2024 is gonna be better i can feel it in my bones nope that’s the osteoporosis nvm 😭
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“Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?“
Lucifer: Are you hitting on me?
A librarian with a sense of humour…
#Oscars
not seeing the problem
[on a date]
*showing her pics of my pet lizards*
ME: “and I named this one Queen Elizardbeth”
HER: “I must have sex with you immediately”
6: Mom will you play with me?
Me: Sure buddy
6: Yay! Okay you can sit right there, you don’t even have to get up!
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ ᵐʸ ᶠᵃᵛᵒʳᶦᵗᵉ ᵏᶦᵈ
Just your annual reminder about this seagull that turned orange after it fell into a container of chicken tikka masala while trying to get a piece of meat from a factory bin. #SpiceGull
Oh so when Van Helsing kills a vampire he’s a hero, but when I do it I’m “ruining Halloween”
Sure, we’ve all been through hard times, but even when I waitressed part time during college and ate ramen noodles every night for dinner I still saved my money for important things like Charmin double ply mega rolls.
If you drop the entire pan of pasta on the floor at dinner time don’t panic just grate some cheese on top, give each of the kids a fork and call it Floor Pasta Thursday
my kids figured out the password to my wife’s computer and have been sending me these texts as if they were from her
People don’t really care who you are until you lick their face
My daughter says people on Facebook are warning to not post about your hairdresser if they make a house call because they’ll lose their license. I imagine vigilante beauticians using the cover of night to sneak out and fight dead ends and gray roots using their capes as…capes.
If I worked in a used record store I would tell every customer “all sales are vinyl” until I was fired.
It would be worth it.
i hav cat-like reflexes
“prove it”
*looks at a cat*
(instantly) i like that cat
Sometime in the night I think somebody replaced my skeleton with a different skeleton but I don’t know how to verify this.
Met another guy who lost his left leg. He’s a cool guy. We make a right pair
Rumpelstiltskin: [shows up for a spinning class] wtf am I the only one who actually brought straw
Me: But do I have to talk to him? Every day?? This seems excessive.
Marriage Counsellor: …
Can’t believe it’s December again, 2023 seems like yesterday.
7-year-old: How late can I stay up?
Me: As late as you want if you’re doing chores.
7: I’m going to bed now.
ALEX TREBEK: well that’s important work you’re doing; the orphanage probably loves you
CONTESTANT: thank you
ME, SWEATING:
TREBEK: Matt, from new york, it says here you once got your hand stuck in a sink, tell us about that
Be a sharp dressed man. Buy a suit made of knives. Scare ur boss into promoting u. Cut everyone’s sandwiches for them in the break room.
*takes a long, hard drag on a candy cigarette*
Apparently, lifting your feet so she can reach underneath,
Is NOT considered “helping her vacuum.”
Lesson learned, fellas. Lesson learned.
Invisible Obama be like “Uhh. Let me be clear”
Follow me for more exotic Minnesota cuisine
I just read that pandas don’t have many opportunities for sex, and then don’t know how to do it. Finally found my spirit animal.
Of course I look tired, it’s hard pretending to be awake.
Me: hi 🙂
Woman at bar: it’s loud in here, I’m sorry, did you just say “colon closed parentheses” ???