2024 is gonna be better i can feel it in my bones nope that’s the osteoporosis nvm 😭
You Might Also Like
[at a bar]
CUTE GIRL: *grabs my arm* hey there
ME: *mouth full of food* did you know a lobster on a kabob is called a kablobster
Trying to convince a kid, no matter the age, that they’re tired, is like trying to tell a drunk they’re drunk. Denial & anger will follow.
Just go ahead and put “She always had to pee” on my tombstone, because that’s how everyone’s going to remember me.
Walking around the house looking for my coffee that’s already in my hand doesn’t mean I’m losing my mind.
It means I’m a parent.
two things can be true at once. for instance, I love my children more than anything, and I am also constantly counting the hours until bedtime to the goddamn second
Cashier: sir the conveyor belt isn’t meant for riding
Me: I- I gotta know
Cashier: know what?
Me: *sighs* what I’m really worth.
scan me
Whoever robbed the archery store, take a bow.
for $8 a month i should never have to stop at a red light again
Boomers: People are too sensitive and need to toughen up
Millennials: People need to care more and help each other out
Gen X: Die Hard is a Christmas movie
At the zoo, you have to drag me away from the otter pool. The promise of a soft pretzel usually does it.
when you are just born a rebel
Tax return hit so you know what that means… Yeah, I got egg money now.
Politics is so confrontational now. I miss the old days, when we settled our differences with *raises glasses to look at history book* war
I’m a go getter
And right now I’m a go getter nap
(Date)
ME: Watch this *ties cherry stem with tongue*
HER: *giggles*
1-UP WALLY: *places Rubik’s cube in mouth and pulls it out solved*
HEY TWITTER IF I WANTED 10,000 CHARACTERS THAT I WASN’T INTERESTED IN I WOULD START WATCHING GAME OF THRONES
Kids, stay in school and get a good degree so you can spend 40% of your life on conference calls
[Calls date]
[Muffled] I can’t make tonight
“Why?”
Cuz I..um.. [sound of me tumbling out of a dryer] OH THANK GOD
“What?”
NOTHIN. See u at 9
Parents who are afraid that giving teenagers condoms will just ensure they have sex to use them have obviously never owned a bread maker.
The male version of pamphlets are jimphlets, thank you for your time
a self-checkout line with 0 mirrors what a joke
You’re ugly for a reason: God is challenging you to get girls on hard mode. #motivationalmike
Love is always patient and kind.
I once tried playing tennis with a cymbal but it made a terrible racket
me: i have good and bad news
her: bad first
me: there’s a dead body in the woods near the train tracks
her: what’s the good news
me: i found waldo
@SICKOFWOLVES @funTweeters Can you drive a school bus?
I forgot the word “torch” earlier today so I googled “fire on a stick.” I have two degrees in English.
It’s hard to dial for help when you have two Pringles cans jammed on your hands again
My 3yo (who is extremely clean for a toddler) keeps crying at mealtimes because “I don’t like watching the baby eat, she’s so messy” and honestly, same
parrots can literally talk, why is everyone so ok with it