2024 is gonna be better i can feel it in my bones nope that’s the osteoporosis nvm 😭
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*first date*
Her: So what animal would you be?
Me: Oh a cat for sure!
Her: Aw cute!
(Later that night)
Me: *stood next to a closed door screaming at the top of my lungs*
Her: …Ok considerably less cute.
My kid is having a rock sale at the park because ‘everyone sells lemonade but no one sells rocks’.
[First Date]
Me: “I’m afraid I don’t trust myself around you”
Her (flirtatiously): “Oh, stop it”
Me: “I bought a laptop on your credit card while you were in the bathroom.”
I’m not saying Goldilocks was a piece of shit, but she broke into someone’s house and just started eating their breakfast.
Every time I go to Baskin-Robbins their hamburger machine is broken.
Finding out how big of a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles fan I truly am was understandably pretty tough for my daughters, Raphael & Leonardo.
ME: Gosh it’s murderously hot today.
CLIMATE: *under breath* Shit they’re onto me.
Learn to ask more specific questions. It’s not “How do I look?” It’s “Do I look good enough people are surprised I married you?”
my kid: cries cause youtube went down and he can’t watch gamer vids
me: chill out omg. The internet isn’t life.
Also me: TWITTER WTF IS THIS RETWEET QUOTE CRAP?!! I CANT LIVE LIKE THIS.
People are always like “you’re so crazy” and I’m all like “please take off the restraints, I promise I won’t do it again”.
Is this your resume?
“Yep”
It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away
“Oh yes”
Welcome to UPS!
He asked me to do something freaky in the bedroom so I stayed awake for two days
thanksgiving in nutshell
Sorry to interrupt your party, but I’m a little drunk and need to do the worm across your living room floor.
*Gets 20 Year High School Reunion Invite in mail*
I’m not going to this shit, that’s what Facebook is for.
*reads ‘open bar’*
Aaaand I’m in.
The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. That’s why it’s crazy for me to go to work
[getting yelled at by a stranger] whatever you’re just mad because i’m in your chimney
Just saw a mail truck drive by on a Sunday, I assume it was full of either FBI agents or jewel thieves
I’m starting to think the girl in Madonna’s “Material Girl” is only interested in guys for their money, and not for who they are on the inside.
“MAKE GOOD CHOICES!!”, I screamed from inside the cop car
New cyclist: I have a new $3k bike, what else do I need
Bike shop: [pulling out the stupidest looking outfit they can find] this
I bet the best part of being in your 70s is you get to drive through buildings and people just say “oh he must’ve hit the gas instead of the brakes” and that’s it
Eating pizza is a lot like drinking alcohol. If you have too much you always end up being like “I could really go for some pizza.”
Where on my donor card do I indicate that my organs are not to be used to save anyone who pronounces it “eck-cetera?”
Me: *hasn’t eaten a tomato in 4 months*
“Ten tomato plants should do!”
My daughter said she wants to run away. We talked. She knows she can walk. I wont chase her.
A childless co-worker just told me that he hasn’t been sick in 5 years
Meanwhile, I’m a dad of 3 living in a bubbling cauldron of plague-infested boogers, pee, and sick-vapor.
Sooooo……I don’t want to kill the guy
But should I sneeze on him just for fun?
Changing my name to ‘free unlimited high-speed wifi’ so everyone will love me.
Saw a used kettle I liked on eBay. It said “needs filter”, but I thought the picture of it was fine as is.
Snow white: it’s really starting to get dark in the forest & I’m gettting scared!
Huntsman: How do you think I feel! I’ve gotta find my way back on my own.