Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If your pee smells like burnt toast it’s time to get some new pee.

“We don’t have iced coffee”
Me: “You have coffee?”
“Yes”
Me: “You have ice?”
“Yes”
Me: “Were you raised in a barn?”

I found something called bath bombs in the cabinet and honestly I had no idea we were even at war with the tub

Never lose touch with your inner Wednesday Addams.

Doctor: Your son needs a kidney transplant

My mom: K, he NEEDS or he WANTS one?

My husband has been making pancakes and eggs for breakfast every morning and my kids are becoming accustomed to a standard I am not prepared to maintain after he returns to work.

The kids I babysit wanted to watch Coco but I said we couldn’t because I would cry, so then they asked to watch Moana instead and I said that movie also makes me cry and this child just looks at me and says, “I don’t think it’s a problem with the movies”.

Me: it’s about the journey not the destination

Patient: [bleeding out] I want a different ambulance driver

I opened the fridge door, but something inside slammed it shut. It’s going to be Uber Eats until we can move out.

Spider van
Spider van
How do spiders drive a van?
10 on top
10 below
Where would you like to go?
Get in.
Get in the Spider Van.

Are you there God? It’s me, Margaret.

YES MY CHILD

Great! Amway is the largest multi-level marketing company worldwide. Our products range

“I got in a fight at Michaels over glitter glue once, so you should probably step aside.”

-Me, to a guy buying the last of my favorite wine

*whips out a pen for a sword fight*
“ok timeout. nope, this doesn’t feel mightier at all.”

My five-year-old daughters noisily broke into my office during class. I tried to scoop them out on my own but failed. Went to the door to call for help and THEY LOCKED THE DOOR BEHIND ME and had a five-minute conversation with my students while I rambled on about “consequences.”

WIFE: Shouldn’t you be at work?

ME: I took care of it.

BOSS: [to the cardboard cutout of Shaq with my face glued on it]
Nice work today.

A short story about romance.

10% awake: monsters are real!!!
60%: do we have rats?
100%: goddamn that cat

my ex-girlfriend walks by with her new man and he’s talking loudly about muskrats. I used to talk loudly about muskrats

A police lineup, but you have to recognize your dad’s sneeze.

dispatch, i’m on scene here in the woods. victims name is fudd. damnedest thing i ever seen. his rifle’s bent so the barrel was pointin back at him. witness said a rabbit run off right after the shot. yeah his head is off at the shoulders, clean. get me next of kin if ya can.

holiday horror movie idea: you have 10 days to complete a completely reasonable task that takes 20 minutes to do

We’ve all heard the peanut butter debate, but what about mayo? Smooth or Crunchy?

Whenever someone asks me “ what do your tattoos mean?” I just say “garlic bread” . The end.

Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”

She asked “Which one?”

Me “William, HELLO!”

The closest I am to my hunter-gatherer ancestors is when I am gutting an Amazon package.

Starbucks this morning looks like a scene from “The Walking Dead.”

I’m walking around the hotel this morning with a briefcase handcuffed to my wrist.

It’s a great way to meet chicks.

If I knew I was going to have to homeschool my kids, I would have made sure my husband used a condom.

While not illegal, it is generally frowned upon to follow behind someone and play your travel harmonica synced to their footsteps.