Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I often think if I’d taken a different path in life, I could be lying on a slightly more comfortable sofa right now.

“The name’s And The Giant Peach. James And The Giant Peach.”

Love this one 😂🧟

Statistics Magic: We interviewed 2000 people that have
played Russian Roulette 🔫 before. All 100% of them survived the game.
💯

Conclusion: Russian Roulette is completely safe to play!
🎯 🥳

#stats

Me going back to a library branch I used to work at to pick something up

He who must not be selfied.
#Voldemort #HarryPotter

SCARY COSTUME

This is an emergency!

*Begs to borrow strangers phone

*starts scrolling through pics

A conversation with your ex is a great way to clear the air, set aside hard feelings, and remind yourself why you drink.

“What’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s” – people with babies

I’m invited to a wedding this weekend.

I have two days to come up with a disease or cut off a finger.

Sometimes I think we are capable of great things as a species, but then I notice how many people can’t put their shopping cart away.

Don’t tell me I look good for my age tell me I look good for someone who is incredibly lazy and eats like I’m on death row

Yelling “give me back my panties, you pervert” at joggers is a surprisingly effective way of encouraging them to run faster.

What I’ve learned from Dateline:
1. A hit man is surprisingly cheap and they almost always take payment plans.
2. Random murders are rare.
3. One should keep a missing photo file so the news has all your “good” photos.
5. The husband totally did it.

My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.

*knocks on morning wood*

To the Canada goose standing on one leg I watched for six minutes to make sure you had two legs: you sure took your sweet time about it

I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “Leg day at the gym.”

My generation acts like they invented podcasts but my mom has been leaving 40min voicemails since before the internet.

COP: Can you describe the bear that attacked you?
ME: Less huggable than you’d think

Jerry Lock
@jlock17
My grandson is just learning to talk and is going to be a train engineer for Halloween, so I’m working hard on teaching him to say “Kiss my caboose” before his mom picks him up.

A TV show where customers get to hear what employees said 10 seconds after they left the store.

Guys in motorcycle clubs should have to go door to door like Mormon missionaries.

I don’t really wanna join but I’d like to be asked

Kylo Ren: I can’t read your mind! How are you resisting me?!

Rey: Occlumency lessons from Professor Snape.

Ok, but like, how married are you?

Probably should schedule my next dentist appt for this week since I ate some street corn last night and this may be the only time I floss this year.

absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions.

Walked into WalMart and a small child pointed at me and said “what is that thing?”

I don’t know either, kid

[raises hand] is it ok to drink the bath water if you’ve only been in it for a few minutes
[my health teacher opens the drawer he hides his scotch in]

[after working out] i was promised endorphins this is bullshit