Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I imagine hooking up with you would be like asparagus. I’d forget you quickly but be reminded every time I pee.

Yoda, seeing himself in 4K:

HDMI

If I was a marriage counselor I would just make the couple look at a dating website for 20 minutes.

me: THAT’S IT YOU’RE GROUNDED
son: [shrugs]
me: U LOSE UR PHONE
son: ok
me: AND UR COMPUTER
son: whatever
me: AND…AND…
son: [smirks]
me: NO GRAVITY FOR A WEEK
son: wait, no- [smacks into ceiling]

Mortal Kombat Announcer: FINISH HIM

Scorpion: it helps if u choke me a little

C’mon, when have I ever let you down? That was rhetorical, actually. Yes, that is a lot. Wow, did not expect you to bring out a chalkboard.

Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.

I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!

Sometimes I answer the door in a towel when I get an Amazon delivery. Even if I’m wearing clothes underneath.

[Batman’s parents return after 40 years]
Surprise!! Wait, wtf are you wearing?

Brad Pitt wears a skirt and he breaks the internet. I wear one and the HOA is all, “Cease and desist!” and “You’re hurting our eyeballs!” and “You are uninvited to the pancake breakfast!”

When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, he gave me a blank stair.

127 hours but when he finally cuts his arm it’s a cake

Ok now I can see why they say a dog is a MAN’S best friend. Just asked my dog what he thought of my new boots and it’s like he doesn’t even give a shit.

OTHER KIDS IN RESTAURANT: Restlessly coloring on a placemat waiting for food.
MY KIDS: Have already flipped over a booth & set it on fire.

how come kids always get lice but you never hear about adults getting lice. no workplace ever brings the lice inspection lady in to check the office. no one comes home from work like “sorry honey. tim on the fifth floor gave everyone lice again”

I’m slightly concerned my answer for everything is masturbation. Can’t sleep? Masturbate. Poor? Masturbate. Lost the remote? Go for it.

I’d be fine with a ghost living with me if each time a bloody message appeared it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR

“Please stop that.” -person who witnessed first guy beatboxing

not seeing the problem

Do regular dogs see poilce dogs and think “oh shit it’s the cops let’s run.”

The vegetable crisper or as I call it, the cold garbage can.

Sing it!

Who else looks for the closest parking spot at the gym? I need to save my energy for inside.

Just spent 3 hours doing yard work *

* Looking for my gloves in the shed

It’s ok to laugh during sex…just don’t point.

My kid told me the book we were reading was fiction, and the reason he knows that is because dragons don’t eat tacos, they eat meat

MRI machines don’t have to be that loud. They just don’t want you to hear the radiology tech gasp.

I hope this tweet finds you in contact with reality.

I think the 2 yr old is ready to watch Texas Chainsaw Massacre

I just released my own fragrance.

Now everyone in the car is pissed off.