Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

BOSS: You’ve been picked for a random drug test

ME: Hold my bong

Doctor: How did you get this black eye?

Me: Walked into a door

Doc: Really?

Me: I was using my phone lying down and dropped it on my face

Me: You guys wanna play house?

Them: Sure

Me, throwing the nearest kid on a gurney: We are gonna need a crash cart in here stat! WE ARE LOSING HIM! And you said you thought it was lupus.

If you’re feeling lonely and want someone to talk to you, just put in your ear buds or try to read in a public place.

“dom or sub?”

subway but dominos isn’t bad on occasion

My husband hates sex so much he left on a two week business trip. Three weeks early!

We’re going to run out of sausage if no one ever wants to know how it’s made

And then Satan said “water down the gravy”

7: Mommy look!

Me: Ok

7: Look at me!

Me: I’m looking

7: Look!

Me: I AM!

7: Why aren’t you looking?!

Me: OMG I’m looking! I’m staring right at you!

7: Wow. You’ve got a temper

Me:

7: And staring is rude

Whenever I see a lone shoe on the road I figure someone’s foot has been raptured

I was taught to think before I act.
So when I throat punch you, know that I have thought it through and am confident about my decision.

my professor scared me for a second

Someone asked for my advice today and I replied, “What would Jesus do?”

…and that’s how you get people to stop talking to you at work.

my premium snap prices:

-pics of me crying: $5
-videos of me crying: $10
-videos of me crying in the mirror while throwing the peace sign: $15

I just read an article about a man swept out to sea during a baptism. I guess that’s God’s Way of saying “Nope”.

wife: when my husband pees it sounds like a horse

doctor: he probably has a wide ureth-

*loud whinnying coming from the bathroom*

When you’ve lost your own gloves & just grab the first pair that turn up.

To provide better customer service, we’ve put a chat bot on our site to make sure you’re hung in an infinite loop without solving the problem, buried our phone number, & staffed our phone lines with people who follow a notebook flow chart before dropping your call

–companies

Patient: I think my problem is imposter syndrome.

Me: [sweating] I assure you I’m a fully licensed psychologist. Or psychiatrist. Which is the one that prescribes meds?

A chicken pie in Jamaica costs £2.00
A chicken pie in Trinidad costs £2.40
A chicken pie in St Kitts costs £2.15

These are the pie rates of the Caribbean

The shittier a bank’s website is, the safer your money is. Clean and easy to use web portal? You’re being scammed. Barely functioning console log looking windows 95 ass flash page? Sleep easy at night.

I got you a bath bomb to relax. It’s a toaster

Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!

1yo: *walking*

Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!

6yo: *riding two-wheeler*

Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!

16yo: *pouring milk into cereal without spilling*

I regret to announce that my five year old is responsible for the nation’s ketchup shortage.

the hotdog are finally returning to the pastures. the earth is healing. we are the virus

Every night when you sleep,I sneak into your house, full of desire.

I then reduce the amount of marshmallowy treats in your cereal&go home.

I was makin out with a cute girl but it got ruined when she ran her hand up my leg and squeezed all the spaghetti out of my pocket

My 4yo just came into the living room, crying, “I don’t want Santa to see me when I poo.”

Look out. The Guest Who Wants to Help in the Kitchen has arrived. She is me and she does nothing well.