Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If someone steals your joke, you have to file a LOLsuit

I’ll be signing books at Barnes & Noble from 6 p.m. to whenever they kick me out for ruining all their books.

lol

sad day today because:

1. my fish in the aquarium is missing.
2. my cat won’t eat his dinner.

So few educational toys today! As a kid, my Tonka dump truck taught me not to pinch the shit out of my finger between two metal parts.

I left my kid in daycare an extra half hour so I could eat Doritos without sharing and I have absolutely no regrets about this

this guy with binoculars has been watching me watch him with binoculars and i don’t know who’s winning

don’t let anyone tell you, you can’t do something. show them you can’t.

Did anyone else always “help” their dad as a kid but do nothing at all? I even had a wee jumpsuit for oil changes, but I did nothing but yap the whole time. God saw a quiet man in my father and said give him a daughter that talks enough for the both of them.

I hope I never have to produce an alibi…cause eating salsa in bed with my cat every night would never hold up in court.

Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.

Been trying to pair my new phone with the Bluetooth in the car and I think it’s easier to get pandas to mate.

CAT: Hey, sorry about puking on your pillow

SCHRÖDINGER {busy}: Yeah, whatever

CAT: So uh…what’s the box for?

ROOMBA: I pick up anything

ME: [throwing it my car keys] Great, my kids are done with school at 3:30

ROOMBA: No wait-

[45 minutes later]

ROOMBA: You learn anything new today?

My friend and I had a running joke. She said let’s do a marathon and then we both laughed.

Twitter yesterday: We are outraged about the lion!
Twitter today: We are outraged about the outrage about the lion!

Her: Are you getting off early today?

Me: THAT HAPPENED ONE TIME!

So Nickelback is playing a flood relief concert for Alberta. Like those folks haven’t suffered enough.

[slowly rises from trashcan while 2 friends are making plans without me]
i am also free that day.

BILBO: *Blows smoke ring*

GANDALF: *Blows smoke ship that goes through smoke ring*

BILBO: It’s okay to just let some things be about other people.

I’m the hottest mom hiding from her family in this pantry right now.

A shocking amount of parenthood is knowing which kid you’ll need to keep out of jail.

If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.

wife: I wish you were more romantic
me *starts biting the chicken nugget I’m eating into the shape of a heart*

If you try to rip somebody’s head off, I suggest you train for it first. If you don’t succeed it makes the following few minutes awkward.

If Keenan and Kel decide
That they both are satisfied
And illuminate the no
On their Good Burger sign

I guess my package was delivered by Disney animals

Mom: *points to my yearbook photo* What a nerd, right?

BF: Haha your hair!

Me: *quietly* It was raining the day we took faculty pictures

ME: Excuse me…Where’s the rowing boat equipment?
EMPLOYEE: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME: Or you’ll what?