months and it’s actually causing problems in our relationship [31m]

The ’90s were a time of blissful ignorance where we expected rock stars to sleep with groupies.